My one year boy has just started taking his first tentative steps. He is however good at kicking a ball whilst holding my hand. With this in mind I was wondering what’s the earliest age Premier League clubs offer parents a ‘financial inducement’ to join their academy. The sooner the better from my perspective.
If not a Premier League footballer, I’m thinking a forensics officer as he has an inbuilt ability to find the smallest of bits. There would be some danger that the evidence would end up in his mouth but I suppose that’s the risk of employing toddlers.
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I managed to work out (I read the instructions) how to turn off the flashing lights and transmission noise on the baby monitor.
It was quite reassuring having the noise, just so we knew it was working but at night it impacted on my sleep. Now I can have uninterrupted sleep, unless the baby wakes, I need the toilet, or as is happening I wake anyway as my sleep pattern is all over the place.
Talking of baby monitors, you can set the volume at 1. Who sets their baby monitor at 1? Surely it’s either set high or in the middle, not one higher than mute. Should you set it at 1 feel free to contact me via the comments button or @anunknowncomic
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A minority government sounds like it should be really progressive. A government that includes black people, asian people and people from other ethnic groupings, people with disabilities and people who identify as LGBTQI.
Instead it’s what happens when the Conservatives do a bit rubbish at an election.
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Two people I know from the Manchester comedy and poetry scene, Daliso Chaponda and Tony Walsh (Longfella Poet) have in recent weeks received TV exposure, making them known to people nationally and internationally.
Daliso was on Britain’s Got Talent, finishing third overall. Whilst Tony’s reading of his poem ‘Choose Love’ at the vigil for the Manchester bomb victims was broadcast live and has subsequently been transmitted across the world.
Both performers are talented having spent years working in pubs and clubs honing their skills but without the magnifying force of TV, when would they get the opportunity to showcase their work to such a sizeable audience?
Does this mean that despite the popularity and potential reach of social media, the only way poets/comedians can ‘make it’, is still via TV?
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The week before the events in the previous blog post, this happened.
The baby was coughing in his sleep so I woke him to give him some medicine. Did he a) go straight back to sleep or b) was he still awake more than an hour later? Answers on a postcard to it’s always answer b with these kind of questions.
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Call me Miss Marple. The reason I say this because I managed to reunite a man with the keys I found in a nearby street.
How did you do that I hear you ask?
The first thing I noticed about the keys was they had the same key ring as my own. Therefore I assumed it must belong to someone in the same building. I was able to confirm this when the fob opened the external door.
Although this got me a little closer to cracking the case, I still had a little way to go.
Some of you may have spotted that I’m using the plural ‘keys’. There was in fact two keys on the key ring, the door key and the key to the mailbox. A little bit like in Cinderella and the shoe, all I had to do was match the key with the mailbox and I would have the flat number the keys belonged to.
Three minutes of key turning later I had my owner and was able to return them. I have to be honest and say the owner seemed somewhat underwhelmed by my detective work even after I explained my process. His underwhelmness may have been due to him having just woken up, unless he usually answers the door in a state of undress.
For my next case I will be looking into the links between the Trump administration and Russia.
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I’m not one to talk about my bedroom activities, that is until now.
Since the arrival of a baby in our flat, sleep has been the number one topic trending.
Early on me and the other half decided we would split night-time duties, thinking it best we both get some sleep, rather than both of us being permanently knackered.
In practical terms, this has meant sleeping in separate rooms and handing the baby over in the middle of the night. Initially the baby swap included me taking the cot from one bedroom to the other (not with the baby in it). The system may have seemed a little cumbersome but it worked for us.
Our system came under further scrutiny at Christmas, when we went back to our parents. Fortunately they both live on the same street. This still meant that instead of carrying the baby from one room to the other, I had to transport the baby from one house to the next, with the street doubling for the corridor.
This meant that from any point between 2am -3:30am a neighbour struggling for sleep would have seen me wheeling a baby up the street, every night for a week.
These days the baby is sleeping a lot better, sleeping through to 5am most nights. A wake up call a little earlier than I would ideally like but it’s better than the disrupted nights sleep we were previously experiencing. Due to these early starts we’ve decided that we will take it in turns to sleep in the same room as the baby.
One day in the future me and the other half may even share the same bed. Having said that and whisper it, I reckon I sleep better on my own.
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