Opening a can of beans

Hola. Hope you are well.

I was interested to see that Chris Martin (Coldplay) is back eating meat after splitting from his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow a strict vegetarian. The implication being that his decision to not eat meat during his marriage was a decision influenced by his wife. With this in mind, what would be the first thing you’d give up/take up, if you were to split with your current partner? Let me know via the comments button, or on twitter @anunknowncomic

In other showbiz wedding news, Cheryl Cole recently got married to Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini. Apparently her husband spent £300 000 on the engagement and wedding ring. I’m sure no one reading this has that kind of money to spend on a wedding ring but I am interested to know how much you’ve spent on a wedding ring. Maybe you’ve been married a few times and so collectively you’ve spent a fair whack on wedding rings . Alternatively, I’d like to hear from people who’ve spent very little on a wedding, the cheaper the better and how was it received?

And finally…. in matters closer to home, my other half, unbeknown to me decided to take our only tin opener to work, meaning I had to improvise when for lunch I needed to open a tin of beans. For those interested, I used a hammer and a knife and made holes all round the can until I was able to remove the lid. Let me know when you’ve used an item for something other than what it was designed for.

Til next time, stay safe!

An unknown comedian is the co-author of, ‘How to Dump Your Girlfriend’

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A place called revenge

Cheryl's back tattoo

Cheryl’s back tattoo

Hola. Hope you are well.

After quite an introspective blog post, last time out, I’ve decided I would look at a few things that have made the news in recent weeks.

First up, Cheryl Cole’s new back tattoo (see pic above). In no way am I saying it is a mistake but in her life it’s probably up there with punching the toilet attendant and marrying a certain footballer. Feel free to let me know of your tattoo disasters. You can contact me via the comments button.

From Cheryl to the Italian elections (a natural segue), where people seem to find it absurd that a comedian Beppe Grillo, did so well. It’s a little hurtful, as in my opinion comedians are some of the sharpest people around. Plus is it really that bizarre that Italy could have a comedian forming a coalition government after all it’s not been that long since Berlesconi ran the country, all on his own. Plus, we in our country can’t really pass judgement as Nick Clegg is our deputy Prime Minister. I’d take a comedian every time.

On to America, where a homeless man‘s good deed in returning an engagement ring to its owner has been handsomely rewarded. So delighted by the return of the ring , the couple set up an online page so people could donate money for the homeless man. I’m not sure why it is up to people other than the couple to provide the reward but at the time of writing the figure was up to $175 000. This is what some would describe as an uplifting story, but uplifting stories are generally not that funny, so with this in mind, feel free to let me know when your good deed has gone unrewarded?

This next link I’m going to entitle, I must have been in the 6-10 slot.

This link I’m going to entitle, The women up North are a lot more friendly than those down South.

Now to prison and in particular Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce who were sentenced to 8 months inside, for swapping driving points. For me, she has to take most of the blame for them going to prison. The way I see it, if you are going to concoct such a plan you have to take it to the grave. Her revealing the swapping of the driving points was in no way motivated by a desire to tell the truth, it came from a place called revenge. Revenge for his infidelity, when they were married. What she hadn’t foreseen, is that by disclosing the plan, she was in fact implicating herself and now because of this she has time on her hands to contemplate the errors of her ways. With this in mind, when has your plan backfired, spectacularly?

And Finally… after my last blog post, I thought I’d update you on the boiler situation. You’ll all be relieved and pleased in equal measure to know the boiler is back on. Slightly embarrassingly after all the fuss (made by me) the engineer basically did the boiler equivalent of switching it off and then on again. How was I to know it would be as simple as that?

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

How to make friends and influence people

cheryl cole

Hola. Hope you are well and had a good Bank Hol weekend.

I went to support ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ who was running in a 10K race yesterday (Mon). Despite being a hot day she recorded a good time beating her previous best. One thing I did notice was the lack of wacky outfits, there was one or two but most people decided to stick to traditional running outfits, probably for the best. I also didn’t see anyone running with a fridge on their back or anyone running with bleeding testicles (that’s one for the long time readers of this blog) for newcomers click here.

Some people ran with their names on their shirts, I think this is so spectators can shout their name when offering support. A few people around me did do this, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think it’s a bit creepy to call somebody you don’t know by their name, I like to wait until I am formally introduced. I was however a little taken aback by the number of people called BUPA, I didn’t realise it was such a common name.

I’m currently on half term, woohoo! I have to admit that behind regular income, the best thing about working in schools, is the number of holidays I get (that and shaping the lives of future generations, of course). For some reason I’ve felt knackered this half-term, so tired I decided I would check how many days I had worked this half -term, the grand total was… 17. That’s seventeen, I shouldn’t be tired after working seventeen days and when I say seventeen days it’s not as if it’s seventeen consecutive days, there were weekends in between. There’s only two possible reasons for this lethargy either I’m a pussy or I have an illness that I don’t yet know about. My instincts lead me to the former.

Talking of schools, Barack Obama was in this country last week, so was I. He was also in a school in London last week, so was I, he was more specifically in a school in Southwark last week, so was I. Unfortunately this is where the similarities stop as he didn’t visit the school I was in. If I’d got to meet Barack Obama I think it would have more than made up for having to work 17 days this half-term. If I had met him I would have definitely given him one of my business cards. To be fair he is already a reader of my football blog as can be proved when he commented on my blog post a few months ago. It’s only a line but it’s still a comment (see here, scroll down to comments).

Now on to a little bit of showbiz news and it was announced last week that Cheryl Cole had been dropped as a judge on the American X Factor. At first I have to admit the news did fill me with some pleasure and then I thought about it a little more and I felt my reaction didn’t show me in a good light. Then I thought it must be quite bad for her as not only has she missed out on this great opportunity in America in quite a public way, because she’d already said she wouldn’t be doing the UK X-Factor, she was somewhat snookered. I read in a couple of newspapers that she was in talks with Simon Cowell and ITV about other projects. But ITV only have a handful of big programmes, she’s ruled herself out of one, I can’t see her in the jungle, so that only leaves one. So expect to see her walking down those famous cobbles and maybe drinking a pint in the Rovers any day soon and when she does remember where you heard it first.

And Finally…. in The Guardian last week they compiled a list of the top 100 most influential people in music. It surprisingly (to me) put as Number 1 , Adele and her team. This lead me to question what am I influential in, Comedy? No, Poetry? No, Blogs? No. Having thought about a bit more I came to the realisation that I’m not even the most influential in my flat.

Til next week, stay safe!

It wasn’t me

phil spector

Hola. Hope you are well.

Just to let you know I started this blog yday (Mon 11th) but due to time constraints and because I’m currently running this operation from my local library I never got round to finishing it.  Let’s hope it’s worth the wait.

On last week’s blog I mentioned that I was ready to resume my battle with Cheryl Cole. Then a few days later it was splashed all over the papers that Cheryl had received death threats (see here). Just in case anyone from a law enforcement agency is reading this, I just want to ensure you that I had nothing to do with this.

The tell-tale signs that it had nothing to do with me, include the fact that the message was sent from a Blackberry, which is way too modern a piece of technology for me to have. I’m currently using a mobile that has already had two previous owners. Secondly the spelling is atrocious. This doesn’t initially discount me, as my spelling is poor but if I were to send a death threat to someone, I feel I would have the courtesy to make sure I ran it past the spell checker. For those of you  who are concerned about Cheryl’s welfare, fret no more as she is alive and well. It’s almost as if this death threat was all a publicity stunt.

Something that doesn’t appear to be a publicity stunt is that Gamu does face a real threat of being deported back to Zimbabwe due to her mum’s student Visa having run out. It was reported in the Sunday Mirror that Gamu fears for her safety if she returns to Zimbabwe and she even said she may face the firing squad (see here). I don’t know how much truth is in this, but it does seem a harsh punishment for someone who’s only crime appears to have not been picked to sing in the live finals of X-Factor. However, I can’t help thinking that some producer somewhere is noting this down, so if in years to come, instead of  contestants on the X-Factor merely getting booted off the show, they get lined up and shot, we will know where the seeds for this idea came from. At least if this did happen you’d feel the tears would be for a just reason.

Anyway, onto other news. As I’m sure you were all aware it was National Poetry Day on Thurs (7th Oct). I was marked the occasion by going into a prison and travelling from wing to wing asking the inmates about home. Before I go on, I feel I should assure you I was booked to do this, it wasn’t some elaborate prank. But I can see how going into prison asking inmates what they think of home, may appear quite cruel, akin to going to a weight watchers event and asking the participants to talk about cream cakes. But in my defence, the theme of this year’s  National Poetry Day was ‘Home’, so I did have a legitimate reason for asking these questions.

The idea was for me to get all the inmates I met to write down on a strip of paper one sentence that summed up home and then they put that strip of paper in an envelope and at the end of the day I would turn their contributions into a poem. As it happened I met quite a lot of inmates and the vast majority were very co-operative, we did get the odd ‘majour pussy’ but that was always to be expected and to be fair maybe majour pussy does sum up home to him. Unfortunately I didn’t feel it was appropriate to the overall feel of the piece.

I eventually got round to piecing the poem together yesterday, that’s why I didn’t get round to completing this blog. I have to say I found the whole thing an interesting process. Initially when I saw all the strips of paper I did feel a little overwhelmed, thinking where should I start. It’s probably not surprising I felt this way as if you’ve seen me perform any of my poems you will know they are generally pretty short. One of my shortest poems consists of two female names and the word ‘whilst’.

But after my initial fears as to my ability to turn it into a poem, I got into it. I felt a little like a music producer, trying to take all the different parts and make one coherent piece. In many ways I could become the Manchester poetry equivalent of Phil Spector. If the poem gets the all clear, I may put a link of it on next week’s blog, I imagine you are all can’t wait.

And Finally… It’s my nephew’s 3rd birthday today, don’t feel you have to wish him Happy Birthday as he doesn’t read this blog (everyone’s a critic). I only mention it because I got him a card as is the way with these things, but it wasn’t as easy as you may think. He is mixed raced (person of dual heritage) and I’m sure I read somewhere that it is important to show children positive images of people similar to themselves. But the problem was, it’s not easy to find cards with mixed raced children on them, especially the card shops I frequent, so instead I got him a card with a bear driving a car. Because in no way is that going to confuse him more than a smiling white boy.

Til next week (Mon hopefully), stay safe.

Colour Blind

Sophie Amogbokpa

Hola. Hope you are well.

Just to let you know that I haven’t heard from ‘This Morning’ about paying my rent for a year. I can’t help thinking, no news is good news. This week they are giving away £30 000, so this time next week, I should have some good news (The answer to this week’s question is ABBA, should you be interested). Aswell as ‘This Morning’ not being in touch, I’ve not heard from the Queen or Duncan Bannatyne (see last week’s post) but ‘Her With One Permanent Job’  and I have found someone to rent our flat. It had more to do with the power of Gumtree than the efforts of our letting agent.

It did mean that ‘HWOPJ’ and I had to 2 days to move our things out of the flat and to do some intense cleaning before the flat inspection. Here’s a little tip, if you are cleaning with someone else and you have the choice to clean the blinds or not, DO NOT!!! Take your chances with anything else, because cleaning blinds are so time-consuming, as you have to clean each individual panel. I spent  about an hour and a half attempting to clean the blinds in the kitchen. My efforts were hindered because the grime and the steam from cooking over the years had mixed to form an almost impenetrable combination. It didn’t help that I had to clean them whilst leaning precariously over the sink.

At times I have to admit, I did lose the will to live. To gauge how long it took to clean the blinds, I did them in two stages, divided by a sit down fish and chips in a cafe. There can’t be that many things in life that have fish and chips as an interval.

When it came to the inspection, we passed with flying colours, apart from one thing. Can you guess what that was??? Yes the blinds in the kitchen. Bloody typical!!!

The only other thing to say about the move is that I had some stand up banners at the flat that belong to a writing organisation (Commonword) in Manchester City Centre. I did think about taking them back to the organisation as opposed to transporting them to my mum’s house but in the end I decided against this. Not only because of the time constraints, but when the banners are packed in their cases they look like they might be mini missile launchers. And with the Labour Party conference happening in M’cr, I didn’t want to be walking round with two suspicious unidentifiable items. It might be paranoia on my part but I didn’t want to end up tasered, because one thing that you could be sure of is that the tasers the police would fire on me, would definitely work. No faulty ones for this ‘unknown comedian’

Talking of the Labour Party conference, congratulations to Ed Miliband or Red ED as some newspapers have nicknamed him, largely you suspect because it rhymes. On ‘Question Time’ last week, an audience member asked the panel if the Tories will attack  Ed because he isn’t married to the mother of his child (and one about to drop) and because he is a Jewish Atheist. It did make me ask myself, can you be both Jewish and Atheist, aren’t they mutually exclusive terms, like clean living smackhead, a 4×4 driving ecologist or mature student. (feel free to add your own examples via the comments button).

And Finally… Those regular readers to this blog (HWOPJ, Simon et al) will know that in the past I’ve taken many opportunities to slag off Cheryl Cole. Well the battle resumes. Anyone who watched y’day’s  X-Factor will know what I’m talking about. Basically Cheryl put through two performers to the Live shows despite them breaking down and being unable to complete their songs during their audition pieces. This meant that more accomplished performers didn’t go through, including one of the favourites a girl named Gamu. There’s been a lot of speculation as to why Cheryl did this, but I think  Cheryl’s decision had nothing to do with ability but maybe Gamu reminded Cheryl of the toilet attendant she assaulted a few years ago (see pic at the top of the blog) . Who knows???

Til next week, stay safe!

I couldn’t make this up

paul

Hola, I hope you are all well.

Congratulations if you are Spanish and commiserations if you are Dutch. I’m not sure if  this blog has Dutch or Spanish readers. I don’t think my celebrity has reached mainline Europe. If you are Spanish or Dutch feel free to let me know (you can contact me via the comments button). It would be good if I had readers from exotic places, as one of my aims is to replicate my success in this country, Internationally. 

If you have no idea why I’m congratulating the Spanish, then shame on you, where have you been for the last month. In fact how come you have found your way onto this obscure blog and yet you don’t know the winners of the World Cup.

I must also congratulate Paul. You may ask yourself who is Paul? Paul has been one of the most talked about things at this World Cup. He’s not a player and neither is he an official. He is the octopus that correctly predicted the winner in all the Germany games as well as the winner of the final. If you’ve missed the story, you are probably reading this questioning my sanity, but it is true, see here. Paul the Octopus has such fame these days that he has a spokesperson and a Facebook page, which let’s face it, is more than I have. You know you’re struggling career wise, when not only do you see younger people progressing quicker than you but also a bloody sea creature.

Talking of football and Pauls, I’d like to talk about Paul Gascoigne, as I’m a little concerned about him. Last week he claimed he was a friend of Raoul Moat (the gunman in Rothbury). I also read that he used to take phone calls from the Pope, not the current Pope (the former Hitler Youth) the previous one, John Paul II and that Cheryl Cole/Tweedy used to fancy him, see here. Out of the 3 things mentioned I’m struggling to workout which is the most believable (maybe you can put them in an order of believability).

The story did make me think, if you had to choose to be one of the Geordie Icons, Gazza or Cheryl, which one would you choose. On the one hand Gazza had a remarkable career and is seen as one of the most naturally gifted footballers England has ever produced, but he’s also a little bit bonkers to put it politely. Whereas Cheryl despite not being the best singer or dancer has managed to become a massive star, loved by large numbers. But if you do choose Cheryl it would mean that you’d have had to have slept with Ashley Cole. So who would you choose to be???

And Finally …. My favourite showbiz story of the week, is the fact that the rapper Snoop Dogg has said he would like to be in Coronation Street (see here) Now that is something I would love to see. Can you imagine Snoop in the Rovers, maybe supping a pint of Mild and asking Betty if he could sample her delicious hot-pot? If the producers of Corrie are reading this, sign him up!

                                                   Til next week, Stay Safe!

(original post 12/7/10)