Don’t believe everything you read in the papers, even if it’s true

edinburgh

Hola. I hope you are all well.

I was doing a poetry workshop this morning, which means it delayed this blog. Can you believe this thing called work has impinged on this blog? I must do something about this.

I also feel I must apologise for the fact that David Cameron is not doing the blog this week. I did say in last week’s post that I was going to get the PM to be a guest blogger. Unfortunately he couldn’t make it, I think he’s in India upsetting the Pakistanis.

In last week’s post I also jokingly said the ‘Big Society’ may result in the women from the local Bridge club becoming prostitutes. I was contacted by a lady at my local Bridge club who assured me her ladies had no intention of becoming prostitutes. All I can do at this stage is to apologise for any confusion and to warn you that this probably applies to the women at your local bridge club. Hope that clears that up.

Also on last week’s blog I mentioned how I had been doing some re-pointing at my mum’s house. Well it’s kind of taken over my daily thoughts. I’ll be out and about analysing walls and at times horrified at how decayed some of these bricks are. This can’t be right for a man in his mid-thirties. Aren’t I supposed to be thinking of sex every 7 seconds not trowels and cement?

I had some good news last week. Well, initially it was good news but then it turned a little sour. The good news was I made it into my local newspaper, the South Manchester Reporter. It was a nice article and even made me seem like a go getting writer and performer. The only problem (not for me) was that in the article it described me as single, which technically I am as I’m not married. This however didn’t go  down well with ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ Nana, who appears to think I’m using my new found fame (the local paper) as a way of attracting the ladies, if you know what I mean. Admittedly I am a hunk of burning love and added with this media spotlight, I can see why she might be concerned for her Granddaughter. But to be honest I haven’t got the time, the money, or the inclination to be dating scores of women. Maybe I have the time but the other 2 factors remain true.

Plus these women are only attracted to people more famous than me. If a woman is willing to sleep with me because she thinks I can open doors to the world of showbiz, she’s either deluded or lacking in ambition. There’s plenty of famous comedians out there, with a reputation for womanizing that these women could take advantage of, such as this guy.

And Finally… I thought I’d give you the heads up on a couple of things I’m up to. This Weds 4th Aug, I will be on the Becky Want radio show on BBC Radio Manchester, a little after 4pm, talking about public transport. 

And I will be doing 4 nights at the Edinburgh Fest from Thurs 19th Aug-Sun 22nd. The show is called ‘Argos Catalogue of Disasters’. It will feature fellow comic poets Marvin Cheeseman and Steve Rooney. If you are at the fest (or know someone who is) for these dates, come along and the best thing it is Free. For more info click here. Cheers

                                                        Til Next week, Stay safe!

(original post 2/8/10)

It’s just another brick in the wall

brick work

Hola. Hope you are well.

About this time last year I started doing some pointing at my mum’s house, well a year later I’m back there continuing the job. I don’t know what it is about this time of year that makes me think I should do pointing. Maybe it will become a family tradition, something to rival Christmas. Just to clarify, when I say I’m pointing, I mean doing brick work and not just being really observant.

And before you ask, I’m not doing this because I’ve been inspired by David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’ which I’ve got to say is a ridiculous idea. For those that are unsure what the Big Society is, (which probably includes politicians) David Cameron wants people to take control of their community by volunteering in different areas. One example given, is for locals to take over the running of their pub. Which seems like a very sensible idea because if your local landlord/lady can’t make the pub work despite having years of experience in the licensing industry, you and your mates are bound to make a success of it.

Allied with the cuts that are on the way, it will mean we are going to be removing qualified people and replacing them with well-meaning volunteers. It’s like Man Utd replacing Wayne Rooney with the 65 yr old who currently works at B&Q or ‘street walkers’ being replaced by the ladies from the local bridge society. So with this spirit of people doing jobs that they are unqualified to do, next week David Cameron will be doing this blog and Nick Clegg will be running the country.

Another ‘politician’ making the news last week was the BNP’s Nick Griffin, who was invited to the Queen’s Garden party along with others, in his capacity as a MEP. He then got uninvited, the official reason given, was that he was using the event to promote his political views and this wasn’t the arena for such a thing. However I think, the Queen thought, ‘I don’t want to be pictured with a man prone to coming out with racist remarks’. Let me clarify this, I imagine having had to go on many foreign trips with Prince Philip, she didn’t want to be pictured with another man who may come out with racist remarks.

Onto lighter stuff. I was flicking through the Royal Exchange listings brochure (I’ve changed). I was happily flicking through looking at all the different events and then what should I see but this. It was for an event called Speakeasy. For those who don’t know, I’m a member of this collective (I’m far right in the pic) and yet I had no idea about this event. Let me know if anything like this has happened to you. Have you ever found something out about yourself that unbeknown to you was actually public knowledge? (Feel free to use the comments button to let us know, cheers)

And Finally…. I ended up watching 3 films over the weekend, ‘Changing Lanes’,‘Catch me if you can’ and ‘Up in the air’. The first two I’d seen before, which does seem a little bit like a waste of my time but when you’re sat on the sofa and there’s much else on, what can you do. ‘Catch me if you can’ follows Leonardo Dicaprio’s character who is a con man (con boy). Watching it did make me want to become a con man. If anyone from any law enforcement agency is reading this, I’m not actually going to pursue this an option. And ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney is a good couple movie, because it’s slush enough for the chicks but not too unbearable for us blokes. For any more film advice, do not hesitate to ask. Cheers.

                                                           Til next week, stay safe!
(original post 26/7/10)