Clinging on to my youth

Hola. Hope you are well.

I went to the Open East Festival at the Olympic Park yesterday. I was lucky enough to get in free as I was ‘working’ on my friend’s stall. The festival was part of the Anniversary Games or as I like to call them the ‘Cashing in-versary Games’ (I’m not sure it quite works).

There were plenty of people walking around with their London Olympic T-shirts on, I don’t want to come across like a fashionista but that is sooo last year.

There were many different forms of entertainment at the festival, music, theatre, a bouncy castle Stonehenge and a 60m running track. The latter proved to be significant, at least to me.

When I left my flat  earlier that day I had no idea that I would be taking part in a sprint. Even when ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ was pushing me towards the start line like someone’s 6 yr old’s mum, I still wasn’t convinced I’d actually be running the race. I wasn’t kitted out correctly and I had a sore neck from sleeping badly. You’d think I’d have learnt how to sleep properly by now.

Anyway, I’m now at the start line preparing to run this race against other ill-equipped adults and I have to admit I was nervous. Nervous for a race that I didn’t know I would be running 10 mins before. Nervous for a race that is essentially meaningless. I don’t know my competitors, there’s no medals at stake. Yet I’m still nervous, I’m nervous because this isn’t just a fun race to me, this is me clinging onto one of the few things I hold dear, the idea that despite being in my mid to late 30s I can still compete with my former self. One of the things I was when I was younger was a quick runner, a sprinter, someone who always excelled at sports day. Yet now I’m having to put the perception my mind has of me into some sort of reality.

I get a terrible start, my legs are moving but they don’t seem to be generating the necessary power. At about half way I’m up with the leader who is on the lane to my immediate left, he has a slight advantage. At this point I’m thinking I’m not going to win this. Not that many strides later I felt my hamstring tighten, but not enough to put me off and at this stage I’m at my optimum speed. Then something brilliant happens, I move into the lead and I know I’m going to win this race and when I do cross the line first, I have to admit that I am pleased. I feel I have achieved something, I feel I have proved a point to myself, probably that I need to warm up before doing rigorous exercise. And after the euphoria and a few Usain Bolt like poses, I couldn’t help but think that with a bit of training, I could make it to the Rio Olympics.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

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The Protector of our human rights

Hola. Hope you are well.

He may not be to everyone’s taste but good on Frankie Boyle for going on hunger strike to highlight the issue of Shaker Aamer. He’s the last Brit left in Guantanamo Bay and has been on hunger strike since March, having been held without a trial since 2002.

You’d think that if you are going to imprison someone for 11 years you should have the common courtesy to find them guilty of a crime.

If this situation had taken place a hundred years ago and we were reading about it in a history book, we would smugly assume this couldn’t happen today because governments around the world, authorities and organisations wouldn’t allow it to take place.

Instead we’re relying on Frankie Boyle to be the protector of our human rights. Who could have foreseen that? Probably not Rebecca Adlington.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

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Can Eminem save Detroit?

Hola. Hope you are well.

I was having a few staff drinks on Friday as it was our last day of school before the summer hols. During these drinks I was saying to my mate who knows about things, that Eminem should bail out Detroit now it’s gone into bankruptcy and he is from Detroit. My mate was having none of it and even said I was being ridiculous, which was a surprise as he’s worked with me for 2 academic years and even reads this blog so should know speaking nonsense is what I do.

One of the reasons he thought my plan was far-fetched was because he didn’t believe Eminem was rich enough to buy Detroit. Taking his point on board I did then suggest he could team up with regular musical collaborator Dr Dre who is minted mainly thanks to the success of his Beats headphones. This didn’t sway my friend.

I mentioned my plan to another friend, who was staying with us over the weekend and he was more accommodating to my idea and even suggested Iggy Pop could be added to the consortium as he too is from Detroit. So my new revised plan to get Detroit out of the financial predicament it finds itself, is to get Eminem, Dr Dre and Iggy  Pop to buy it.

When it happens remember where you heard it first!

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

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Is JK Rowling, Henry Pumpkin?

Hola. Hope you are well.

Over the weekend I was interested to learn that JK Rowling had written a crime novel ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ under the name Robert Galbraith. Despite getting good reviews it only sold 1500 copies since its release in April. The opposite was true of her post Harry Potter book, ‘The Casual Vacancy’ which received mixed reviews yet sold 125 000 copies in its first week of sales. It’s almost as if reviews have no baring on book sales.

Now the ‘secret’ has been disclosed  and we all know it was JK Rowling who penned ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ and not first time novelist Robert Galbriath, sales have somewhat picked up, so much so that it now tops the Amazon sales list. It’s almost as if the publishers had a vested interest in wanting the truth to come out.

Anyway, with this spike in sales, it has made me wonder if the co-author of the book I wrote ‘How To Dump Your Girlfriend’ was in fact JK Rowling, writing under the pseudonym Henry Pumpkin. After all I never met the other writer and let’s face it Henry Pumpkin sounds like a made up name.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

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Sir Andy Murray?

Hola. Hope you are well.

Congrats to Andy Murray on winning Wimbledon, the first British man to do so since Fred Perry 77 years ago.

I didn’t actually watch the game, there was some talk about watching it on a big screen in central London but by the time we got there it was packed and it was near impossible to see the screen. So me, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ and my uni friend headed to a nearby stretch of grass and had a picnic. Ironically we were positioned right next to tennis courts so we did get to see some tennis, mainly couples playing against each other. Which strikes me as a little odd, that you would be into tennis enough to be playing it but not enough to watch a Brit in the final of Wimbledon.

I wasn’t too fussed about missing the game as watching Andy Murray games generally stress me out. And although I quite like Andy Murray mainly because of his surliness and the fact he made an anti-England football joke that people held against him until he cried after losing last year’s Wimbledon, I wouldn’t say I was a fan.

The problem I have with tennis is that it is very much an individual sport (especially the singles), so even though people were interested in the outcome, I can’t help thinking more people would have followed the game if David Cameron had said a Murray win would have resulted in having the Monday off.

At the final it did seem that everyone who’s anyone was there and politicians. It was also a bit suss that all these famous people got so lucky in the public ballot for tickets. There were so many celebs there that I’d be surprised if any normal people were inside centre court.

Now Andy has won Wimbledon talk has moved on to what next for him. David Cameron has said that there’s no one in the country more deserving of a knighthood than Andy. So in Cameron’s head the one person in the whole country who deserves an accolade for their achievements is a multi-millionaire who happens to be exceptionally good at hitting a ball over a net. Maybe Dave needs to get out more.

If history repeats itself then perhaps in 50 years time young people will be wearing Andy Murray T-shirts. Or maybe he will follow another former British Grand Slam winner, Sue Barker and present A Question of Sport. Who can predict the future?

And Finally… I can’t be the only person not to watch the game, so with this in mind I’m thinking of setting up a group with other people who found themselves in the same position. Maybe we could meet up every Wimbledon men’s final and not watch it together. If you’re up for it contact me via the comments button.  You can even mention the reason you didn’t see the game but only if you want.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

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I’m a media mogul

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’m sure you are all aware that yesterday was the first day (Mon 1st July) in charge of the Bank of England for Mark Carney. He’s been compared to George Clooney and described as a ‘Rock star banker’ which begs the question do we want a rock star at the helm of our banking system. Rock stars are generally irresponsible, carefree and prone to erratic decision making, on second thoughts maybe rock stars would be at home in the world of banking. Feel feel to let me know which Rock stars you think would make a good governor of the bank of england. You can contact me via the comments button.

Continuing the financial theme, the main story in the Guardian Money section on Saturday was how buying-to-let was so yesterday and that the new thing is now renting to rent. It did make wonder if the next big thing in the property world will be hiring out shop doorways.

Away from the topic of money and to 3Prong Attack (the radio show I belong to) where it has been a busy few days, with the biggest thing signing up to a Twitter @3ProngAttack. I know this might not be a big thing for most people but 3Prong is the radio show that took 15yrs to go from hospital radio to podcasting (prongcasting). Part owning a new twitter feed means I am now in charge of 2 and a half twitter feeds, I also have 2 blogs and a website. I’m what can only be described as a media mogul. I’m like Rupert Murdoch, a more niche Rupert Murdoch but Rupert Murdoch all the same.

And Finally… in my last blog post I mentioned that I’d won a dancing competition. This was met with some doubt but one of the positives about documenting my life is that I could empathise with Peter Andre should we ever meet, the other is that I have evidence on hand for such occasions. So here is the blog post that records my famous dancing success. Check out the third paragraph.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

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