Pop Poetry

My management team have told me I should start writing poetry again. They’ve assured me there’s money in it and my brand of pop poetry (easily accessible) will go down well. So I went off to a writing retreat (my bedroom) to come up with the future of poetry. The only problem was that for some reason that I’ve yet to workout why the  subjects I was coming up with were, losing in life, being skint and getting old.

I’m not sure how my management team will view them.

@anunknowncomic

Have a listen to my comedy prongcasts. Cheers

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Something to ponder.

It’s only taken 4 years but the comedy prongcast (podcast) I do 3Prong Attack has passed 10 000 listens (this doesn’t include the 1000+ downloads). Thanks to anyone who’s listened.

In other stats based news, the football blog I write has seen its best monthly figures of the year. Working in education as I do, August has also seen me on my summer holidays which may have had something to do with these improved figures. Perhaps this is a sign I should take September off. The only problem with this, is that like Snapchat I’ve yet to find a way to monetise my online popularity and without September’s wage I may struggle to eat and pay bills. It’s something to ponder.

@viewfromthetrev

The key to online success.

I was looking at the stats of my football blog and it appears that the most popular day came after I tweeted a link where I accidentally used #Waffordfc not #Watfordfc. Does this mean the key to online success is misspelling? Perhaps Google was meant to be Goggle and only became a global success when there was an admin error at America’s equivalent of Companies House.

@anunknowncomic

Have a listen to my comedy prongcast. Thanks.

Jobs for the boy.

My one year boy has just started taking his first tentative steps. He is however good at kicking a ball whilst holding my hand. With this in mind I was wondering what’s the earliest age Premier League clubs offer parents a ‘financial inducement’ to join their academy. The sooner the better from my perspective.

If not a Premier League footballer, I’m thinking a forensics officer as he has an inbuilt ability to find the smallest of bits. There would be some danger that the evidence would end up in his mouth but I suppose that’s the risk of employing toddlers.

@unknowncomic

Have a listen to my comedy prongcast. Thanks.

Cutting down on the white stuff.

Like Ian Wright I need to cut down on my sugar intake.

This realisation, like most realisations in life, came via porridge.

Whenever I’ve made porridge for myself I’ve always added sugar but for my 1 year old I make it without. Being so young I also have to check the temperature is suitable. I do this through the very sophisticated method of sticking my little finger in the porridge. This however means I then have a bit of porridge on my finger and the easiest way to remove this is by licking it off. On doing this I was surprised that it didn’t taste minging, in fact it was more than passable. Since then I’ve tried to take less sugar in my porridge, my other cereals and my cups of tea (down to about half a tea spoon).

Feel free to tell me about your sugar journey, either via the comments button or @anunknowncomic

Listen to my comedy prongcast. Cheers

Rioting workshops

When I used to do poetry workshops in prisons before and after 2010 there were definitely less riots and general violence in prisons.

Some people might say this is because the government have cut the number of prison officers. Others may point to the fact experienced officers have been replaced with young and inexperienced officers, who are unable to deal as effectively with such circumstances. Some may say that the above reasons has meant that prisoners are being locked up for upto 23 hours a day leading to justified resentment. Others may say we send too many people to prison in the first place.

I on the other hand am saying the increase in prison violence is down to my lack of poetry workshops. So confident of my abilities that during the next prison riots I want the governor to ring me and I will guarantee to calm the situation within 2 hours with a mix of word association games and a few clever rhymes. I await the call.

@anunknowncomic

Listen to my comedy prongcast. Cheers.

One higher than mute.

I managed to work out (I read the instructions) how to turn off the flashing lights and transmission  noise on the baby monitor.

It was quite reassuring having the noise, just so we knew it was working but at night it impacted on my sleep. Now I can have uninterrupted sleep, unless the baby wakes, I need the toilet, or as is happening I wake anyway as my sleep pattern is all over the place.

Talking of baby monitors, you can set the volume at 1. Who sets their baby monitor at 1? Surely it’s either set high or in the middle, not one higher than mute. Should you set it at 1 feel free to contact me via the comments button or @anunknowncomic

Listen to my comedy prongcast. Thanks.