Jobs for the boy.

My one year boy has just started taking his first tentative steps. He is however good at kicking a ball whilst holding my hand. With this in mind I was wondering what’s the earliest age Premier League clubs offer parents a ‘financial inducement’ to join their academy. The sooner the better from my perspective.

If not a Premier League footballer, I’m thinking a forensics officer as he has an inbuilt ability to find the smallest of bits. There would be some danger that the evidence would end up in his mouth but I suppose that’s the risk of employing toddlers.

@unknowncomic

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Rioting workshops

When I used to do poetry workshops in prisons before and after 2010 there were definitely less riots and general violence in prisons.

Some people might say this is because the government have cut the number of prison officers. Others may point to the fact experienced officers have been replaced with young and inexperienced officers, who are unable to deal as effectively with such circumstances. Some may say that the above reasons has meant that prisoners are being locked up for upto 23 hours a day leading to justified resentment. Others may say we send too many people to prison in the first place.

I on the other hand am saying the increase in prison violence is down to my lack of poetry workshops. So confident of my abilities that during the next prison riots I want the governor to ring me and I will guarantee to calm the situation within 2 hours with a mix of word association games and a few clever rhymes. I await the call.

@anunknowncomic

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One higher than mute.

I managed to work out (I read the instructions) how to turn off the flashing lights and transmission  noise on the baby monitor.

It was quite reassuring having the noise, just so we knew it was working but at night it impacted on my sleep. Now I can have uninterrupted sleep, unless the baby wakes, I need the toilet, or as is happening I wake anyway as my sleep pattern is all over the place.

Talking of baby monitors, you can set the volume at 1. Who sets their baby monitor at 1? Surely it’s either set high or in the middle, not one higher than mute. Should you set it at 1 feel free to contact me via the comments button or @anunknowncomic

Listen to my comedy prongcast. Thanks.

A progressive alliance

A minority government sounds like it should be really progressive. A government that includes black people, asian people and people from other ethnic groupings, people with disabilities and people who identify as LGBTQI.

Instead it’s what happens when the Conservatives do a bit rubbish at an election.

@anunknowncomic

Have a listen to my comedy prongcast. Cheers

Should you wake a sleeping baby?

The week before the events in the previous blog post, this happened.

The baby was coughing in his sleep so I woke him to give him some medicine. Did he a) go straight back to sleep or b) was he still awake more than an hour later? Answers on a postcard to it’s always answer b with these kind of questions.

@anunknowncomic

Should you have any spare time, check out my comedy podcasts. Cheers.

 

 

Call me Miss Marple

Call me Miss Marple. The reason I say this because I managed to reunite a man with the keys I found in a nearby street.

How did you do that I hear you ask?

The first thing I noticed about the keys was they had the same key ring as my own. Therefore I assumed it must belong to someone in the same building. I was able to confirm this when the fob opened the external door.

Although this got me a little closer to cracking the case, I still had a little way to go.

Some of you may have spotted that I’m using the plural ‘keys’. There was in fact two keys on the key ring, the door key and the key to the mailbox. A little bit like in Cinderella and the shoe, all I had to do was match the key with the mailbox and I would have the flat number the keys belonged to.

Three minutes of key turning later I had my owner and was able to return them. I have to be honest and say the owner seemed somewhat underwhelmed by my detective work even after I explained my process. His underwhelmness may have been due to him having  just woken up, unless he usually answers the door in a state of undress.

For my next case I will be looking into the links between the Trump administration and Russia.

@anunknowncomic

Should you have spare time, check out my comedy prongcasts. Thanks