Small Compliments

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’m going to start this week’s blog post by mentioning an upcoming gig.

This Fri 4th May I will be compering a Comedy Poetry night called John Hegley and Some Other Poets (it does what it says on the tin). It’s at the Cockpit Theatre, Marylebone, London NW8 8EH, nearest station Edgware Road. Time 8pm, Price £8. For more info.

On Friday, I went to see Prong 2, from 3 Prong Attack (the double act I belong to) in Othello. Not to spoil it for anyone but his character died. It was weird being in the audience watching him die on stage, as usually I’m stood next to him when this happens.

On Friday and Saturday the only flesh that passed my lips was one portion of fish. It did make me think that I might be turning into the new Linda McCartney, although on Sunday I did have Cottage Pie, so I’m probably not. Plus Paul McCartney is my least favourite Beatle. (No offence if you’re reading this Sir Paul).

Also last week, I had to send an email on ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ behalf, so I cc’d her in. Later on she said, “I’d written a good email” (or words to that effect). I’ll be honest, I will take any compliment where I can get them and even if I’m not sure if someone is being complimentary or just sarcastic, I take it as a compliment, but it did make me wonder what small compliments other people have had. Feel free to let me know of your small compliments via the comments button.

Last week Rupert Murdoch was speaking at the Leveson Inquiry (how long is this enquiry). It’s seems that the accepted view of Rupert Murdoch is that he is the devil, or if not the devil, the devil’s representative on earth. Yet, The Sun is the biggest selling paper in Britain and The Times is basically propped up financially by him. The former fact shows that people are prepared to buy his products and the latter would appear to show he’s not just motivated by commercial factors. With this in mind I wondered if there are people out there who like Rupert Murdoch. So if you like Rupert Murdoch, feel free to let me know.

And Finally… In the last couple of weeks I’ve watched a number of films. First up was, ‘Get Him to the Greek’ starring Russell Brand, the ‘On the Waterfront’ starring Marlon Brando, then Moneyball with Brand Pitt (ok, Brad Pitt), then I watched ‘Harry Brown’, then a docu/film about Black women’s hair, presented randomly by Chris Rock, called ‘Good Hair’ and finally I watched ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’. I’m going to be bold and say no one reading this will have seen all these films (I may be wrong). Not even ‘HWOPJ’ watched all 6 films as she wouldn’t watch Harry Brown as she thought it was too violent. Maybe I should have thought this, before getting it out of the library, as the blurb read, “Makes any Quentin Tarantino film seem like the magic roundabout”. Feel free to let me know how many of the films you’ve watched.

Til next week, stay safe!

Different route, same destination

John Hegley

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’ve been working at the school I’m currently in since September and since then I have taken the same route to school. Yesterday (Mon), a mere 7 months into the job I decided I would take a slightly different route to school. Instead of walking of one way at a crossing, I’m going another route. If I’m being honest, it is a little bit quicker than the route I have been sticking to stubbornly since September. Don’t get me wrong it’s not significantly quicker, for me to think I have been wasting my life for the last 7 months but it is still quicker.

It’s also means that I get to see new sights, including a school called Julian’s Primary School. I can’t help thinking this will be a future photo opportunity, although I think I will wait til a weekend when there are no pupils around before I start getting my camera out. In this suspicious world people might not give me the chance to explain that my name is Julian, like the name of the school, before they lynch me as a perv.

In other news. On Friday I went out partying, it was arguably the closest I’ve come to clubbing in many a year. It had many aspects of clubbing, i.e a level of loud music that makes it almost impossible to hear what people are saying but not loud enough for you not to try to hold a conversation, it also had a dance floor. Talking of dancing, during the evening our party had a dance competition, which was won by yours truly. Admittedly most people refused to participate or in ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ case scarper to the bar, but the important thing is I won and deservedly so. I brought out some of my classic moves from my extensive repertoire, including stroking my eyebrow with my index finger (it probably needs to be seen) and even the lasso. Having long last been recognised for my dancing, I’m now thinking next stop football and then maybe comedy.

And Finally… I’m pleased to announce I will be compering a Comedy Poetry night called John Hegley and Some Other Poets. It’s at the Cockpit Theatre, Marylebone, London. It’s on Fri 4th May. Time 8pm, Price £8. For more info.

Til next week, stay safe!

Detective Daniel

Hola. Hope you are well.

I was going to blog yesterday, Mon (my supposed day of posting these blogs) but I was a little under the weather and didn’t have the energy these blog posts require (haha). Due to my cold, I did go to bed early, 10:15 pm, and surprise surprise I felt fresher than normal this morning. Yet despite constantly thinking I should go to bed early on a school night, I very rarely get to bed before 11pm and if you were to ask me what I was doing from 10:30 onwards, it wouldn’t be anything of significance. It’s made me think that maybe I am an adult he would benefit from having a bedtime imposed on me by a responsible adult. Some pocket-money wouldn’t go amiss either. Feel free to let me know what time you go to bed.

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster at the school I work at. Since January my work has involved me staying with my pupil during the start of lunch, which meant I got a free hot meal and a pudding with custard. This may sound sad but this is my one perk of the job (that and seeing the children happy and succeeding) but yesterday I was told the free dinners would be stopping. I was gutted, this would mean going back to making sandwiches and trying to come up with interesting combinations. However today I learnt the free meals for staff are back on, Woohoo! I really could do without such drama in my life. Feel free to let me know what the perks of your job are.

Also today I had to play detective, not a very good detective but detective all the same. This was because essentially I am an idiot and this came to the surface on Saturday when a friend of mine txted me about her birthday party this Friday, off her new number. I remember at the time thinking this is her new number I should save it. I was also going to txt her back but before I got round to this I went to the pub to watch the FA Cup semi-final between Liverpool and Everton. After the match I needed a lie down, so went to bed and thought I will txt my friend back but before I did this my brain said “why don’t you delete some txts”. This was a little out of character as I usually wait til I have over a 100 txts in my inbox before I start deleting and on this occasion only had about 30. I think everyone reading this knows what happened next, I absent mindedly deleted her text. Which of course meant I didn’t have her number. I did txt her old number but guess what this bore no fruit. So today I was forced to ring the school my friend works at and had to explain my situation to the receptionist but my effort was rewarded as today we were reunited. I think you’ll agree it’s the feel good story of the year.

And Finally… I am announcing my retirement from the Grand National, betting in not participating. This is because one of the horses I had money on ‘According to Pete’ died at this year’s race. If this wasn’t bad enough one of the horses I had money on last year also died, so unless the people organising the race can assure the course is going to be safer for the horses, I’m not going to bet. Alternatively, I could contact all the race horse owners and tell them of my record and get them to pay me not to bet on their horses. It may be my best way of making money out of the race and technically it’s not blackmail. Well, I think it’s not blackmail.

Til next week, stay safe!

A year’s a long time in comedy

Me in Arundel (technically Amberley)

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’m back blogging on a Weds. In my defence Monday was a Bank Holiday and I was travelling back from Arundel. I was going to blog yesterday (Tues), but I got up, completed an application form that had to be sent by noon and because technology likes to play with me, it somehow didn’t save my work, so I didn’t get to send it and after that I didn’t feel like doing my blog. Feel free to let me know when technology got the better of you.

On last week’s blog post, I mentioned that 3 Prong Attack (my double act) might have a gig on the Monday, I did make a point of saying might because I knew you had to go down to the venue and put your name down before you could perform. Well that was what I thought, based exclusively on what happened when we performed this night just over a year ago. However a year is a long time in comedy. So I get to the venue before Prong 2, and recognise the compere, so I asked him if he was the person I should speak to about tonight’s comedy, he said “For tickets”? I thought that’s not a good sign but I continued by letting it be known that I wanted to perform.

He then asked, “What is your comedy history?” This caught me a little off guard but I quickly mentioned that I’d done stand up since, 2000/01. Normally that is enough, as promoters are reassured you’re not a fly by night, but on this occasion, I got nothing back. So with my big hitter drawing a blank, I decided to go with the fact that we’d played his gig, a year ago, nothing. At this point, I knew things weren’t going the way they should, so I started floundering and saying we’ve been doing gigs on the London open mic scene for the last year. Why I thought this would impress him, more than performing at his own night and being involved in comedy for 12 years, I don’t know.

At this point you’re probably thinking we didn’t get to perform, however we had one last hope as he said “Have you got anything on the internet”? As it happens 3 Prong do have some video clips on the internet but I didn’t direct him to them. I imagined a scenario where he got out his iPhone out (other phones are available) and started marking our material and then telling us we weren’t good enough to perform. So in the end we didn’t get to perform. I can’t help thinking it’s getting harder and harder, to do 5 mins of material.

And Finally… Also on last weeks blog post, I mentioned how 3 Prong Attack had put in for a competition, run by Samsung to be an olympic vlogger (video blogger), well you can view our entry here. Hope you enjoy!

Til next time, stay safe!                                                                                                                                                                                            @anunknowncomic


Is it wrong to re-gift an Easter egg?

Hola. Hope you are well.

I may have a 3 Prong Attack gig (my double act) this evening, Mon 2nd April. I say I may because for this gig you have to go to the venue early to put your name down for a slot. For those who will be in central London this evening, the gig takes place at the Round Table Pub (upstairs), 26 Martins Court, nearest Tube st is Leicester Sq. Doors 8pm, Show starts 8:30pm. It’s £5 in if you mention Chortle, see here and £7 if you don’t. Even if we aren’t on the bill I’m sure it will still be a good night of comedy.

Talking of the 3 Prong Attack, we had a meet up last week, where we had a chat about what’s been working and what hasn’t worked in terms of our live performances. We kind of accepted that what we are doing, a radio show in front of an audience, is a difficult concept for the audience to get their heads around. We are basically going against the norm, which is apparent at comedy gigs where every other act on the bill is doing straight stand up.  So after this chat about how we suffer by not doing what other people are doing, we did a short video for a comp, to be a vlogger (video blog) during the Olympics, in it Prong 2 thinks the Olympics are being held in Paris, and then I assure him they are being staged in Qatar. I can’t imagine any of the other participants, going to the time and effort to make a video clip, and then put something in that is quite clearly a comedy sketch. To be honest I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Onto other matters and how old I look. In the past few weeks I have been mistaken for a 6th former in the school I work in, I was also prevented from buying alcohol in a Morrisons store, due to their rule of not serving alcohol to people who don’t look at least 25, all this despite me being in my mid (to late) 30s. And then last week at school, I made the error of mentioning my date of birth to a colleague. We were discussing Chinese zodiac signs, I wasn’t just randomly telling people my date of birth. I knew in an instant that I had made a mistake, mainly because she started hyperventilating and then when she recovered significantly she asked. “Are you sure”? She then went on to say “If I look like you when I’m your age, I’ll have done something right”. I doubt any woman really wants to look like a man at any stage of their life, but I understood her sentiment. The problem I have is that I quite clearly look (and probably act) younger than my age. This is probably heightened when I’m clean-shaven and I look at my youngest. These incidents have made me think if someone ever makes a biopic of my life I could play both my current self and my younger self. There can’t be that many people who can say that.

And finally… Last week the teaching agency I work for, popped into school and left me a Easter Egg, for all my hard work, which was nice. As I’m not overly fussed about chocolate, I decided I would re-gift it and pass it on to ‘Her With One Permanent Job’. The problem with this plan, is that ‘HWOPJ’ knows me too well and didn’t believe I would go out and get her an Easter Egg unprompted. So in the end, I confessed as to where I got the egg, and she then felt disappointed that I’d not gone out and bought it. So, if you only take one thing from this blog, be careful when re-gifting Easter Eggs.

Til next week, stay safe!