Home the heroes?

Hola. Hope you are well.

I struggle a bit with factual books but occasionally I dip into one. The other week I read some of Hope and Glory by Stuart Maconie.

There’s a section in the book where he writes about the Battle of the Somme, where more than 19 000 British Soldiers died on the first day alone. One soldier who survived the Somme was William Towers, but in so doing, lost a leg. On his return to England, he recalls how a man in the street looked him up and down and said, “I suppose you’ll be living off other people’s generosity for the rest of your life”.

A few pages later, Maconie references how immediately after the end of the First World War, the ‘wounded and damaged men’ were having trouble surviving financially and without jobs and with no welfare system, many ex soldiers were forced to beg on the street.

In 2013, it was revealed that 9000 ex soldiers were homeless (they also made up 10% of the prison population). In 2014 Evgeny Lebedev, owner of The Independent and London Evening Standard, set up a charity Homeless Veterans to help those ex serviceman that have fallen on hard times.

Whatever you think of war and military intervention, (it should be the very last option) does it not seem odd that we are relying on charity to help people who have fought in the name of this country? You might think the government would have some provisions in place to help them.

Apparently not because in Nov 2014 David Cameron, gave his backing to the charity. Unless I’m mistaken he’s the Prime Minister, is he not in a position to do more than merely backing a charity. After all some of these ex service people will have gone into conflict on his say so.

Til next time, be nice to each other.

@anunknowncomic

If you have time, have a listen to my comedy podcast. Cheers

Do you work in the same industry as your partner?

Hola. Hope you are well.

On the last blog post I spoke about how I went to see Isy Suttie. Also at the gig and trying out some new material was Isy’s boyfriend, who is also a comedian.

I’m not sure I’d like it if ‘Her With One Part-time job’ was also a comedian because even if we didn’t set out to compare careers, it would be inevitable.

With ‘HWOPJ’ being more focussed than me when it comes to career/job stuff, I’m sure if she were a comedian she’d be writing a BBC sitcom, whilst I’d be doing… I’d be doing this.

Feel free to let me know if you work (have worked) in the same industry as your partner and how that is working out. You can contact me via the comments button or on Twitter @anunknowncomic

Cheers

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Prongcasts

A reflection on London living

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’m not saying our flat is small but Her With One Part-time Job recently received as a birthday present a stand up mirror. As there was no obvious place to put it, talk (not by me) turned to re-arranging the whole bedroom. Call me old-fashioned but surely one slimline piece of furniture shouldn’t cause so much disruption.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Prongcasts

What does the ‘P’ stand for?

Hola. Hope you are well.

I have a dilemma, not a proper dilemma but a dilemma all the same. ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ is no more. Don’t worry I’ve not traded her in for a younger model, that’s happens when the fame comes. Naturally I’m only joking.

Originally ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ was known as ‘Her With Four Jobs’, that’s when she had 4 jobs, then she got a permanent job, hence her being known as ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ (HWOPJ) for the last couple of years.

Her status at work has recently changed as she has returned to the world of academia, so has gone part-time at work. This is where I have the problem, because the world now knows her as ‘HWOPJ’ and I’m loathe to change this acronym. I’m now thinking the ‘P’ should remain and stand for part-time.

I maybe over thinking things, but my success has been built on taking care of the fine details.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts, should I stick with HWOPJ, or go with something new? You can contact me via the comments button.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Prongcasts

Good bank Bad bank

Hola. Hope you are well.

On my last blog post I mentioned the walking trip me and my friends had been on. Well that was in the day, in the evening of the same day I went to a the wedding reception of one of ‘Her With One Permanent Job’. I know, I do have a lot of energy for a man in his mid to late thirties. Fuelled by this energy and maybe some drinks, I even managed to bust some shapes on the dance floor. All a bit of fun I thought. That was until at the end of the night, one of ‘HWOPJ’s relatives (one the fam they don’t see much) said to her, “How have you ended up with an African with no rhythm?” Maybe it’s my sensibilities but what I most object from that statement is that I’m not a good dancer. I’ve won a dancing competition, don’t you know?

Talking of weddings I mentioned in passing to ‘HWOPJ’ that Jeremy Forrest wants to marry the school girl he abducted and ran off to France with once he gets out of prison. Her response was, “Even they’re getting married”. So in this whole story, it turns out I’m the bad guy. Typical!

In financial news, there are plans to split RBS into a good bank and a bad bank. I know which one I’d be more likely to put my money into.

And Finally… the new fad diet is the 5:2 diet. It’s when in a week, you eat normally for 5 days and then have 2 days when you starve yourself (I am paraphrasing). This did make me think, could this be adapted to other parts of our lives and then I thought work. So from now on I’m going to work 5 days and then have 2 days off. I wonder if it will catch on.

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Prongcasts

Why I’m confused by breasts

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’ve been thinking about breasts these last few days. When I say breasts, I mean women’s breasts.

I started thinking of breasts on Sunday, when I saw a tweet from a The Sun newspaper saying Bruce Grobbelaar’s daughter was stripping, via a webcam for a £3 per min site.  For those who don’t know, Bruce Grobbelaar was a former Liverpool goalkeeper.

Purely for research purposes I clicked on the link, and there was the story. The paper described her as a ‘seedy webcam model’. This did strike me as a somewhat hypocritical as The Sun is one of two newspapers that continue to have Page 3 models. The other being the Daily Star, but that doesn’t count as it’s not a proper newspaper.

Then on Sunday, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ and I watched Graham Norton, where the music was provided by Robin Thicke. His song Blurred Lines is currently at No 1 in the charts, partly because it’s a catchy tune, but also on the back of its video, which has received a lot of hype mainly because it features a conveyor belt of attractive, young women, topless.

Purely for research, I checked out the video on the internet, this time being monitored by ‘HWOPJ’ who was in control of the mouse. Once she felt we had seen enough, she turned it off. We saw enough to realise it was essentially Robin Thicke and a conveyor belt of attractive, young women, topless.

This video has had gazillions of hits in no time and appears to be seen as some kind of genius marketing plan. I would argue that if you put out a video featuring attractive young women, semi naked, people will click on it. That and cats doing funny things. If you put out a video of an attractive young semi naked woman, with a cat doing something funny, I think it would break the internet.

So all this has left me a little confused. If I have this correct, women baring breasts in a million pound pop music video is acceptable but a woman doing it on a webcam is not. Especially if it is the daughter of a former professional footballer.

Ps. Feel free to let me know if  your partner determines how long is acceptable for you to view breasts?

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Prongcasts

A hotbed of literature

Hola. Hope you are well.

On my last blog post, I mentioned how whilst travelling back to Manchester on Megabus I was reading Chris Evans’ autobiography, ‘It’s not what you think’. On the same journey ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ was reading, ‘the Second Sex’ by Simone de Beauvoir a 800 page beast of feminism. It’s safe to say they’re quite different books, so with this in mind, what are you reading and what is your partner reading? Feel free to let me know via the comments button.  Who knew that Megabus was such a hotbed of literature.

Four minutes after getting off the aforementioned Megabus in Manchester, I bumped into someone I knew. This wouldn’t have happened in London, where sometimes the people you’ve agreed to meet up with don’t turn up, nevermind bumping into them.

A few blog posts ago, I posed the question, do you have a plug socket under a sink? Whilst in Manchester, where I was staying with my mum, I discovered she not only has no plug socket under her kitchen sink, she currently has no kitchen sink. Feel free to let me know if you don’t have a kitchen sink.

On Saturday evening, we invited Prong 2 and 2 of his housemates to our flat, for what can be described as a dinner party. I must confess that this may not have been my idea nor can I take the praise for the food that was served, although I was in charge of the music. I feel I took enough of a back seat that I can say the evening was a success, apart from one thing. As we only have 4 chairs and there was 5 of us present, we had to improvise, chair wise. This meant (one person) me having to sit on a mini step-ladder, which was not a suitable substitute. So with this in mind, what have used instead of a chair?

And Finally… For those interested I’m currently reading, ‘The Collector’ by John Fowles. (I’m only halfway through so don’t tell me how it ends! Cheers)

Til next time, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Prongcasts

Advantage me

Hola. Hope you are well.

Those of you who have been reading these blog posts recently will know that I’ve had troubles with ‘The Bell Jar’, well you’ll be glad to know these troubles are finally over. I managed to locate a copy of the book in a library near work, read the 8 pages missing  from my copy (‘Her With One Permanent’s copy to be precise). I then flicked through the rest of the book to see if all the pages were there (the trust has gone), it was a good job I did as there were further pages missing towards the end of the book. As I’m not a member of this library, I had to photocopy these pages to read at a later date. Does this kind of thing happen with Kindles?

Last week in an English lesson the pupils were doing an exercise where they had to write down 3-5 people who inspire them. Some went for Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama, various pop stars, family members and one boy went for little old me. He said, not only am I a comedian, who does comedy poems, I also help in school. So I’m officially an inspirer, in many ways I’m this country’s Barack Obama and Nelson Mandela rolled into one.

Yesterday, ‘HWOPJ’ and I went Christmas shopping. During the trip it struck me that at this time of year most men are dragged around  shopping centres by their missus but surely there must be exceptions to this rule. So if there is a man reading this who is in a long-term relationship,with a woman and has never had to do the Christmas shop, contact me and tell us all your secret. You can contact me via the comments button.

In other news, I’m thinking of buying an electrical toothbrush. I’ve never had one before and I’m quite excited, probably more excited than I should be. One reason for my excitement is that I’m going to buy the toothbrush with my Boots advantage points I’ve amassed. I currently have £26:06, feel free to let me know if you have more money on a loyalty card, and also feel free to give me any advice on electric toothbrushes.

And Finally… as next week will be Christmas Eve I won’t be blogging, so this will be my last blog post of the year. So in addition to thanking everyone for reading this blog throughout the year and wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I’ve also written an Acrostic Christmas poem for you (see below).

Til next year, have a safe festive period!

@anunknowncomic

I Haven’t Got a Title Yet but forgive me as I inspire the Next Generation!

C arol singers and credit cards

H ope and hangovers

R udolph and long lost relatives

I nn keepers and ‘iccle baby Jesus

S nowballs, sledges and sprouts

T urkey, tinsel and tension

M istletoe and mince pies

A dvent calendars and crackers

S atsumas in stockings, delivered by Santa.

This is your life

Hola. Hope you are well.

I was in Manchester over the weekend hosting a show, before you get too excited, I wasn’t hosting the X Factor final, nor the Xtra Factor(or any spin-off of the X Factor). I was in fact hosting ‘This Is Your Life’, or a loose version of said prog as part of the entertainment for an 80th birthday party, (I’m available for weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs). It wasn’t just any 80th birthday party it was ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ granddad’s party.

I’d even done some research for my role. I say research, I looked on Wikipedia and found out things that happened in the year he was born, the most popular boy’s name in that year compared to today. I also looked up famous people who share the same birthday as him, only to find out his birthday wasn’t the day of the party but was actually the next day,whoops. Overall the section went well, and should anyone from ITV be reading this and be thinking of re-commissioning ‘This Is Your Life’ bare me in mind.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that ‘HWOPJ’ was in Kenya with work, she’s back now and there’s already talk of another jolly (I mean work trip) this time to the USA. In my job as a TA, I ended up annoying a teacher by photocopying. Apparently she couldn’t concentrate on her marking whilst the photocopier was photocopying. I don’t feel this was my fault, I didn’t make the photocopier, nor did I put it in that department’s office. I can’t help thinking ‘HWOPJ’s’ job is more exciting than mine. (feel free to let me know if your partner’s job is more exciting than yours, you can contact me via the comments button)

And Finally… Other than annoying teachers I had an embarrassing moment at school. As I was leaving a lesson, the teacher asked me if the Biology exam paper on the floor was mine. I said “No” but then had a look at it and written on the front was Mark Scheme, so I said “It’s Mark Scheme’s” but pronounced it ‘Mark Scheem’. The teacher then said, “No it’s Mark Scheme”. So I said, “Do you know him?”. She then said, “No it’s the mark scheme”. Only then did the penny drop, that it was just the mark scheme and not a person called Mark Scheme. Feel free to contact me if you are call Mark Scheme, it would make me feel a little less stupid, if it is someone’s name.

Til next week, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic

Who said romance was dead?

Hola. Hope you are well.

On last week’s blog, I mentioned how I’d been in Norwich doing a gig. Well, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ has trumped me, as her work has taken her to Kenya. I sometimes wonder how our work lives are so different. However, a couple of weeks ago, I had an insight as to why this might be the case because after work one evening, she spent a couple of hours on the computer doing sensible things that might advance her career. After this she asked me, “If I needed the computer”, I did because whilst she was doing her work, I’d decided it would be a good idea for me to tweet Rod Stewart, about him crying at the end of a Celtic match. That’s why my day job takes me to a school in South West London, her job takes her to East Africa. Let that be a lesson to us all.

Also on last week’s blog, I mentioned how I cleaned ‘HWOPJ’s’ muddy boots and she said it was “the most romantic thing I’ve done”. This week before she went to Africa, I promised not to watch Peep Show, so we can watch it online together when she comes back. I think I am perfecting these small gestures, I’m not so good with the big ones, but small I’m mastering. Feel free to let me know the small thing you do for your other half, the smaller the better. (you can contact me via the comments button).

A few years ago on a weekend trip, I visited the graveside of Sylvia Plath, with ‘HWOPJ’ as it happens, (you’re probably thinking is there no end to his romantic nature) about year ago I went to an art exhibition celebrating Sylvia’s art work. From this you might think I’m a massive fan of her work, yet I’ve never read any of her poems and I’d never read her most famous work ‘The Bell Jar’ until last week when I started it.

On to some 3 Prong Attack news, here are 3 videos we made a couple of weeks ago. In true 3 Prong tradition we were forced to do the takes in between the drilling from my neighbour downstairs and in true 3 Prong tradition they are our take on the Jimmy Savile saga, just as everyone’s stopped talking about it. Anyway here are the results.

The biggest shock about the whole thing (42 secs)

It’s just a shame no one knew  (1min 6secs)

What does the ‘N’ stand for?

And Finally… I don’t normally do football on this blog, as I have a football blog for that kind of thing, but last week the Chelsea manager Roberto Di Matteo got sacked at 4 in the morning (if you believe the papers) so with that in mind, what’s the earliest in the day you’ve been sacked?

Til next week, stay safe!

@anunknowncomic