Co-written by Boris Johnson

After Boris Johnson failed to appear on the Channel 4 leaders’ debate on the climate, some say the biggest issue facing the planet, I wondered what Boris Johnson would care enough about to bother himself to turn up. Thankfully Boris Johnson was able to help me, by providing many of the words.

Boris Johnson doesn’t care about the climate.
He doesn’t care about “piccanninies with watermelon smiles”.
He doesn’t care about “bum boys in tank-tops”.
He doesn’t care about Muslim women looking like “letterboxes” or “bank robbers”.

Boris Johnson doesn’t care for the truth.
He doesn’t care about misleading the Queen,
or unlawfully proroguing Parliament.
He doesn’t care about Brexit (2 articles written)
He doesn’t care about businesses (“fcuk business)

Boris Johnson doesn’t care about Hillsborough.
He doesn’t care about the “drunk, criminal, feckless” working classes,
or the “irresponsible” single mums.
He doesn’t care about Nazanin,
He doesn’t care about the NHS.

Boris Johnson doesn’t care about how many children he’s fathered.
He doesn’t care about spilling wine on the sofa.
He doesn’t care about me
and he doesn’t care about you.

Boris Johnson only cares for Boris Johnson.

@anunknowncomic

 

 

Losing my rag & losing my bag

The other week I managed to lose my bag with an unusually high percentage of my writing in it.
Find out more from 16mins 30. I’m trying to be positive and see it as an opportunity to do other things. However I may just be masking the pain of overseeing another chapter of failure. Of course if it were an actual chapter it would no doubt have been in the bag.

@anunknowncomic

Where do you write?

David Cameron didn’t write his memoir in his £25 000 shed as was previously thought, instead he wrote it in his mansion. (that must have been nice)

I also read that Maya Angelou would book a hotel room and each morning leave her home and write at the hotel.

Assuming you’re a writer and you don’t have a mansion, or can’t afford to book hotel rooms on a daily basis, where do you write? Feel free to let me know via the comments button or @anunknowncomic Thanks.

Should you have 32 mins spare, check out my comedy prongcast. Cheers.

Screen time to bedtime.

In an attempt to get better quality sleep (I can get to sleep quite easily but I wake a few hours later) I’ve decided to increase the time between using a screen (computer/phone) and me going to bed.

One problem with this is the only time I have to do my own thing is after my boy goes to bed and I go to bed, a time that is getting shorter & shorter. It’s also a time that is also filled with eating dinner, loading the dishwasher and making lunch/ironing clothes for work.

Having said that, the work I currently do in this time has never led to anything so maybe it won’t be too much of a sacrifice.

Feel free to let me know the amount of time you leave between last using a screen and going to bed. Cheers.

@anunknowncomic

Check out my comedy prongcast. Thanks

Bursting the poetry bubble

Apparently we’re currently experiencing a resurgence in poetry. This by my reckoning/The Guardian is the second such resurgence in just under 10 years. Naturally I have not been involved in either resurgence but should I ever return to world of spoken word, it’s safe to say that it will be the beginning of the end for poetry. And I don’t want to worry anyone riding the gravy train that is poetry but over the last couple of years I’ve built up a mini collection of new poems…. Watch this space!!

@anunknowncomic

If you like your comedy unscripted, check out my prongcast. Cheers.

Thanks Facebook!

Thanks largely to Facebook I’ve had the recent realisation that all my creative peers have now passed me. They are either getting represented by management, doing one person shows, bringing out books, performing abroad, appearing on Radio 4 and meeting their heroes.

Perhaps the only one of my contemporaries that hasn’t overtaken me is probably Prong2 and that might only because he does a #prongcast with me.

Talking of which why don’t you add to our 20-30 listeners. Click here. Cheers

@anunknowncomic

Pop Poetry

My management team have told me I should start writing poetry again. They’ve assured me there’s money in it and my brand of pop poetry (easily accessible) will go down well. So I went off to a writing retreat (my bedroom) to come up with the future of poetry. The only problem was that for some reason that I’ve yet to workout why the  subjects I was coming up with were, losing in life, being skint and getting old.

I’m not sure how my management team will view them.

@anunknowncomic

Have a listen to my comedy prongcasts. Cheers