Jobs for the boy.

My one year boy has just started taking his first tentative steps. He is however good at kicking a ball whilst holding my hand. With this in mind I was wondering what’s the earliest age Premier League clubs offer parents a ‘financial inducement’ to join their academy. The sooner the better from my perspective.

If not a Premier League footballer, I’m thinking a forensics officer as he has an inbuilt ability to find the smallest of bits. There would be some danger that the evidence would end up in his mouth but I suppose that’s the risk of employing toddlers.


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One higher than mute.

I managed to work out (I read the instructions) how to turn off the flashing lights and transmission  noise on the baby monitor.

It was quite reassuring having the noise, just so we knew it was working but at night it impacted on my sleep. Now I can have uninterrupted sleep, unless the baby wakes, I need the toilet, or as is happening I wake anyway as my sleep pattern is all over the place.

Talking of baby monitors, you can set the volume at 1. Who sets their baby monitor at 1? Surely it’s either set high or in the middle, not one higher than mute. Should you set it at 1 feel free to contact me via the comments button or @anunknowncomic

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Should you wake a sleeping baby?

The week before the events in the previous blog post, this happened.

The baby was coughing in his sleep so I woke him to give him some medicine. Did he a) go straight back to sleep or b) was he still awake more than an hour later? Answers on a postcard to it’s always answer b with these kind of questions.


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Other pharmaceutical companies are available.

The baby’s sleep has not been at its best in the last few weeks. Initially we thought it was because he had a cold but the poor sleep seems to have continued long after the cold disappeared.

On the back of this the other half ordered a blackout blind from a well known pharmaceutical outfit (Boots). The blind was supposed to be ready for collection on Saturday. After being out all day, I had to run to said shop before it closed at 5:30, only to find the blind had not been delivered. I was however, assured it would be there on Monday.

On Monday the other half went to pick it up and it still wasn’t there. No one seemed to know where it was. In many ways it was the blind leading the blind.

Ps. We now have the blind, yet the sleep has yet to improve.


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Bed hopping

I’m not¬† one to talk about my bedroom activities, that is until now.
Since the arrival of a baby in our flat, sleep has been the number one topic trending.

Early on me and the other half decided we would split night-time duties, thinking it best we both get some sleep, rather than both of us being permanently knackered.

In practical terms, this has meant sleeping in separate rooms and handing the baby over in the middle of the night. Initially the baby swap included me taking the cot from one bedroom to the other (not with the baby in it). The system may have seemed a little cumbersome but it worked for us.

Our system came under further scrutiny at Christmas, when we went back to our parents. Fortunately they both live on the same street. This still meant that instead of carrying the baby from one room to the other, I had to transport the baby from one house to the next, with the street doubling  for the corridor.

This meant that from any point between 2am -3:30am a neighbour struggling for sleep would have seen me wheeling a baby up the street, every night for a week.

These days the baby is sleeping a lot better, sleeping through to 5am most nights. A wake up call a little earlier than I would ideally like but it’s better than the disrupted nights sleep we were previously experiencing. Due to these early starts we’ve decided that we will take it in turns to sleep in the same room as the baby.

One day in the future me and the other half may even share the same bed. Having said that and whisper it, I reckon I sleep better on my own.


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Mother’s Day, dads pay.

My 8 month old ‘organised’ a lunch for his mum on Mother’s Day, but who should’ve paid for this, me (dad) or him?

Before you say me, consider these points:

i) The baby’s mum is not my mum.
ii) Financially he has done very well from existing.
iii) I’d already bought his present (flowers) for his mum.
iv) I have to get my mum a present, so paying for lunch would double my outlay.

Of course we could have got the mum to go halves with either me or the boy (or thirds with the both of us) but this may have gone against the spirit of Mother’s Day.

Who knew parenting would pose so many questions?


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The Bowling Annie

Hola. Hope you are well.

Over Christmas, the other half and I, took her young cousins to the cinema and it wasn’t the most successful of excursions.

Despite me not having seen Night of the Museum or Night at the Museum 2, the plan was to see Night of the Museum 3 but when we got to the ticket office they only had 5 tickets left. That wasn’t a problem as there was only 4 of us, unfortunately none of the seats were together. This meant we had a problem as even we knew you can’t randomly place young children around a cinema.

Whilst we were contemplating our next move, the children were off getting ice cream for the film. Without our presence they came back with a massive tub each. Out of curiosity, I asked them if they normally have ice-cream when they go to the cinema, they said “No”! They’d obviously sussed we were amateurs.

We still had the problem of seeing a film. The next child friendly film Annie, was on at 4:30 and it was only 2:45, which to me seemed a long time to amuse a 10 & 8 year old.

We decided the best thing to do was abandon the film idea and go next door and go bowling instead. As we hadn’t booked, the next available lane was 4:45. So Annie it was.

We still had the best part of 1h 45 to waste. This ended up getting filled by arcade games and a couple of plates of chips and nachos (not to mention the popcorn we gave them during the film).

All in all, I don’t think we passed the parenting test.

Til next time, be nice to each other.


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