My friends in the north

Wills and Kate

Hola. Hope you are well.

It’s been a week of wrapping things up before my move to London. I played my last 5-a-side game, I did my last radio show and had some drinks with my friends. I felt a bit like Jack Duckworth before his passing in Coronation Street. I think the only difference between me and Jack Duckworth is that Jack was going to a better place.

Talking of lasts, at the end of the radio show some listeners texted in wishing me luck, which was really sweet. I say they were wishing me luck, I think they were also using it as an opportunity to have a bit of a go at our southern friends. (You can listen to the comments here 2hrs 54mins)

On Sat I had some drinks with some of my friends. I was explaining to one of my football mates (Pete) that I didn’t see this as proper leaving do, cos I’m not really leaving as my mum lives in Manchester and I am planning to make regular trips back. He replied by saying, “I don’t see it as a leaving do, as I don’t see it working out in London”. I have to admit that genuinely made me laugh, I think it’s the fact that you rarely hear that level of honesty from people. To be fair, it’s nothing that I haven’t thought myself. Let’s face it I’m an unknown comedian in Manchester, so I’m only going to be more of an unknown comedian in London. A place my friend (Adam) described as being, “the most expensive city on the planet”.

But who knows what will happen, there must be some opportunities out there, for example, there’s a vacancy on The One Show couch, since Jason Manford‘s departure. So if any producers of The One Show are reading this, please note I am a northern comedian, like Jason, I’m cheaper and more importantly I haven’t got a Twitter account. But what I will have very soon will be nice white teeth.

Talking of which, I only had two cups of tea last week but not only that I discovered, thanks to the internet, that Bicarbonate of Soda is good for cleaning your teeth. And because I am a sucker for this kind of thing, I went out and bought a tub, and what’s even better it only cost 60p. It certainly beats going to America for specialist treatment, in your face Simon Cowell.

And Finally….. you may have seen this news, but if not Prince William is to marry Kate (Katherine) Middleton, next year. To mark the occasion he gave Kate his mum’s engagement ring, which I think is a little weird. Not because it’s his mum’s ring but because it wasn’t as if Princess Diana had such a happy marriage. (Let me know if this scenario has happened to you, have you passed on your engagement/wedding ring to your next partner or have you received someone else’s ring).

One thing that has been mentioned , is whether we will get a day off work for the wedding. The way the country is heading and the state of the job market, by next year I think people will be having more days off from work than they are planning.

Til next week, stay safe! 

My mate Barack

Carol Bone

Hola. Hope you are well.

I start with some exciting news. I’ve been contacted by the President of the United States of America, Mr Barack Obama. When I say contacted, it wasn’t directly but he did comment on my football blog, (click here and scroll down to comments section). I have to be honest, I’m not 100% sure it was actually sent by Barack but by the time I keep telling and re-telling this story and hyperbole meets exaggeration, it won’t be long before people are asking, “Aren’t you good friends with Barack Obama?”

Talking of my mate Barack, it was a bad week for him and the Democrats in the mid-term elections. They lost control of the House of Representatives to the Republicans, it would appear Americans have very short memories. The US do seem to have an odd system, where you get elected for four years and then 2 years in, you have another mini election that changes how you can govern. It’s like leasing a house for 2 years with your other-half and then a year in the landlord moves another couple in, without your say so. That could be a little awkward, or a whole heap of fun depending on how open you all are.

I was reading the Metro newspaper on the bus the other day and saw an article about Carol Bone (See here). Carol is a 62-year-old woman who according to the report has slept with 200 men in the last 2 years, even though she has a bad back and suffers from arthritis. Apparently her favourite age group are those men in their 30s and 40s. I have a few things to say about this story. Firstly, her surname is Bone, can that merely be a coincidence? Secondly, I’m not surprised she has a sore  back, I’d be more surprised if that’s the only part of her body that’s sore. And finally, I’m in my 30s, am I supposed to be having sex with this woman? I sincerely hope not (no disrespect Carol).

Now onto fellow Manchester comedian Jason Manford and according to reports he had been exchanging flirty tweets (private messages) with a fan Debra McNamee. Apparently he asked her to send nude pics of herself, so in the end she did, as you do. In the article I read, she said she was surprised a famous person had got in touch with her. That might be true but you don’t have to send them nude pics, just cos they ask. I can’t imagine how famous a person would have to be, for me to send them a pic of my c*ck. Maybe Paul McCartney, he is a Beatle afterall. Feel free to let me know which famous person you’d be prepared to send a nude pic to.

And Finally… I mentioned last week that I am cutting down on how many cups of tea I have. Well last week I only had 2 cups of tea, which I think is quite impressive. Despite this my teeth don’t seem any whiter. Anyway that’s enough of my exciting life. I’m off now to see if Paul McCartney’s on Twitter.

Til next week, stay safe!