What’s the secret of coaching?

Hola. Hope you are well.

Last week I was on half-term but instead of having a relaxing time I was on a football coaching course, which meant getting up earlier than I would for work, travelling further than I would for work and doing longer hours than I would at work. It was also a ball-ache getting to the venue. Of the 4 days, I tried 3 different ways to get there.

The first day, I took a route that was going to get me to the nearest station for 8:55, leaving me a mere 5 mins to get to the course. Naturally, my train was delayed and so on my first day I got there 10 mins late. I walked in as the class were introducing themselves and saying a little about themselves. After my turn the instructor said, “What is the most important thing about being a coach?” As I was trying to think of a suitable answer he said “Time-keeping”. That was me told.

After that I thought it would be better to try an alternative route the next day. This time I walked 15 mins to my train station and tapped in. I say it was my train station but as it happened the station I wanted was 50 metres further on. How was I to know there are 2 stations with all most identical names so close to each other. Things like this could confuse a simple man. Then when I got to my connecting station I had trouble working out how to get to the platform I needed. All this was up against the clock and I ended up having to make a mad dash to make the train. All this was too stressful, so I decided to do the exact same route the next day. My thinking being, as I know what platform I require it shouldn’t be as stressful, that wasn’t the way I felt as I was going up and down a lift trying to locate  platform 4.

The next day I decided to get a bus and then a train, which proved the most successful of the routes. It was just a shame that I’d only discovered this on the last day of the course. In many ways my literal journey over those 4 days mirrors the metaphorical journey that is my life. Although I may be reading too much into things.

In other news, I ended up going to a vegetarian restaurant (Her With One Permanent Job’s friend’s Bday). Now don’t get me wrong, I like vegetables and would encourage all people to eat them but whenever I have a vegetarian dish I always feel like it lacks something… mainly horse. (satire ladies and gentleman)

In all seriousness I did leave the restaurant wondering how vegetarian restaurants can charge the same as other restaurants when they lack a major ingredient in all their dishes.

And Finally… With Britain losing it’s triple A rating, experts have speculated how it will it affect us. With only a couple of days into these financially perilous times, I’ve already resorted to picking up vouchers in the street. It was a £2:72 off your next shop, voucher. Was I wrong to do this? Will I be sifting through bins come next week? Feel free to let me know your thoughts, via the comments button.

Til next time, stay safe!

Ps. I passed the football coaching course.

@anunknowncomic

46664 not 64446

Hola. Hope you are well.

This whole horse meat in foods has made me question whether as a society we are horse-ist. I’m sure if we’d been brought up to eat horse burgers or horse lasagna we would now be appalled if we heard there were percentages of cow meat in our burgers. It seems odd that we should object to eating one type of animal and ahead of another. Admittedly I would object to eating human.

It’s not like we the public objected on grounds of taste. It wasn’t if we were going round saying, “This burger tastes horsey”. We had no idea. Although I’m sure everyone and anyone who has ever eaten cheap burgers has never lived under the illusion that they were made with the finest of meat cuts.

For me the most worrying thing about this whole thing is that the supermarkets involved seemed to have no idea what was going on, or seemed to care that much. I’m sure what will happen in the future is that supermarkets will phase out these cheap burgers and only provide quality burgers but naturally the only way they will be able ensure this quality is by putting up the prices. So essentially we the public will be paying for a crisis we had no involvement in its making. Where have we heard that before?

It is a wonder that between The Grand National and our unwitting consumption, that there are any horses left in existence.

On to Pope Benedict, who resigned this week, becoming the first Pope to resign in 600 years. He decided to step down on health grounds, which seems acceptable as he is 85. However, every other Pope seems to have left the post via death, which in many ways is the ultimate health reason.

And Finally… on to me. This week at work I finally got round to creating a PIN number for my printing and photocopying account (it’s never dull with me). I had to create a 5 digit number, initially I was going to go with 91011 (as in 9, 10, 11) but then I thought I’d go with Nelson Mandela’s prison number. I was quite pleased with myself, not only had I been able to sort my PIN number out with little hassle but I was able to make a personal nod of honour towards Nelson Mandela. I’m sure if Nelson is reading this, on some level he may think this act makes up for spending 27 yrs in prison.

Typically of me I set my PIN and then only afterwards out of curiosity thought to check it was the correct number. I’m sure most sensible adults would have done this the other way round. Naturally overtime I had muddled the numbers and got the 4’s and 6’s the wrong way round. So yesterday I had to change my PIN number to that of Mandela’s prison number, but this time it didn’t seem such a historic occasion. I suppose it’s like the old adage, ‘you only get one chance to make a first set of numbers for your photocopying account.”

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Doctor Doctor

Hola. Hope you are well.

Or in honour of the news that Polish is now the second most spoken language in England, Hello. Nadzieję, że dobrze.   (blame Google translate should this not be correct).

I had a doctor’s appointment earlier this week, it also coincided with a departmental meeting at work. Despite actually having a doctor’s appointment, as I was mentioning it to my boss, I was struck by how much it sounded like a lie. I reckon I would have been more convincing if I’d have said I was going for a job interview.

My visit to the doctor’s was due to a lump on my shoulder. Whilst there I mentioned that my friend at work had suggested it could have been caused by the strap on my (man) bag. I’m not sure how much trained medical professionals enjoy patients bringing unqualified opinions to their surgery. Anyway, I continued by suggesting I could put my strap on the other shoulder, (with the intention of seeing if the lump goes down). He laughed and said, “So you can get a lump on the shoulder”. It was quite a good line and we both laughed but I’m not sure where I stand on doctors cracking jokes (especially at my expense). Feel free to let me know when you’ve been met with comedy in an inappropriate setting. You can contact me via the comments button.

To get my own back, next time I’m doing a comedy gig, I’m going to introduce some kind of medical procedure as part of my act. That’ll learn him.

Til next time, stay safe!

@unknowncomic