I hope he’s not sick on my coat

splat the rat

Hola. I hope you are well.

I’ve had another varied week. On Thurs I was in Leeds, Garforth Library doing a Young People’s comedy event. When I think of young people the words ‘surly’ and ‘too cool for school’ does cross my mind. But these young people were a really good and engaging audience, which was just as well as I was the only act on, so if they didn’t like me, they were screwed.

On Friday, I was helping ‘Her with one permanent job’ and her charity out. My job was to go to designated shops and pick up gifts, bottle of wines, vouchers etc.. so we could offer them as prizes in a raffle the following day at a festival in Chorlton. The only problem was, I was involved and nothing goes smoothly when I’m involved. So despite each shop having received a phone call in the week and agreeing to this, I was still met with blank faces, or told to come back the next day when the boss would be in or in one place they even told me that I’d received the gifts. It was like the world’s worst ever Treasure Hunt. I’d crack the clues, get to the correct location but there’d be no sweets for me. So I did what any self-respecting man would do in this situation, I rang ‘HWOPJ’ to sort it out.

On Sat, I helped out on the stall at the Festival (it was more like a village fete). Despite having great prizes for the raffle, including a £100 voucher for a hair salon, or a £30 meal voucher for correctly naming a Tiger (a toy one), the most popular thing at our stall was ‘rock the croc’. If I was to say ‘rock the croc’ was basic I think I would be giving it too much praise (see the pic at the top of the post). It’s normally called ‘Splat the Rat’ but we didn’t have a toy rat but we did have a fluffy green toy crocodile. The idea was for me or ‘HWOPJ’ to drop the fluffy green toy croc down the tube and for the competitor has to hit the croc with a stick before it hits the ground. It’s actually harder than it sounds. My unscientific findings were that it was most popular with young boys trying to impress their friends and older guys trying to impress their wives.

After the festival, we were driving back when ‘HWOPJ’ and ‘HWOPJ’s mum’ spotted a man collapsed on the pavement. They got out of the car, called an ambulance and comforted the man who had a fit. I had to stay in the car holding the ‘rock the croc’ to ensure it didn’t slip through the windscreen. My coat however was used to prop his head up. I hope it doesn’t sound bad, but I was thinking “I hope he doesn’t throw up on my coat”. He didn’t, and for those who are concerned by the time the ambulance came the man was up and puffing on a cigarette, a sure sign of good health.

And Finally…. Yesterday (18th july) I was doing 10mins of my poems at the Earth Cafe, at the Buddhist Centre in M’cr. It was a really friendly audience and people laughed in the right places, which is all I can ask for. Afterwards a woman came up to me and said my poems “had lifted her spirits”, which was a really kind thing to say. I mentioned this to one of ‘HWOPJ’s’ relatives (not mentioning any names Cath) who said, “the woman must have been really low”. Everyone’s a critic.

                                                          Til next week, stay safe!
(original post 19/7/10)


ringo starr

Hola. Hope you are all well.

I’ve had another varied week. On Friday I was doing a charity collection at M’cr Piccadilly train station. Before people start thinking I’m a good person, I should disclose that I was collecting for Retrak, the charity ‘Her with one permanent job’ works for. So as well as raising money for street children in Africa, I was also collecting ‘boyfriend points’. But as we all know boyfriend points are more volatile than the stock exchange and can be as easily lost as earnt. So I need to cash  them in soon.

Also last week I met up with the writer of ‘How To Dump Your Girlfiend’, Kym Cooper, as we are talking over the idea of doing a joint project. Our thinking is we’ve had limited success promoting our respective books individually, so if we join forces, we can have limited success together. We’re looking at relationship issues, some inspired by surveys in the newspapers and others involving stories of when relationships go wrong, for example texting saucy pics to the wrong person. I will give you more details in the next few weeks including how you can contribute. cheers

I read in the week that Lembit Opik did his first ever Stand Up gig. What stood out for me was that he was paid £115 for 15mins.  I started doing stand up comedy in 2001 and recently did 20mins where I was paid last than half of what Lembit was paid. This has made me think of how I can increase my earning potential. These are my findings, firstly I need to become a political lightweight, then I need to get engaged to a cheeky girl and finally I need to get a slightly wonky face and then hey presto, I’ll be in the money.

In something unrelated, I was thinking that if a person got their entire view of the world from the tabloids and Britain’s Got Talent, they would think that every young person was either high on Meow Meow or in an urban dance group. Because it seemed every other act on BGT seemed to be an urban dance group. If you’re a young person and you’re not in an urban dance group you may aswell give up now. The act I didn’t get on BGT was the drumming boy who finished 3rd. From what I could see he was just drumming. No disrespect to drummers but drumming on its own is not entertainment. if it was Ringo Starr would have ditched John, Paul and George and replaced them with the Gorilla from the Cadbury’s ad, the drummer from the muppets and Phil Collins. I’m sure if he had done this then his history would have been a lot different.

And Finally… I’m going away for a few days, I’m heading to St. Ives (I need to get away from the executive stress), As I am coming back next Mon, it means I will be updating this blog next Tues. It also means I will not be reviewing the newspapers on the radio on Sat Morning (12th June)  so feel free to have a lie-in. Cheers

                                                  Til next time (tues), stay safe! 
(original post 7/6/10)