A tale of two coats

steve ovett and seb coe

Hola. Hope you are well.

Hello to Simon Cowell. I know he reads blogs with his name in it, mainly to inform his lawyers about any libellous comments made about him or his shows. That’s why I’ll leave it here.

Due to the minimal lifestyle that I have adopted over the last few years, I only have two coats here in London, a summer jacket and a winter coat. Such was the inclement weather this morning I had to wear my winter coat, which is ominous when we are only at the start of June. It was so wet and muggy here that I could have been in Manchester. One way I knew I wasn’t in Manchester is because it was rent day today.

I had a week off last week and managed to do a few things, nothing too major but enough for me to be getting on with. For example I tweaked my CV. I’ve not sent it to anyone but it’s definitely been tweaked. I should really be sending it to places because the 6 weeks school holidays are fast approaching  which basically means potentially no income for me, which isn’t a favourable prospect. I do however have an idea as to how I will secure work over this period, word of mouth. My plan is to tell anyone I meet and strike up a conversation with that I am looking for work over this period. My thinking is that someone will either say, “Have you tried so and so…” or “My friend is looking for people to …”. I mentioned this plan to ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ and I’m not sure she was that convinced by this strategy, it was her saying, “I hope you have other options” that gave me this inclination. So if anyone reading this knows of any work going, for an unknown comedian, please let me know, especially if you are Simon Cowell.

One of the things I got round to doing on my week off was meeting my mate Colin. Despite us living only ten minutes from each other it has taken us 6 months to eventually meet up. This is even more remarkable as we talked about meeting up before I’d moved. We have tried to meet up before this but it had never worked out as one or both of us couldn’t make it for what ever reason. In our defence we are both arty types, he’s a musician and I’m what ever I am and arty types are some of the flakiest people in society so it’s no surprise we hadn’t got round to organising a meet up. I often think that if governments want to topple terrorist groups they shouldn’t try to take out the leaders, they should infiltrate the groups with arty types, in that way they’d ensure nothing gets done, making the world a safer place.

Also on my week off I rang the passport office as my current passport runs out in August but I am due to travel to Spain and back in July. I had heard that if you have less than 6 months on your passport you can’t travel to certain places. So I rang the passport office to get some advice on this matter. They said they couldn’t tell me  but my airline will know, it did make me think but you are the PASSPORT OFFICE! They did however say I could buy a new passport, surprise surprise.

We also  found out last week that we didn’t get any Olympic tickets, admittedly we only put in for 4 events but still. This ballot system does seem like the worst system for getting tickets ever. Some people got more tickets than they actually wanted, whilst others who put in for loads didn’t get any. Apparently Lord Coe said they spent 3 years looking into the best system for allocating these tickets. It would appear that the committee must have spent the first 2yrs 11 months and 3 weeks fannying around and then came up with a plan. In other European countries you could book your tickets on a first come, first serve basis, what a novel idea. The system we had,was similar to going into your local shop and being told you can order what foods you want but you won’t be guaranteed you’ll get them all or any. They also advise you that you will have a better chance of getting what you want if you put in for more than you want and on top of that they will take the money out of your account before they tell you what you’ve got. At that point you’d say, “stuff this I’m off to Tesco” (Other supermarkets are available). All I will add is Steve Ovett would definitely have done a better job.

And Finally… on to Ryan Giggs. Now I have to be careful what I say here but after he was named by an MP as the footballer involved with Imogen Thomas, this weekend he was alleged to have had an affair with his brother’s wife. To me that is a proper no no. It’s things like this that tear families apart. I’m not saying it happened but the only thing that could cause his family more upheaval is if he’d had an affair with his sister’s husband. It does seem things have snowballed for Giggs as ‘HWOPJ’s dad said of these allegations surrounding Giggs,“what next, the family dog”?

Til next week, stay safe!

My friends in the north

Wills and Kate

Hola. Hope you are well.

It’s been a week of wrapping things up before my move to London. I played my last 5-a-side game, I did my last radio show and had some drinks with my friends. I felt a bit like Jack Duckworth before his passing in Coronation Street. I think the only difference between me and Jack Duckworth is that Jack was going to a better place.

Talking of lasts, at the end of the radio show some listeners texted in wishing me luck, which was really sweet. I say they were wishing me luck, I think they were also using it as an opportunity to have a bit of a go at our southern friends. (You can listen to the comments here 2hrs 54mins)

On Sat I had some drinks with some of my friends. I was explaining to one of my football mates (Pete) that I didn’t see this as proper leaving do, cos I’m not really leaving as my mum lives in Manchester and I am planning to make regular trips back. He replied by saying, “I don’t see it as a leaving do, as I don’t see it working out in London”. I have to admit that genuinely made me laugh, I think it’s the fact that you rarely hear that level of honesty from people. To be fair, it’s nothing that I haven’t thought myself. Let’s face it I’m an unknown comedian in Manchester, so I’m only going to be more of an unknown comedian in London. A place my friend (Adam) described as being, “the most expensive city on the planet”.

But who knows what will happen, there must be some opportunities out there, for example, there’s a vacancy on The One Show couch, since Jason Manford‘s departure. So if any producers of The One Show are reading this, please note I am a northern comedian, like Jason, I’m cheaper and more importantly I haven’t got a Twitter account. But what I will have very soon will be nice white teeth.

Talking of which, I only had two cups of tea last week but not only that I discovered, thanks to the internet, that Bicarbonate of Soda is good for cleaning your teeth. And because I am a sucker for this kind of thing, I went out and bought a tub, and what’s even better it only cost 60p. It certainly beats going to America for specialist treatment, in your face Simon Cowell.

And Finally….. you may have seen this news, but if not Prince William is to marry Kate (Katherine) Middleton, next year. To mark the occasion he gave Kate his mum’s engagement ring, which I think is a little weird. Not because it’s his mum’s ring but because it wasn’t as if Princess Diana had such a happy marriage. (Let me know if this scenario has happened to you, have you passed on your engagement/wedding ring to your next partner or have you received someone else’s ring).

One thing that has been mentioned , is whether we will get a day off work for the wedding. The way the country is heading and the state of the job market, by next year I think people will be having more days off from work than they are planning.

Til next week, stay safe!