What’s the funniest letter?

Hola. Hope you are well.

On my last blog post I mentioned how 3 Prong Attack had started doing Prongcasts (podcasts to you and me). At the weekend I spoke to the one of the very few people in the world that has listened to the podcast and he said it inspired him to do his own. So essentially 3 Prong Attack are inspiring people to do niche broadcasting.

Also since my last post, I’ve done something that I’ve never done before. I’ve started reading a book on how to write comedy. I’m sure there will be some people reading this, that will be asking, ‘what took you so long’? I’ve only just started it but one of the things I’ve learnt is that ‘K’ is the funniest letter of the alphabet. Can this really be true? Maybe it is, but in my knowledge of American History putting 3 Ks together doesn’t make for comedy gold. Feel free to let me know what you think the funniest letter of the alphabet is. You can contact me via the comments button.

One of the most bizarre stories I’ve seen for a long time involved the selling of fake bomb detectors to police forces and security agencies across the globe by James McCormick. These devices were in fact golf ball detectors and had no use as bomb detectors, unless of course the bombs were made of golf balls. I have two questions about this, firstly, how was he able to get away with this, do people not check this sort of thing and secondly, who has a gadget to find golf balls? What’s wrong with your eyes?

Over in America, Barack Obama was sent the poisonous substance Ricin in the post. It must be pretty easy for the FBI to spot such things, after all in these technological days, who apart from those up to no good communicate with the President by letter? At least we know the person who sent the letter wasn’t black, because if they were, they would have sent Ricin Peas. Did I say I’ve started reading a book about how to write great comedy?

On a recent blog post I wrote about the passing of Mrs Thatcher. After reading the none too complimentary piece, a friend asked me if I’d downloaded the anti-Thatcher song, ‘Ding Dong The Witch is Dead’. I had to admit I hadn’t, not on political grounds but because I have never downloaded any music in my life. I’m so old school, that I still have a Sony Walkman. So if the song had come out on cassette I would have bought it.

And Finally… I was reading a report which stated the tickets sold to the public at last year’s Olympic games were too expensive. Perhaps the organisers will get it right for the next London Olympics. Here’s hoping!

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

How to make friends and influence people

cheryl cole

Hola. Hope you are well and had a good Bank Hol weekend.

I went to support ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ who was running in a 10K race yesterday (Mon). Despite being a hot day she recorded a good time beating her previous best. One thing I did notice was the lack of wacky outfits, there was one or two but most people decided to stick to traditional running outfits, probably for the best. I also didn’t see anyone running with a fridge on their back or anyone running with bleeding testicles (that’s one for the long time readers of this blog) for newcomers click here.

Some people ran with their names on their shirts, I think this is so spectators can shout their name when offering support. A few people around me did do this, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think it’s a bit creepy to call somebody you don’t know by their name, I like to wait until I am formally introduced. I was however a little taken aback by the number of people called BUPA, I didn’t realise it was such a common name.

I’m currently on half term, woohoo! I have to admit that behind regular income, the best thing about working in schools, is the number of holidays I get (that and shaping the lives of future generations, of course). For some reason I’ve felt knackered this half-term, so tired I decided I would check how many days I had worked this half -term, the grand total was… 17. That’s seventeen, I shouldn’t be tired after working seventeen days and when I say seventeen days it’s not as if it’s seventeen consecutive days, there were weekends in between. There’s only two possible reasons for this lethargy either I’m a pussy or I have an illness that I don’t yet know about. My instincts lead me to the former.

Talking of schools, Barack Obama was in this country last week, so was I. He was also in a school in London last week, so was I, he was more specifically in a school in Southwark last week, so was I. Unfortunately this is where the similarities stop as he didn’t visit the school I was in. If I’d got to meet Barack Obama I think it would have more than made up for having to work 17 days this half-term. If I had met him I would have definitely given him one of my business cards. To be fair he is already a reader of my football blog as can be proved when he commented on my blog post a few months ago. It’s only a line but it’s still a comment (see here, scroll down to comments).

Now on to a little bit of showbiz news and it was announced last week that Cheryl Cole had been dropped as a judge on the American X Factor. At first I have to admit the news did fill me with some pleasure and then I thought about it a little more and I felt my reaction didn’t show me in a good light. Then I thought it must be quite bad for her as not only has she missed out on this great opportunity in America in quite a public way, because she’d already said she wouldn’t be doing the UK X-Factor, she was somewhat snookered. I read in a couple of newspapers that she was in talks with Simon Cowell and ITV about other projects. But ITV only have a handful of big programmes, she’s ruled herself out of one, I can’t see her in the jungle, so that only leaves one. So expect to see her walking down those famous cobbles and maybe drinking a pint in the Rovers any day soon and when she does remember where you heard it first.

And Finally…. in The Guardian last week they compiled a list of the top 100 most influential people in music. It surprisingly (to me) put as Number 1 , Adele and her team. This lead me to question what am I influential in, Comedy? No, Poetry? No, Blogs? No. Having thought about a bit more I came to the realisation that I’m not even the most influential in my flat.

Til next week, stay safe!

My mate Barack

Carol Bone

Hola. Hope you are well.

I start with some exciting news. I’ve been contacted by the President of the United States of America, Mr Barack Obama. When I say contacted, it wasn’t directly but he did comment on my football blog, (click here and scroll down to comments section). I have to be honest, I’m not 100% sure it was actually sent by Barack but by the time I keep telling and re-telling this story and hyperbole meets exaggeration, it won’t be long before people are asking, “Aren’t you good friends with Barack Obama?”

Talking of my mate Barack, it was a bad week for him and the Democrats in the mid-term elections. They lost control of the House of Representatives to the Republicans, it would appear Americans have very short memories. The US do seem to have an odd system, where you get elected for four years and then 2 years in, you have another mini election that changes how you can govern. It’s like leasing a house for 2 years with your other-half and then a year in the landlord moves another couple in, without your say so. That could be a little awkward, or a whole heap of fun depending on how open you all are.

I was reading the Metro newspaper on the bus the other day and saw an article about Carol Bone (See here). Carol is a 62-year-old woman who according to the report has slept with 200 men in the last 2 years, even though she has a bad back and suffers from arthritis. Apparently her favourite age group are those men in their 30s and 40s. I have a few things to say about this story. Firstly, her surname is Bone, can that merely be a coincidence? Secondly, I’m not surprised she has a sore  back, I’d be more surprised if that’s the only part of her body that’s sore. And finally, I’m in my 30s, am I supposed to be having sex with this woman? I sincerely hope not (no disrespect Carol).

Now onto fellow Manchester comedian Jason Manford and according to reports he had been exchanging flirty tweets (private messages) with a fan Debra McNamee. Apparently he asked her to send nude pics of herself, so in the end she did, as you do. In the article I read, she said she was surprised a famous person had got in touch with her. That might be true but you don’t have to send them nude pics, just cos they ask. I can’t imagine how famous a person would have to be, for me to send them a pic of my c*ck. Maybe Paul McCartney, he is a Beatle afterall. Feel free to let me know which famous person you’d be prepared to send a nude pic to.

And Finally… I mentioned last week that I am cutting down on how many cups of tea I have. Well last week I only had 2 cups of tea, which I think is quite impressive. Despite this my teeth don’t seem any whiter. Anyway that’s enough of my exciting life. I’m off now to see if Paul McCartney’s on Twitter.

Til next week, stay safe!