I forgive you wayne

coleen and wayne rooney

 

Hola. Hope you are well. 

I’ve had a varied week. As I mentioned recently I have appeared in my local newspaper, the South Manchester Reporter twice in the last month. Despite being a bit crap when it comes to technology, I’ve managed to scan the articles, so those unfortunate enough to live outside of South Manchester have the chance to see the articles. (article 1) and (who’s who article). I mention these articles, not to show off (honest) but because on the way to watch the Switzerland vs England game, a bloke walking towards me, wearing shorts and carrying a plastic bag looked at me and just as we passed each other, he spat on the ground and then said “Are you a bit of a comedian?” I said “yep, a bit of a comedian”. I thought if he wasn’t going to commit to me being a full comedian, then it would probably be a social faux pas for me to do so. He then went on to say he’d seen me in the paper, which just goes to show the power of the local media. To be honest I’m just glad he didn’t want to beat me up. 

As for the football, it brought me some money. In particularly Wayne Rooney won me some money, admittedly I didn’t get as much money off the back of Wayne Rooney as some we have learnt about in recent times. But after his recent publicity I thought I’d put some money on him being the first scorer against the Swiss. It was only when Rooney scored the first goal, that I thought maybe I’d should have put on more money than the £1:25 at 4-1 that I actually did. And before you ask, yes I did feel a bit of a tw@t putting such a small bet on in the bookers. I put the bet on in hushed tones, just in case anyone overheard. I felt a little bit more confident, when I went in the next day to collect my winnings, all £5 of them (plus my stake). I was wary not to go crazy and blow all my winnings in one go. Instead I bought some toothpaste £1, renewed a DVD from the library £1, then I bought tinned tomatoes, mushrooms and bacon from a supermarket and I still had some change left, although I think by the time I bought a cup of tea in a cafe,  I’d exceeded my winnings. 

As some of you may know I’m constantly thinking of ways to advance my global appeal. Well inspiration hit last week. I’m not sure what triggered it off, but I had a thought that around this time next year I could hold an ‘International Burn Tony Blair’s book day’. I could grow a ridiculous moustache and promote the event on the side of a tacky trailer. The only problem is that I don’t want to buy the book so I’ll have to find a library that stocks the book and burn it in there. I suppose I’ve got a year to iron out these teething problems. 

And Finally…. Here’s a little insight into my personal life, I decided I should do some stretches last week, as it would make me more supple. So I did some intense stretches on my hamstrings. I then spent the next 3 days walking around with tight hamstrings. I think I might just stick to gambling. 

Til next week, stay safe!

It’s not all glamour this showbiz malarkey

william hague and christopher myles

 

Hola. Hope you are well. 

Welcome to my new home. That’s right I’ve moved my blog from its previous home to this one. Don’t worry nothing else will change, it will still be updated on a Monday unless I can’t for whatever reason and it will still contain the usual nonsense. 

I spent most of last week transferring the posts from the old blog to this one, meaning I was sat at the computer for quite a number of hours doing mundane tasks, it was like having a proper job. Naturally it didn’t go smoothly, mainly because I am an idiot and I accidentally saved some posts as drafts and not publishing them as intended. This meant that some posts were out of synch, so I had to delete some posts that I had already taken time and effort to transfer. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again, it’s not all glamour this showbiz malarkey. 

As I was on the computer so much last week and because I get distracted easily, and because I’m a little bit vain, I decided to Google, ‘Argos Catalogue of Disasters’ the title of the Edinburgh Festival show I did with, Marvin Cheesesman and Steve Rooney. Regular readers to this blog will know, it’s not served me well in the past when I’ve actively sought out things about me on the internet. Remember when I spotted this, 

“Julian Daniel attempted to be funny. I don’t think he’s quite there yet; but he could be a good comedian in the end. Though not a poet, despite his “funny” verses.” 

Anyway, knowing this I still did it, so I wonder what that says about me. To my surprise and a little trepidation I saw ‘Argos Catalogue of Disasters’ was attached to a Guardian article. I clicked on and it was an article about comedians who do poetry and poets that do comedy, or something like that, I didn’t really read the article, I was trying to find out what was said about the show. We weren’t in the main article but we were in the comments section (see here, scroll down to McMole 28th Aug 11:16AM). I won’t give it away as to whether it was positive or negative feedback but I will say, “Thanks for slagging us of McMole”/”Thanks for the kind words McMole” (delete where applicable). 

Talking of newspapers I made it into my local newspaper the South Manchester Reporter in a section called Who’s Who? it’s where local movers and shakers (and unknown comedians) answer a series of questions about Manchester. It was a nice write-up and it’s always good to get a bit of publicity but it’s interesting how taking out one word can change the whole meaning of a sentence. For example, one of the questions they asked me was “What would be the best thing that could happen to Manchester in the future?” I wrote in my original response, “It would be nice if Man City got some financial backing”. The joke being, Man City are the richest club in the World. However, it appeared in the article as “It would be nice if Manchester got some financial backing”, which makes me sound as if I’m concerned about the funding streams for Manchester council, which I’m not. Not to worry. 

Now on to politics, as it was a busy week for politics what with Tony Blair’s book coming out. It’s cover price is £25 that’s TWENTY FIVE of your hard earned English pounds. In the book, he reveals that he had a fractious relationship with Gordon Brown, who knew? He also reveals he doesn’t regret his decision to invade Iraq, who knew. I think he also speculates that the Earth is spherical. That’ll be £25 thanks. 

The other big political news involves William Hague (49) and the fact that he shared hotel rooms with his aide Christopher Myers (24) on a number of occasions whilst on political trips. Some cynical people put 2+2 together and come up with gay. William Hague then felt he had to make a statement to prove he’s not gay, but it’s not easy to prove you’re not something. He then went on to mention his wife and her multiple miscarriages, which I think is over stepping the mark. If you are in the public eye and your other half isn’t I don’t think you should bring them into the public arena. I was explaining this to ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ just the other day. 

And Finally… I was watching a programme, ‘My favourite Year’, the year in question was 2000. In it, it mentioned Tony Martin who was convicted after shooting and killing an intruder. It also mentioned Barry George who was sent down for the murder of Jill Dando (he was acquitted of this in 2008 after a retrial). I think the one thing we can learn from these 2 things is that we shouldn’t trust people with two first names.  

Til next week, stay safe! 

Julian Daniel

Don’t believe everything you read in the papers, even if it’s true

edinburgh

Hola. I hope you are all well.

I was doing a poetry workshop this morning, which means it delayed this blog. Can you believe this thing called work has impinged on this blog? I must do something about this.

I also feel I must apologise for the fact that David Cameron is not doing the blog this week. I did say in last week’s post that I was going to get the PM to be a guest blogger. Unfortunately he couldn’t make it, I think he’s in India upsetting the Pakistanis.

In last week’s post I also jokingly said the ‘Big Society’ may result in the women from the local Bridge club becoming prostitutes. I was contacted by a lady at my local Bridge club who assured me her ladies had no intention of becoming prostitutes. All I can do at this stage is to apologise for any confusion and to warn you that this probably applies to the women at your local bridge club. Hope that clears that up.

Also on last week’s blog I mentioned how I had been doing some re-pointing at my mum’s house. Well it’s kind of taken over my daily thoughts. I’ll be out and about analysing walls and at times horrified at how decayed some of these bricks are. This can’t be right for a man in his mid-thirties. Aren’t I supposed to be thinking of sex every 7 seconds not trowels and cement?

I had some good news last week. Well, initially it was good news but then it turned a little sour. The good news was I made it into my local newspaper, the South Manchester Reporter. It was a nice article and even made me seem like a go getting writer and performer. The only problem (not for me) was that in the article it described me as single, which technically I am as I’m not married. This however didn’t go  down well with ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ Nana, who appears to think I’m using my new found fame (the local paper) as a way of attracting the ladies, if you know what I mean. Admittedly I am a hunk of burning love and added with this media spotlight, I can see why she might be concerned for her Granddaughter. But to be honest I haven’t got the time, the money, or the inclination to be dating scores of women. Maybe I have the time but the other 2 factors remain true.

Plus these women are only attracted to people more famous than me. If a woman is willing to sleep with me because she thinks I can open doors to the world of showbiz, she’s either deluded or lacking in ambition. There’s plenty of famous comedians out there, with a reputation for womanizing that these women could take advantage of, such as this guy.

And Finally… I thought I’d give you the heads up on a couple of things I’m up to. This Weds 4th Aug, I will be on the Becky Want radio show on BBC Radio Manchester, a little after 4pm, talking about public transport. 

And I will be doing 4 nights at the Edinburgh Fest from Thurs 19th Aug-Sun 22nd. The show is called ‘Argos Catalogue of Disasters’. It will feature fellow comic poets Marvin Cheeseman and Steve Rooney. If you are at the fest (or know someone who is) for these dates, come along and the best thing it is Free. For more info click here. Cheers

                                                        Til Next week, Stay safe!

(original post 2/8/10)