Inside the mind of an unknown comedian
Nothing comperes to you
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Hola. Hope you are well.
Congrats to those who predicted I would blog this week on a Wednesday.
This week’s blog was going to be different, that was until I did a 3 Prong gig (my double act) yesterday and ended the night in an argument with the compere, as you do.
Ok, so where to start…
‘Her With One Permanent Job’ , Prong 2 and I were all sat at the back of the room, attempting to be inconspicuous. At the start of the gig the compere (the landlady’s husband) spoke about how this was a nice and supportive night, it’s the kind of spiel comperes make at an open mic night because they know the standard of acts will be variable. He then went on to talk about how everyone should be all smiles as this would help the acts. I once again assumed this was just patter and not a binding contract.
I will at this point, admit that I wasn’t at my best as an audience member. A couple of things went against me, firstly it was a hot room and I was already feeling tired after work, secondly, they had this system of not telling the acts when they were going on but randomly picking the acts. I must confess that I’m never at my best before I go on stage as I’m trying to remember my lines and the order of the set etc and with the added factor of not knowing when I was going on, I was less focussed on the comedy than I normally would be. However, I wasn’t being rude, I wasn’t chatting and I wasn’t being dismissive of the acts, I clapped when they came on stage and again when they left.
My problem came because instead of putting all the acts names in a hat (he was wearing a hat) and then pulling them out at random, the compere thought it would be better if he got the audience to choose between two numbers and whichever number got the bigger response, the act that number corresponded to was brought on stage. So he’s doing this before an act is due to come on and then starts pointing at me because I’m not shouting for either number with enough conviction and that my arms are crossed. To be honest, I half turned around unsure he was talking to me because normally at comedy clubs the compere doesn’t interact with the acts. But as it happens he was talking to me, and not content with berating me from the stage he then comes over to me to have another go at me, explaining how this is a ‘friendly and supportive’ night and that I wasn’t entering into the spirit of such a night. He then went back on stage and said something else about me (it wasn’t complimentary.
You’d think the interval might have calmed him down, but he opens the second half by saying how he studies the audience and if any of the acts aren’t being supportive enough, he keeps them waiting throughout the second half and then never brings them on. I wonder who he might be talking about?
Anyway, the second half continues and he’s drawing the acts out at ‘random’, he’s dropped the audience shouting the numbers out pretence. The acts keep coming and going, yet we have not been picked as yet. Eventually after 19 acts he says we have 1 act left, and asks “Do you want to see them”. He may as well have said, “I don’t want to put these two guys on but if you can be arsed then be it on your head”.
So the night ends and he’s at the door, cradling a bucket, collecting donations from the audience for himself, not the acts I should add. My intention was to walk past him and ignore him but then he said a sarcastic comment to ‘HWOPJ’, who responded by saying, “We won’t be back”. He then repeated this back to the people around him, this annoyed me as I felt he didn’t take us seriously, so I had to have a word with him. During our argument he kept going on about how his night was all about being friendly and supportive and me asking if coming from the stage to have a go at me was ‘friendly and supportive’, he wouldn’t answer my question. In the end I called him a “bully with a mic” because the only time he had a go at me was when he had the mic.
I say in the end, I did call him a “knob” when I was outside the pub, ironically with the enthusiasm he would have liked earlier in the evening. All this for the honour of playing 5 mins at his wife’s pub. That’s showbiz, I suppose.
Til next week, stay safe!
Laughter is not always the best medicine
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A random low budget coach company
Hola. Hope you are well.
I’m back blogging on a Monday, after last week’s blog was published on Thurs. Having said this, next week’s blog could be on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, as I will be in transit on Mon afternoon and I’m doing a 3 Prong Attack gig (the double act I’m in) on Tues evening. Feel free to speculate what day the next blog will be.
As I mentioned I have a 3 Prong gig, next Tues, 20th March at Cavendish Arms, 128 Hartington Rd, Stockwell, SW8 2HJ. Nearest station Stockwell. It’s an open mic night and we will be doing a 5min set, best of all it is FREE! Doors 7:30.
As regular readers will know, I have been in contact with a low-budget coach company about a journey that left 59mins after it was due to, with no explanation as to why, nor was there an apology. Well it’s all ended, unsatisfactorily, for me anyway. The last email I got from the Customer Care lady said, “I thought the matter had been resolved”. Surely it’s not for her to assume the matter has been resolved, is it not up to the customer say if they are satisfied or not? The sad thing is I can’t even say I won’t travel with them, as they are cheap, especially in comparison to train prices. And that is the problem, they know people who travel with them are poor and therefore can be treated like crap. Unless of course there are maverick millionaires travelling on budget transport just to see how the other half live, although I doubt this happens outside of Channel 4 shows.
Since I’m mentioning things from previous blog posts, about a month a go I mentioned I’d started reading the novel Catch 22. Just in case anyone has been sat at home wondering how I’m getting on, at the time of writing I am on page 203 of a 519 page book. Feel free to let me know what page of a book you are on.
And Finally… at work today (I work as a teaching assistant), I made a boy laugh despite him being ill. To most normal people, this wouldn’t be significant enough to blog about, but I have to admit I was quite pleased by this. The boy still had to go home, proving that laughter is not always the best medicine.
Til next week (Mon, Tues,or Weds), stay safe!
Tags: 3 prong attack, comedian, comedy, funny blog, inside the mind of an unknown comedian, julian daniel
Those cunning Tories
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Hola. Hope you are well.
Apologies for the late arrival of this blog post. Normally I do them on a Monday, occasionally on a Tuesday but this is the first time it’s been as late in the week as Thursday. The good thing is that no one has complained, which shows that the readers of this blog are either very patient and understanding or aren’t that fussed which day I post, either way I see it as a positive.
Ok, so what I have been up to? Firstly, on Sunday evening I did something we should all do but probably not on a Sunday evening, I looked at my finances. It was not good but it has made me realise that I need a better paid job. I’ve not had much thinking time but I have come up with two potential jobs, an investment banker or the Chelsea manager. In both cases I could do the job for a few days, get sacked and then walk away with a handsome payoff, and if I were a banker I’d also have a nice little pension aswell (and I wouldn’t give it up, no matter how big the public outrage was).
My financial situation is however, a double-edged sword for ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ if I were richer our lifestyle would be infinitely more glamorous but on the upside the current state of my finances means I’m officially unable to even entertain the idea of having an affair. This made me think that with their love of ‘Family Values’ maybe the Conservatives are deliberately leading us into a double dip recession, high unemployment and general misery, just so couples stay together. It’s the only reasonable explanation I can think of.
That’s it for this week, hopefully next week things will be back to normal (unless this is now the new norm)
Til next week, stay safe!
Tags: comedian, comedy, funny blog, inside the mind of an unknown comedian, julian daniel
Fit Gingers
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Ed Sheeran
Hola. Hope you are well.
I’ve had a busy week (for me), so I’m just going to run through it so you can get a glimpse into my world.
On Tuesday I was back at work after an 11 day break (I work in education), two days in and I was knackered. On Weds and Thurs we had the Ofsted inspectors in our school. To most people reading this, it won’t mean much but to anyone who works in schools, the mere mention of Ofsted will have brought on a cold sweat. I think if you told anyone that someone was going to come in to their work and then grade them, they too would be in a state of unease. I reckon if someone said they were going to monitor your breathing, all of a sudden you’d forget how to breathe normally. With this in mind, in the first lesson of the first day they were in, guess whose class they came in? Yes you’ve guessed, this unknown comedian’s class. I think I looked sufficiently busy.
Also at school. I overheard a girl say, “Ed Sheeran was the best looking Ginger ever”. I’m not sure how much research she did. My default setting was to question this, but then I started trying to think of attractive ginger haired males (the inspectors had gone by this point). The only one I could think of was Prince Harry, not necessarily my type but he does seem to do well in those ‘fit lists’. I imagine being a Prince helps. Feel free to add your choice of fit male gingers. (via the comments button)
On Thurs I also did a rare poetry performance , at ‘Bang Said The Gun’ the liveliest poetry night I’ve performed at. I think it helps that they have uptempo music and the audience are given shakers. How can you go wrong with shakers? After my set which was well received, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ , said with some concern “People are going to think you’re a misogynist”. This did catch me off guard, after all who gave her permission to move away from the kitchen sink? (it’s funny cos I’m being ironic)
On Friday, we went to a comedy night in trendy Shoreditch, which was headlined by ‘The Boy With Tape On His Face’. This is a man who does his entire set with actual tape over his mouth. I’ve seen him twice and he’s an act I think is well worth seeing. What amazes me is not only how he is able to get laughs whilst never speaking but how he has so much control over the audience without ever uttering a word. I know from personal experience, working as Teaching Assistant, that even when speaking repeatedly, it is possible to have no visible influence.
On Saturday, we went to a Johnny Cash birthday bash, (he wasn’t there) and on Sunday (yday) I watched the Carling Cup final and as a result have probably shaved a few years of my life but all in all it was worth it, plus I can’t afford to live into old age..
Til next time, stay safe!
Here’s looking at you kid
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James Corden in One Man Two Guvnors
Hola. Hope you are well.
I have one days more grace from school as it is teacher training today and as agency staff I’m not required, but it does mean I get to do this blog post in the morning, which means you don’t have to wait as long for to read the hilarious things I’ve been up to.
Starting last Monday, when I did my first stand up gig in years. I might be biased but I thought it went well. It helped having friends in the audience supporting me, if nothing else it made it a fun night out, with 5 mins of work. What I realised from doing the gig, is that I don’t need to do stand up. One of the things that would make me do more stand up gigs is my desire to crack/master it, if you can ever master stand up.
Talking of gigs, I will be doing a rare poetry gig this Thurs, 23rd Feb. It’s part of the poetry night Bang Said The Gun, which is the liveliest poetry night I’ve ever been to. I’m one of the two guest performers, doing 15-20 mins of my funny/silly poems. The night takes place at the Roebuck pub, 50 Great Dover St (nearest tube Borough). It starts at 8pm and is £5 in.
On Tuesday, what with it being Valentine’s ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ and I went to see Casablanca. It was an enjoyable film and funnier than I thought it was. I assumed it would be more schmaltzy. At the end of the film the audience applauded. I don’t know if this was because we were watching an old film and people felt respectful by osmosis or because the cinema was on the trendy Southbank. There was something weird clapping, 1) a film and 2) a film that was made years ago but having thought about it, is it any weirder than grown men shouting at a TV screen whilst watching football in the pub?
On Thursday, we went to see One Man, Two Guvnors, which again was good fun, ‘HWOPJ’ described it as pantomime for adults (in a good way). We were right at the back of the theatre, i.e. there were no seats behind us. We were so high up, that at one point air traffic control tried to guide us down. However, being so high up did mean there was no chance of getting chosen to do any audience participation, which shows there are advantages of cheap seats.
And Finally… to Twitter where I got my first person from the adult film industry following me. I assumed she was from that industry due to the address of her website, yet her tweets were quite beautiful and poetic. Just for the record, I never checked out her website, partly because we have been recently been between virus checkers and partly because ‘HWOPJ’ wouldn’t have been happy. Anyway, now we have installed a new virus checker but unfortunately she no longer follows me. Them’s the breaks.
Til next week, stay safe!
Entertaining the nation
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The Hob, Forest Hill
Hola. Hope you are well.
I am on half-term, woohoo! I don’t know if it is psychological or coincidence but half-term always seems to come at the right time, ie when I’m knackered. As an experiment it would be interesting if the school didn’t tell me when half-term was to see if I was as tired when it comes round. Or do I feel tired because I know it’s coming and so I mentally limp over the line.
It probably didn’t help that, last Thurs I was out doing a 3 Prong Attack gig (my double act) and so got in late, I suppose these are the sacrifices I make to entertain the nation (or the upstairs of a pub in North London). To be fair to the gig ‘Free and Funny’ at the Camden Head, we have played it 3 times and it has always been packed and always has quality acts on. I actually think the line up is too good to be free but what do I know. For those interested, our set was well received which I was pleased with because of the previous two times we’ve performed there, the first one went well and the second one was indifferent. Although Prong 2 thought more positively of the second gig but he is from an acting background so is probably more comfortable with audiences sitting in silence and staring at him.
Talking of gigs, I am doing a rare stand up gig tonight, Mon 13th Feb, at the Hob in Forest Hill. If you know anyone in South London, let them know. Tis £3 in and starts at 8pm (they are pretty prompt with their starts).
As I mentioned at the top of the blog, it is half-term, so I’ve decided I’m going to try to do all the things that I had previously intended to do but never got round to doing. You know, all the things that in the week, you put off for the weekend and then the weekend comes and you’re either too busy or can’t be arsed to do, so you say you will do them one evening in the week and the cycle continues.
Having said all this, I do have a few things on this week, there is the aforementioned gig tonight, on Tuesday I’m going to see Casablanca (it’s valentine’s day) and on Thurs we’re going to see the play, ‘One Man, Two Guvnors’. In addition to this ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ seems to be creating a list of things for me to do. At this rate by the time half-term is over I will be looking forward to going back to work.
And Finally… Talking of work, Weds will mark my year of working in schools. I have to be honest and say for most of my life I’ve been quite lucky in that I’ve never had to work continuously for any length of time. I’ve always just done jobs here and there and living at my mum’s for longer than society deems acceptable also shielded me from the harsh realities of working life. So I would have to say this year has been the hardest, in terms of work. I think the hardest part for me is managing tiredness. Every morning I curse when I’m forced to get up, (in the spirit of fairness I do finish at 3:15). Prior to this year I’ve always thought I wasn’t afraid of hard work, but now I’m not so sure. I wouldn’t say I was afraid of hard work, but if hard work was coming towards me late at night, I think I would now cross the road.
Til next time, stay safe!
Music to clean to
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Dudley
Hola. Hope you are well.
I’m going to start with some gig news. This Thurs, 9th Feb, the 3 Prong Attack (my double act) are back in action, this time in North London. We are appearing at The Camden Head, as part of their open mic night ‘Free and Funny’, we will be doing 5 mins. The night starts at 8pm, and is Free in, hence the name of the night. You can find The Camden Head at, 2 Camden Walk, N1 8DY. The nearest station is Angel. (Please note this venue is NOT in Camden despite the name of the pub).
I’m also doing a rare solo stand up gig next Monday at the Hob, 7 Devonshire Rd, Forest Hill SE23. Again this is an open mic night and I will be doing 5 mins. It is opposite Forest Hill Station. The show starts at 8pm and is £3 in.
This gig partially comes about because I decided that I wanted to do at least one solo stand up gig this year. I like to set myself manageable tasks, mainly because they are by definition manageable. The gig also comes about because Prong 2 couldn’t do the gig, so this left me. So I’m kind of doing the gig by default but at least I’ll have achieved one of my aims for the year and it’s only February.
Talking of manageable achievements. About five years ago I started reading Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, I was lead to believe it was a good book and one worth reading but for whatever reason I couldn’t get into and so I abandoned it, and I hate not finishing books, it makes me feel a little guilty. I know that sounds weird. Anyway, at the time I vowed to read more books and then return to the book when I’d become a better reader. Well that time has come as this morning I started the book. Let’s hope I’m mature enough to handle it now.
The main thing to happen at work last week, was that one of the catering staff on hearing my voice said, “You must be from Dudley”. Dudley!!! Usually I get Birmingham, but Dudley is a new one on me, especially as people from Dudley have a stronger midlands accent. Plus it also seems quite specific of him to pinpoint my accent to Dudley. I’m not sure where he was from, I didn’t stick around, I was too busy trying to see if I could get him sacked. This has made me think I have two options, I can either Manc up, tips will be gratefully received, or I could try a new accent. I was thinking maybe Scouse or, Geordie, or maybe I should try Brummie and perhaps in some reverse logic people will ask, “Are you from Wythenshawe”?
And Finally…and on to domestic duties and yesterday I found myself doing some housework, hoovering and mopping should you need to know, to the soundtrack of Madonna’s ‘The Immaculate Collection’. I started questioning myself as to whether this is acceptable behaviour for a man in his mid (to late) thirties, who finds himself home alone. Feel free to share your thoughts. I’ve got to admit Madonna’s hits made good tidying up music. I think the secret is to go with uplifting music. I imagine if you cleaned to The Smiths or Radiohead, you might not see it through. I’m thinking Bob Marley next time. Feel free to let me know what music you clean to?
After the cleaning I did go to my local pub to watch the football and drink pints of lager. In no way was I trying to cling on to the thin thread of masculinity I have remaining.
Til next time, stay safe!
Tags: 3 prong attack, comedian, comedy, funny blog, inside the mind of an unknown comedian, julian daniel
Prison or Peru?
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Benjamin Button
Hola. Hope you are well.
I’ve had another varied week. Today at work, for example, I was mistaken for a pupil on two occasions. A couple of weeks ago a female colleague said I didn’t look older than 24, so maybe I’m getting younger and younger, just call me, ‘Benjamin ‘unknown comedian’ Button.
In the week, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ flew off to Peru (for work). The night before her excursion I ‘treated’ her to Liverpool Vs Man City in our local pub. Relationship experts at this point would no doubt bang on about compromise, some people would add it shows, ‘HWOPJ’ in a good light but I’d like to say this is an example of me playing the long game. Regular readers to this blog will know that in recent weeks, I’ve sat through an hour of Downton Abbey and walked round a shopping centre for hours all for ‘HWOPJ’s benefit. The one thing it does show, is that I’ve definitely not turned into Milkshake. (see last week’s blog post)
Whilst ‘HWOPJ’ has been in Peru she’s had a birthday, which I think is pretty cool. I’ve never spent my birthday anywhere exotic or mildly interesting. For the last two birthdays I’ve spent a huge chunk of the day in prison (doing writing workshops) and a few years back, on my birthday, I went to Sheffield, with a female poetry collective, Sista Talk, where I did 5mins of my own poetry. Neither prison or Sheffield could be described as being as exotic as Peru. Feel free to let me know of any interesting places you’ve spent your birthday.
Although ‘HWOPJ’s has not long gone, I’ve already received a number of invites from people. On Saturday, my mate invited me to watch his friend’s band, my brother invited me around to his, and another friend invited me for a pub Sunday lunch although this was an invite by default. She sent me a txt that was meant for one of her female friends and when I pointed this out, she said, “I was welcome to come along”. As nice as the offer was, I declined, but I’m starting to think people feel I’m incapable of coping on my own. I imagine this is what happens when a wife leaves her husband and his friends rally around him. If ‘HWOPJ’ was away longer than the 2 weeks she is, I’d expect my friends would start introducing me to their female friends.
And Finally… I went for a jog yesterday and during it, I found an older lady in a pile on the pavement. I say I found her, an Oriental man got there first but I did stop and helped her to her feet and then walked with her towards her house, propping her up as she was still unsteady on her feet. As we got near to her house, she saw a young man she knew, so we left her in his capable hands. All this did however affect my time. Maybe better luck next time.
Til next time, stay safe!
A bit below the belt
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Westfield Stratford
Hola. Hope you are well.
I had a varied week. On Monday I went to an Equality and Diversity seminar run by the football organisation Kick it Out. Surprisingly I didn’t see John Terry or Luis Suarez there.
On Tuesday, I went to an Edinburgh Free Fringe Benefit gig at the cost of £15. It does seem a little odd to pay £15 so comedians can take their show to Edinburgh, where they then don’t charge an entry fee. I’m also more than happy to admit that there are for more rewarding causes to have a benefit night for but I did get to see Rich Hall and Stewart Lee amongst others and the night was put together by the legend that is PBH (Peter Buckley Hill).
Also on the bill was Lucy Porter, who during her set mentioned that she had recently given birth to two children in the same year, is this possible? Even if the first child was born in January and the second in December of the same year it still seems too close together. I’m not a gynaecologist but after a woman’s given birth to a child isn’t she supposed to leave that area fallow for a certain amount of time? Maybe I’m wrong, do you know of siblings born in the same year (not twins of course)?
On Thursday, I sent a letter (ask your parents kids) to a low-budget coach company. due to the fact that back in September, I emailed them to let them know that my coach was 59 mins late leaving, and I got no reply. I’m now hoping the humble letter will prove a more successful way of corresponding. I will keep you informed, I bet you can’t wait.
On Friday, I celebrated ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ fake birthday. She’s away on her actual birthday so she brought it forward by a week. It was a fun evening, starting in a cocktail bar, drinking half price Martinis and ending in our local pub listening to a covers band. Feel free to let me know if you’ve had a fake birthday and what were the circumstances?
And Finally… Yesterday (Sunday) I spent a huge chunk of the day at Westfield shopping centre, missing both Man City vs Spurs and Arsenal vs Man Utd. I tweeted this and my friend, who’s a poet and playwright, a man who makes money from words replied, “Don’t let the p*ssy turn you into milkshake” (he didn’t use an asterix). I’m not sure exactly what it means but I don’t think he was complimenting me, having said that I quite like milkshake. I’m now thinking that if I ever do a follow-up to ‘How to Dump your Girlfriend’ that will be the title. At the very least I might try to turn it into a catchphrase.
Til next week, stay safe!
Have you used any of your own bags?
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zahid hussein, terry christian and me
Hola. Hope you are well.
Last night I was forced to sit through an hour of Downton Abbey. I’m not sure how it happened. It wasn’t a show I was interested in when it was on TV and ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ didn’t seem that fussed about it, but she got the box set for Christmas. Some people will probably think I’ve gone soft (softer) for watching it, but I’m playing the long game. In any relationship there is give and take and I know that the night before ‘HWOPJ’ goes to Peru for two weeks, (for work) it’s the Carling Cup Semi Final Second Leg, between Liverpool vs Man City which I will want to watch. I just hope that on that evening ‘HWOPJ’ remembers my sacrifice last night.
Talking of Downton, people who watch it talk about whether they’d be upstairs or downstairs in the manor house. In my case I don’t think I’d have been allowed in the house full stop.
On to one of the oddest stories of the week and Antony Worrall Thompson being caught shoplifting cheese and wine from his local Tesco. It does seem a little weird that a man off the TV is forced to shoplift. Even if he is on his uppers and I don’t know if he is but cheese and wine are hardly essential items. He did his pilfering from the self check out counters, scanning some items and not others. I have to admit I couldn’t do this, I haven’t got the nerve to steal, I’m the kind of person who can’t lie when the scanning machine asks, “Have you used any of your own bags? At least this might go some way to explain Tesco’s record losses.
On Friday, I was watching Coronation St. and got excited, maybe a little too excited as I saw someone I know on it, playing a nurse and she had a speaking part. If this wasn’t enough, I also saw a poet friend of mine on a show on a show called ‘My Daughter the Teenage Nudist’ he wasn’t the female nudist but he was filmed naked, with everything on show. I have admit, he’s braver than me, there’s no way I’m getting ‘little unknown comedian’ out on national TV (or regional tv)
On last week’s blog I put up the first ever 3 Prong Attack videos. I didn’t have loads of feedback but one of my colleagues did come in to work and start saying, “Prong 1″, “Prong 2″. I had to do a double take and think how does he know about 3 Prong Attack and then I worked out he must have read my blog. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always grateful when anyone reads my blog but I also like to think the people and work think I’m doing some sophisticated, satirical comedy, not arguing about who’s Prong 1.
One other bit of feedback came from one of my oldest friends (in longevity not age) he said of the first video, ” you owe me 51 seconds.” If you want to view the videos for yourself they are here. First Video Second Video
And Finally... I’ve started following Terry Christian on Twitter, which when I mentioned this to the aforementioned colleague at work he said, “why?” which is probably a valid question. I do however find it a very interesting experience, mainly because of the abuse Terry gets on it. I genuinely didn’t realise people were so angry and abusive. Surely if you don’t like someone, don’t follow them. And what were people doing with all this pent-up aggression before Twitter was around, or is it a case of I will abuse someone because I can. But the oddest thing for me is that grown adults are wound up by Terry Christian. I would have said all this on Twitter but you only get 140 characters, plus I don’t want to receive any abuse.
Til next week, stay safe!
