Advantage me

Hola. Hope you are well.

Those of you who have been reading these blog posts recently will know that I’ve had troubles with ‘The Bell Jar’, well you’ll be glad to know these troubles are finally over. I managed to locate a copy of the book in a library near work, read the 8 pages missing  from my copy (‘Her With One Permanent’s copy to be precise). I then flicked through the rest of the book to see if all the pages were there (the trust has gone), it was a good job I did as there were further pages missing towards the end of the book. As I’m not a member of this library, I had to photocopy these pages to read at a later date. Does this kind of thing happen with Kindles?

Last week in an English lesson the pupils were doing an exercise where they had to write down 3-5 people who inspire them. Some went for Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama, various pop stars, family members and one boy went for little old me. He said, not only am I a comedian, who does comedy poems, I also help in school. So I’m officially an inspirer, in many ways I’m this country’s Barack Obama and Nelson Mandela rolled into one.

Yesterday, ‘HWOPJ’ and I went Christmas shopping. During the trip it struck me that at this time of year most men are dragged around  shopping centres by their missus but surely there must be exceptions to this rule. So if there is a man reading this who is in a long-term relationship,with a woman and has never had to do the Christmas shop, contact me and tell us all your secret. You can contact me via the comments button.

In other news, I’m thinking of buying an electrical toothbrush. I’ve never had one before and I’m quite excited, probably more excited than I should be. One reason for my excitement is that I’m going to buy the toothbrush with my Boots advantage points I’ve amassed. I currently have £26:06, feel free to let me know if you have more money on a loyalty card, and also feel free to give me any advice on electric toothbrushes.

And Finally… as next week will be Christmas Eve I won’t be blogging, so this will be my last blog post of the year. So in addition to thanking everyone for reading this blog throughout the year and wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I’ve also written an Acrostic Christmas poem for you (see below).

Til next year, have a safe festive period!

@anunknowncomic

I Haven’t Got a Title Yet but forgive me as I inspire the Next Generation!

C arol singers and credit cards

H ope and hangovers

R udolph and long lost relatives

I nn keepers and ‘iccle baby Jesus

S nowballs, sledges and sprouts

T urkey, tinsel and tension

M istletoe and mince pies

A dvent calendars and crackers

S atsumas in stockings, delivered by Santa.

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This is your life

Hola. Hope you are well.

I was in Manchester over the weekend hosting a show, before you get too excited, I wasn’t hosting the X Factor final, nor the Xtra Factor(or any spin-off of the X Factor). I was in fact hosting ‘This Is Your Life’, or a loose version of said prog as part of the entertainment for an 80th birthday party, (I’m available for weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs). It wasn’t just any 80th birthday party it was ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ granddad’s party.

I’d even done some research for my role. I say research, I looked on Wikipedia and found out things that happened in the year he was born, the most popular boy’s name in that year compared to today. I also looked up famous people who share the same birthday as him, only to find out his birthday wasn’t the day of the party but was actually the next day,whoops. Overall the section went well, and should anyone from ITV be reading this and be thinking of re-commissioning ‘This Is Your Life’ bare me in mind.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that ‘HWOPJ’ was in Kenya with work, she’s back now and there’s already talk of another jolly (I mean work trip) this time to the USA. In my job as a TA, I ended up annoying a teacher by photocopying. Apparently she couldn’t concentrate on her marking whilst the photocopier was photocopying. I don’t feel this was my fault, I didn’t make the photocopier, nor did I put it in that department’s office. I can’t help thinking ‘HWOPJ’s’ job is more exciting than mine. (feel free to let me know if your partner’s job is more exciting than yours, you can contact me via the comments button)

And Finally… Other than annoying teachers I had an embarrassing moment at school. As I was leaving a lesson, the teacher asked me if the Biology exam paper on the floor was mine. I said “No” but then had a look at it and written on the front was Mark Scheme, so I said “It’s Mark Scheme’s” but pronounced it ‘Mark Scheem’. The teacher then said, “No it’s Mark Scheme”. So I said, “Do you know him?”. She then said, “No it’s the mark scheme”. Only then did the penny drop, that it was just the mark scheme and not a person called Mark Scheme. Feel free to contact me if you are call Mark Scheme, it would make me feel a little less stupid, if it is someone’s name.

Til next week, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Book Purgatory

Hola. Hope you are well.

Another varied week for this unknown comedian. For starters I was put in my place on Twitter by a radio presenter on a national radio station. In his defence I did Tweet him with a link to a blog post that I wrote that was less than complimentary about his football team, Chelsea and at least he did respond. Normally, when I tweet famous people, such as, Noel Gallagher, Rod Stewart, Neil ‘Dr’ Fox, Kenny Dalglish, John Barnes, Gary Lineker, Michael Owen, they ignore me. Typically, the one that does respond, has a go at me. As I am a fan of his radio show I know part of his schtick is being a grumpy Chelsea fan and to show there was no hard feelings I tweeted him back to compliment him about a feature on his show. He then backtracked a little, so all is good in the world, and I have something to open my weekly blog post with. It also allows me to ask the question, when have you been contacted by a famous person/when has a famous person put you in your place? (feel free to contact me via the comments button).

On last week’s blog post, I mentioned how I was reading ‘The Bell Jar’. You’d think that this would be a straight forward thing for a fully grown adult but no. I got to page 108 and then realised pages 111 to 119 were missing. The problem I had is that although 8 pages aren’t that many and I could just continue reading and it wouldn’t make that much difference, in my head these 8 pages are now the most important 8 pages in the book.

My plan was to go to a library and read the 8 pages in the library and then get on with living the rest of my life. So I checked online if my local library had a copy and went a long with a copy of my book, just in case the page numbers were different in the copy the library had. All very sensible stuff I’m thinking. I go to the section of the library where the book should be and there is no sign of the book, plenty of Jodi Picoult but no Sylvia Plath. I asked at the counter and the librarian said it should be in the library, it could be on the returned shelves. This is where books go when they have been returned but have not yet been put on the proper shelves, like the library version of purgatory. The problem with these shelves is that they are not in any order, so I ended up scrambling on the floor with a copy of The Bell Jar in one hand, whilst looking for another copy of said book. I must have come across as being some sort of Sylvia Plath addict. The upshot of all this is that I still haven’t managed to locate a copy of the book with those 8 pages in, maybe this week will prove more fruitful.

And Finally… on last week’s blog post I asked ‘what’s the earliest you’ve been sacked’? Regular contributor to this blog, Simon, mentioned how he left a job at 2:15 in the morning but there was no public transport to take him home. so he had to take a taxi those 35 miles at a cost of £150. This made me think what’s the most you’ve paid in a taxi. So what’s the most you’ve paid in a taxi?

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic