Hello Ma’am

The Queen

Hola. Hope you are well.

After the last couple of weeks, when I’ve spotted Johnny Bramwell and Carol Ann Duffy, this week I can’t say I’ve spotted any semi-famous people.

This week gone, has been the usual varied affair. ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ and I ventured down to ‘that there London’ to view flats. I imagine normal people allocate a reasonable amount of time to do this, we gave ourselves one day to find a flat. I imagine in the very near future, ‘Find a Flat in a Day’ will be an ITV programme. Just remember where you heard it first. Anyway, against the odds we found a flat to rent, so hopefully the paper work will go through without a hitch. All we need now is someone to agree to move into the flat we currently live in, cos paying two sets of rent would be ridiculous, even for us.

The move is a little disconcerting, especially when you consider that the Queen is struggling to make ends meet in London (see here). If she is struggling, what chance has ‘an unknown comedian’. Having said that, we will not be living in a palace. If you are reading this Ma’am, there is a one bedroom flat in Sth Manchester that’s going. You may not be able to bring Philip or the Corgis and you may need a reference but the costs will be significantly lower.

With money issues at the forefront of my mind, I’ve set out to change my finances for the better. Firstly, I did something I wouldn’t normally do, I entered a competition on daytime TV. I entered ‘This Morning’s’ Pay your rent or mortgage for a year competition. Thankfully I was able to identify, Home is where the ‘Heart’ is, as opposed to the other options, Stomach and Hand. I’ve not heard back from This Morning yet, but I’ll be sure to let you know if and when I win.

The second thing I did was to start writing up a CV. Doing a CV isn’t as easy as it sounds, for a start there are conflicting views on the Internet. For example, do you do a 1 or 2 page CV, do you write it in the first  or third person. (I’m going for a 2 page and in the third person should anyone care). It’s also not easy trying to describe how the skills you’ve learnt as an unknown comedian are relevant in the modern workforce.

And Finally… my fortunes maybe on the up. I was at the bus stop on Sat morning, on the way to the radio show and glanced down. Something made me look more closely at the pavement, I don’t know what. Anyway I picked up a tightly rolled up piece of paper, unrolled it and to my surprise it was a ten pound note. Why it was tightly rolled, I’ve no idea.

I’m sure most normal people would have just pocketed the money and been happy with that, but here are some of the thoughts that went through my head. Firstly, I thought has someone just dropped it, but no one else was at the bus stop, so that wasn’t likely. Then I thought had I dropped it, but I don’t roll up my money in such a way. Then I thought, is it a fake. Then I got happy, thinking I’d found a tenner, but then I felt a bit bad thinking someone had lost ten pounds. My final thought on the matter was, I wonder if I can make a living from finding money. What other mid-thirties man thinks that finding money is a viable way of making a living. I doubt Duncan Bannatyne would invest in such a business, let me know for sure, if you’re reading this Duncan.

I wonder who will contact me first Duncan Bannatyne or the Queen.

Til next week, stay safe!

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A state of flux

carol ann duffy

Hola. I hope you are well.

I’m writing this week’s post in a state of flux, (this isn’t in America) everything is currently up in the air. The reason being ‘Her With One Permanent Job’  has a new permanent job, but this time in the sleepy village that is London. So we are in the process of trying to find a flat in London, whilst trying to sort out the flat we are in, in the hope someone will move in soon, so we can stop paying rent on this place.

With moving it will mean giving up reviewing the newspapers on Sam Walker’s BBC Radio M’cr show, which is a shame, but the good news is that I should be on air til Nov 20th as I will be remaining in M’cr til Nov as I have work commitments this end. Like most things in my life I didn’t plan this move, but I did always joke that in my search to remain underground, that as soon as the BBC moved to Manchester, I would move to London, Little did I know this would actually happen. If I knew the things I said in jest would come true I would have thought harder about the things I joked about.

In other news, I think I saw 2 famous people in the last week. I definitely saw Carol Ann Duffy earlier today, walking in Didsbury. To any poetry fans who viewed this it must have been very exciting to see the Poet Laureate and someone else who does a bit of poetry in the same eye line.

The other famous person I saw, or thought I saw was Johnny Bramwell, the lead singer of ‘I am Kloot’, in a bank in Chorlton. I was transferring money from one account to another and he was paying some money into someone else’s account. I was alerted to him when I heard the bloke at the next counter say, “I’m a musician” then I heard him spell out his surname and I think he spelt out Bramwell, (I’m not great when people either spell their name out or say their tel no. quickly) so I’m presuming it was him. It may be a long shot but if you are Johnny Bramwell and you are reading this, then feel free to let us know if this was you. Cheers.

And Finally… Last year we bought a cheap kettle for the flat (under £5). We did spend about £50 in total at the supermarket so don’t think we are proper cheapskates, even if we are. Anyway just a few days before the year’s Warranty/Guarantee (I never know which is which) was up, the kettle stopped working properly. It would boil the water but would not switch off. Luckily we still had the receipt, so I took it back to the supermarket and exchanged it for an equally cheap kettle, but because I didn’t have the original box, the woman at customer services said she would have to take the new kettle out of the box and I would have to carry it home in my bag. The stupid thing is didn’t really care about the box until she said I couldn’t have the box and then all I could think of was, why didn’t she just give me the box.  The good news was she struggled immensely with the sellotape when opening the box. So overall I think I shaded this exchange on points. 

Til next week, stay safe!

I forgive you wayne

coleen and wayne rooney

 

Hola. Hope you are well. 

I’ve had a varied week. As I mentioned recently I have appeared in my local newspaper, the South Manchester Reporter twice in the last month. Despite being a bit crap when it comes to technology, I’ve managed to scan the articles, so those unfortunate enough to live outside of South Manchester have the chance to see the articles. (article 1) and (who’s who article). I mention these articles, not to show off (honest) but because on the way to watch the Switzerland vs England game, a bloke walking towards me, wearing shorts and carrying a plastic bag looked at me and just as we passed each other, he spat on the ground and then said “Are you a bit of a comedian?” I said “yep, a bit of a comedian”. I thought if he wasn’t going to commit to me being a full comedian, then it would probably be a social faux pas for me to do so. He then went on to say he’d seen me in the paper, which just goes to show the power of the local media. To be honest I’m just glad he didn’t want to beat me up. 

As for the football, it brought me some money. In particularly Wayne Rooney won me some money, admittedly I didn’t get as much money off the back of Wayne Rooney as some we have learnt about in recent times. But after his recent publicity I thought I’d put some money on him being the first scorer against the Swiss. It was only when Rooney scored the first goal, that I thought maybe I’d should have put on more money than the £1:25 at 4-1 that I actually did. And before you ask, yes I did feel a bit of a tw@t putting such a small bet on in the bookers. I put the bet on in hushed tones, just in case anyone overheard. I felt a little bit more confident, when I went in the next day to collect my winnings, all £5 of them (plus my stake). I was wary not to go crazy and blow all my winnings in one go. Instead I bought some toothpaste £1, renewed a DVD from the library £1, then I bought tinned tomatoes, mushrooms and bacon from a supermarket and I still had some change left, although I think by the time I bought a cup of tea in a cafe,  I’d exceeded my winnings. 

As some of you may know I’m constantly thinking of ways to advance my global appeal. Well inspiration hit last week. I’m not sure what triggered it off, but I had a thought that around this time next year I could hold an ‘International Burn Tony Blair’s book day’. I could grow a ridiculous moustache and promote the event on the side of a tacky trailer. The only problem is that I don’t want to buy the book so I’ll have to find a library that stocks the book and burn it in there. I suppose I’ve got a year to iron out these teething problems. 

And Finally…. Here’s a little insight into my personal life, I decided I should do some stretches last week, as it would make me more supple. So I did some intense stretches on my hamstrings. I then spent the next 3 days walking around with tight hamstrings. I think I might just stick to gambling. 

Til next week, stay safe!

It’s not all glamour this showbiz malarkey

william hague and christopher myles

 

Hola. Hope you are well. 

Welcome to my new home. That’s right I’ve moved my blog from its previous home to this one. Don’t worry nothing else will change, it will still be updated on a Monday unless I can’t for whatever reason and it will still contain the usual nonsense. 

I spent most of last week transferring the posts from the old blog to this one, meaning I was sat at the computer for quite a number of hours doing mundane tasks, it was like having a proper job. Naturally it didn’t go smoothly, mainly because I am an idiot and I accidentally saved some posts as drafts and not publishing them as intended. This meant that some posts were out of synch, so I had to delete some posts that I had already taken time and effort to transfer. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again, it’s not all glamour this showbiz malarkey. 

As I was on the computer so much last week and because I get distracted easily, and because I’m a little bit vain, I decided to Google, ‘Argos Catalogue of Disasters’ the title of the Edinburgh Festival show I did with, Marvin Cheesesman and Steve Rooney. Regular readers to this blog will know, it’s not served me well in the past when I’ve actively sought out things about me on the internet. Remember when I spotted this, 

“Julian Daniel attempted to be funny. I don’t think he’s quite there yet; but he could be a good comedian in the end. Though not a poet, despite his “funny” verses.” 

Anyway, knowing this I still did it, so I wonder what that says about me. To my surprise and a little trepidation I saw ‘Argos Catalogue of Disasters’ was attached to a Guardian article. I clicked on and it was an article about comedians who do poetry and poets that do comedy, or something like that, I didn’t really read the article, I was trying to find out what was said about the show. We weren’t in the main article but we were in the comments section (see here, scroll down to McMole 28th Aug 11:16AM). I won’t give it away as to whether it was positive or negative feedback but I will say, “Thanks for slagging us of McMole”/”Thanks for the kind words McMole” (delete where applicable). 

Talking of newspapers I made it into my local newspaper the South Manchester Reporter in a section called Who’s Who? it’s where local movers and shakers (and unknown comedians) answer a series of questions about Manchester. It was a nice write-up and it’s always good to get a bit of publicity but it’s interesting how taking out one word can change the whole meaning of a sentence. For example, one of the questions they asked me was “What would be the best thing that could happen to Manchester in the future?” I wrote in my original response, “It would be nice if Man City got some financial backing”. The joke being, Man City are the richest club in the World. However, it appeared in the article as “It would be nice if Manchester got some financial backing”, which makes me sound as if I’m concerned about the funding streams for Manchester council, which I’m not. Not to worry. 

Now on to politics, as it was a busy week for politics what with Tony Blair’s book coming out. It’s cover price is £25 that’s TWENTY FIVE of your hard earned English pounds. In the book, he reveals that he had a fractious relationship with Gordon Brown, who knew? He also reveals he doesn’t regret his decision to invade Iraq, who knew. I think he also speculates that the Earth is spherical. That’ll be £25 thanks. 

The other big political news involves William Hague (49) and the fact that he shared hotel rooms with his aide Christopher Myers (24) on a number of occasions whilst on political trips. Some cynical people put 2+2 together and come up with gay. William Hague then felt he had to make a statement to prove he’s not gay, but it’s not easy to prove you’re not something. He then went on to mention his wife and her multiple miscarriages, which I think is over stepping the mark. If you are in the public eye and your other half isn’t I don’t think you should bring them into the public arena. I was explaining this to ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ just the other day. 

And Finally… I was watching a programme, ‘My favourite Year’, the year in question was 2000. In it, it mentioned Tony Martin who was convicted after shooting and killing an intruder. It also mentioned Barry George who was sent down for the murder of Jill Dando (he was acquitted of this in 2008 after a retrial). I think the one thing we can learn from these 2 things is that we shouldn’t trust people with two first names.  

Til next week, stay safe! 

Julian Daniel

What do you have to do to get attention

elin and tiger woods

Hola. Hope you are well and had a good Bank holiday weekend.

I’ve had a relatively quiet week, taking it easy after Edinburgh. I had one writing workshop to do and I also went to an actual football match in an actual football stadium. During the workshop I had one of those ‘little victories’ that I believe life is built upon. I had to get the people attending the workshop to describe an activity they do as if it were a recipe, which isn’t something you do everyday. After they did this, I asked them, “How did they find that”? As the words were leaving my mouth, I did start thinking, is this a good question to ask, as it does leave me open to negative feedback. It’s one of the reasons I don’t ask the question “Do you love me”? The other reason I don’t ask that question, is that I’M NOT A WOMAN.

Anyway back to the workshop, after a brief pause, one of the attendees said, “It was difficult, but due to the exercises I’d set, he was able to do it.” Then like that scene in Spartacus, others stepped forward and said similar things. This was nice, especially as the person who booked me was in the room. It made me look like someone who knows what he is doing, which isn’t always how I feel. Like most people, I sometimes feel unsure about my abilities or out of my depth. I imagine most people get like this, Jimi Hendrix at some point probably thought, is the guitar for me, Sir Alex Ferguson from time to time probably questions his ability as a football manager, Nick Clegg probably wakes up every morning and thinks he’s out of his depth as Deputy Leader. Maybe the latter isn’t the best example I could have chosen.

Talking of Edinburgh as I did briefly at the top of the page, I met up with Marvin Cheeseman outside a pub in city centre Manchester last week, to do a cash drop off. To onlookers it probably looked like an unlikely dodgy deal. I mention this meeting because after our successful three dates at the Edinburgh Festival you would think on seeing Marvin and I together people would have been tooting their horns at us, pedestrians would be high fiving us and maybe carrying us on their shoulders through the streets of Manchester. But we got nothing. What do you have to do to get some attention round here, stick a cat in a wheely bin???

Onto other matters, a few weeks ago I mentioned how I had to sit through two soppy movies, ‘Before Sunset’ and ‘Before Sunrise’ (see here). Well I inadvertently got my own back on ‘Her With One Permanent Job’. She likes the Coen brothers’ movies so I got ‘No Country for Old Men’ out of the library, (£1 for a week) all I will say is this isn’t a first date movie. There must be over 20 deaths in this film, including a couple of dogs. I suppose it could be a good drinking game movie, you could take a swig of alcohol every time someone dies. By the end of the film you would be p*ssed, so maybe it would be a good first date movie after all.

And Finally… I never really fancied Elin Woods (Nordegren), that was until last week, when she got her divorce settlement from Tiger. There’s something about a woman inheriting £64m that makes them somewhat alluring. I wonder if she drinks and likes violent movies???

                                                 Til next week (Mon), Stay Safe! 

(original post 31/8/10)