Prison and Stripping

peter stringfellow and lady friend

Hola. Hope you are well.

Last week, I spent most of my time in prison or stripping. When I say stripping I do mean wall paper, don’t worry I’ve not started working for Peter Stringfellow.

Aswell as the wall paper stripping I was also hack-sawing a 10m gas flue tube, that the chimney sweep (mentioned in last week’s post) pulled from up the chimney. All this domestic chores coming in the same week Russell Brand got married to pop singer Katy Perry, in India, watched by his showbiz friends, whilst being entertained by P.Diddy does make me question whether I am in the same profession as Russell.

On Thursday I was in a prison all day. I got in at 8:45am and left at 7:45pm and because you are not allowed to take mobile phones into prisons (along with ammunition, explosives, firearms et al) I turned my phone off. When I turned it back on, guess how many txts, missed calls or voice mails I had waiting for me? I’ll tell you, a big fat zero! Not that I mind, as it’s only ever people wanting something from me. The worst thing I can see when I switch my phone on is the voice-mail symbol. Firstly it means I’ll have to pay to retrieve it and secondly someone has not only tried to contact me but what they have to say is important enough to leave a message.

In other news, I’ve been trying to cut down on drinking cups of tea. This is purely on vanity grounds as I’m trying to avoid when possible things that stain my teeth. It’s actually quite hard not drinking tea, it is after all a staple of the British diet. Fortunately for me, I’ve never had to come off cigarettes, alcohol or drugs, but if it’s anything like coming off tea it must be hard. Because once you cut down all you can think about is drinking tea and then you’ve got the pushers offering you ‘cuppas’ all the time.

Some sad news now, as the world of sport and sea creatures, mourns the passing of Paul the Octopus. If you are unsure as to who Paul the Octopus is, he was one of the big successes of the World Cup.  He correctly predicted the results of the Germany games but last week he was no more. I do feel a bit sorry for Paul, as he was just a simple creature going along his daily life happily before being thrust into the public arena. In many ways he’s the Alex Reid of the sea world. RIP Paul.

And Finally…. After the radio show on Sat, the guest Shaista took me out (not in a Mafia way). I must add she is the first guest to do this. She like me is a comedian although she only started doing stand up comedy 4 months ago. Yet she has already played in front of a crowd of 20 000 and was invited to perform in Hong Kong. I on the other hand have been involved in comedy for a little more than 4 months and have not performed in front of a 20 000 crowd. To be honest if you added up all the people I’ve ever performed in front of, I doubt it would tally 20000. As for Hong Kong they’ve yet to call. So if it wasn’t bad enough being overshadowed early on a Sat morning by a newcomer to comedy, I also had a cup of tea at the cafe.

Til Next Week, Stay Safe!

I couldn’t make this up

paul

Hola, I hope you are all well.

Congratulations if you are Spanish and commiserations if you are Dutch. I’m not sure if  this blog has Dutch or Spanish readers. I don’t think my celebrity has reached mainline Europe. If you are Spanish or Dutch feel free to let me know (you can contact me via the comments button). It would be good if I had readers from exotic places, as one of my aims is to replicate my success in this country, Internationally. 

If you have no idea why I’m congratulating the Spanish, then shame on you, where have you been for the last month. In fact how come you have found your way onto this obscure blog and yet you don’t know the winners of the World Cup.

I must also congratulate Paul. You may ask yourself who is Paul? Paul has been one of the most talked about things at this World Cup. He’s not a player and neither is he an official. He is the octopus that correctly predicted the winner in all the Germany games as well as the winner of the final. If you’ve missed the story, you are probably reading this questioning my sanity, but it is true, see here. Paul the Octopus has such fame these days that he has a spokesperson and a Facebook page, which let’s face it, is more than I have. You know you’re struggling career wise, when not only do you see younger people progressing quicker than you but also a bloody sea creature.

Talking of football and Pauls, I’d like to talk about Paul Gascoigne, as I’m a little concerned about him. Last week he claimed he was a friend of Raoul Moat (the gunman in Rothbury). I also read that he used to take phone calls from the Pope, not the current Pope (the former Hitler Youth) the previous one, John Paul II and that Cheryl Cole/Tweedy used to fancy him, see here. Out of the 3 things mentioned I’m struggling to workout which is the most believable (maybe you can put them in an order of believability).

The story did make me think, if you had to choose to be one of the Geordie Icons, Gazza or Cheryl, which one would you choose. On the one hand Gazza had a remarkable career and is seen as one of the most naturally gifted footballers England has ever produced, but he’s also a little bit bonkers to put it politely. Whereas Cheryl despite not being the best singer or dancer has managed to become a massive star, loved by large numbers. But if you do choose Cheryl it would mean that you’d have had to have slept with Ashley Cole. So who would you choose to be???

And Finally …. My favourite showbiz story of the week, is the fact that the rapper Snoop Dogg has said he would like to be in Coronation Street (see here) Now that is something I would love to see. Can you imagine Snoop in the Rovers, maybe supping a pint of Mild and asking Betty if he could sample her delicious hot-pot? If the producers of Corrie are reading this, sign him up!

                                                   Til next week, Stay Safe!

(original post 12/7/10)