A Con-Dem Nation

dave and nick

Hola. I hope you are all well. If you’re wondering why today’s post is so late in the day, it’s partly because ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ (HWOPJ) took a day off work to recover from running the Great Manchester Run and so we ended up going to the park and eating ‘middle class foods’ as part of a picnic.

In other equally important news, we finally have a government in place, a Con-Dem coalition. What strikes me about Nick Clegg and David (just call me Dave) Cameron is that they look quite similar. So I thought as they are now officially a double act they should now amalgamate their names like Jedward, who took the ‘J’ from John and the ‘Edward’ from Edward to form Jedward. So I think we should take the ‘D’ from David and the ‘ick‘ from Nick to come up with ‘DICK’. I’ll pass this idea onto them, I’ll let you know how that goes.

On last week’s post I mentioned how I had to hot foot it to Liverpool Lime St to catch the last train back to Manchester as it left at 23:38. So I decided to be proactive and I sent an email to the train company to suggest they put on a later train. I’ve yet to hear from them.

With this spirit of rebellion and mischief running through me I decided to email my local MP, who is a Lib Dem, to express my disappointment that his party has got into bed with the Conservatives. In his defence he has responded. I’m yet to respond to his comments, (I’m a busy man, picnics etc…) but I will. I’ll let you know how it goes. The funniest thing about this is that ‘HWOPJ’ emailed the MP before I did but has yet to receive a response. The only thing I can conclude from this, is that I am more important than she is. Ha Ha!!!

And Finally…If you want to get a better understanding of who I am, then the following probably best sums me up. Ages ago I agreed to do a rare stand up gig (at the Iguana bar, Chorlton on 24th May). At the time I said to myself I should prepare my set a month in advance since I rarely do stand up, that way I can learn it and make sure I put on a good show. Fast forward to a month before the gig, did I start writing the set, no, 3 weeks before the gig, no, surely 2 weeks before the gig, NO.  So today, prior to the picnic, I wrote a rough version of the set. So if anyone reading this is contemplating coming to the gig, remember a man falling flat on his ass, can still be comedy. (for more info about the gig)

                                                     Til Next Week, Stay Safe!
(original post 17/5/10)

The Election Section

10 downing st

Hola, Hope you are all well.

I have to admit that I’ve been gripped by all the election coverage. Starting with the fact that some people were unable to vote as they weren’t going to be able to mark their cards before the 10pm cut off point. Did this happen to anyone reading this? At some polling stations some people couldn’t vote because there wasn’t enough ballot papers. I’m no expert on these matters but shouldn’t they work out how many people are eligible to vote at that polling station and allocate one slip per person? Let’s face it, if this chaos had occurred in some far-flung country, we would have raised our eyes and tutted, in a slightly condescending manner.

Something else I couldn’t understand is why some results were known within an hour, the ones in Sunderland for example, yet when I woke the next morning some results still hadn’t come in. Were some councils using pre-school children to count the votes, in some kind of flawed cost cutting move?
The best story to come out of the election was the fact a 14-year-old boy got to vote,despite turning up in his school uniform. (see here). The only reason he was caught out was because a teacher at his school heard him boasting to his friends. I’d like to think all 14yr old school children are all really politically minded and it’s only the media that pretend they’re all into gaming and getting high on plant fertiliser, when in fact playground discussions centre around electoral reform and quantitive easing.

In other news that isn’t the election, I was hosting the launch of the Writing on the Wall Festival, in Liverpool on Sat night. Little did I know the trains between the two cities were so poor. The last train back was 11:38pm, can you believe it? It’s almost as if they don’t want the two cities to interact. My last duty of the night was to introduce the band, they were set up and ready to go at 11:20, I went on, chatted a bit and got off stage at 11:25, grabbed my coat and bag, which was weighed down by the books I didn’t sell at the gig (all of them), say my goodbyes and hot foot it to the station. It was like some kind of low budget action film. You’ll be pleased to know I made the train with 5mins to spare, albeit a little sweaty and confronted with a jam-packed train. You see this world of showbiz that I live isn’t all glamour glamour glamour.

And Finally… I was reading how England and Aston Villa forward Emile Heskey can improve a man’s bedroom prowess. To find out more, check my football blog, (scroll down to the last paragraph).

                                                  Til next week, stay safe!
(original post 10/5/10)

The mill towns are alive with stories

gillian duffy

Hola. Hope you are all well.

I was going to post my blog y’day, but I ended up watching 5 episodes of Peep Show. I Hope you had a more productive Bank Holiday Monday.

I was out and about last Thurs, compering a book launch for the Oldham Writing Cafe, for their book Shadows (you can order this book by emailing writingcafe@hotmail., a book about Oldham, by Oldham writers, inspired by stories from Oldham people. Whilst I was there I met a regular reader of this blog, Simon, which is always nice. It is also a bit weird meeting someone who knows so much about you (by virtue of my posts) and yet you don’t really know each other. He probably knows more about what is going on in my life than my friends and family. I suppose this is the modern way.

One of the stories from the book was about items of clothing being stolen from a washing line. So I asked the audience, which included the Mayor of Oldham and was generally an older crowd, had they had any clothes stolen from their washing line. One woman mentioned that some lads had nicked a load of her bras and then one lady, Pauline, mentioned she’d had her ‘rape skirt’ nicked when she was younger. That I have to admit was definitely not a phrase I thought I was going to hear when I left my flat to go to this event, especially coming out of the mouth of an older lady. Feel free to let me know, via the comments button, if you’ve had any items of clothing stolen from your washing line, or even better, have you ever stolen anything from someone’s washing line. Ps. For those unfamiliar with a ‘rape skirt’ apparently it is a skirt with a zip on the front, which goes all the way down from the top to the bottom.

Someone else who was out and about in the Northwest was Gordon Brown, you may have heard about it, cos he made a gaffe by calling a Rochdale woman, Gillian Duffy, a “bigotted woman”, whilst his TV mic was on. Obviously, it wasn’t the wisest of things to do, but as off the mic remarks go, it could have been worse. He could, for example, have described a black man as a “Thick, lazy, f*cking n*gg*r”. Hello Ron Atkinson if you are reading this.

I’ve heard Gillian Duffy is set to earn between £10 000- £80 000, from newspaper articles etc. which makes me think it was just a clever tactic by Gordon Brown to sort out the pension crisis, one pensioner at a time.

                          Til Next Time, Stay Safe (and vote wisely)!

(original post 5/4/10)