It wasn’t me

phil spector

Hola. Hope you are well.

Just to let you know I started this blog yday (Mon 11th) but due to time constraints and because I’m currently running this operation from my local library I never got round to finishing it.  Let’s hope it’s worth the wait.

On last week’s blog I mentioned that I was ready to resume my battle with Cheryl Cole. Then a few days later it was splashed all over the papers that Cheryl had received death threats (see here). Just in case anyone from a law enforcement agency is reading this, I just want to ensure you that I had nothing to do with this.

The tell-tale signs that it had nothing to do with me, include the fact that the message was sent from a Blackberry, which is way too modern a piece of technology for me to have. I’m currently using a mobile that has already had two previous owners. Secondly the spelling is atrocious. This doesn’t initially discount me, as my spelling is poor but if I were to send a death threat to someone, I feel I would have the courtesy to make sure I ran it past the spell checker. For those of you  who are concerned about Cheryl’s welfare, fret no more as she is alive and well. It’s almost as if this death threat was all a publicity stunt.

Something that doesn’t appear to be a publicity stunt is that Gamu does face a real threat of being deported back to Zimbabwe due to her mum’s student Visa having run out. It was reported in the Sunday Mirror that Gamu fears for her safety if she returns to Zimbabwe and she even said she may face the firing squad (see here). I don’t know how much truth is in this, but it does seem a harsh punishment for someone who’s only crime appears to have not been picked to sing in the live finals of X-Factor. However, I can’t help thinking that some producer somewhere is noting this down, so if in years to come, instead of  contestants on the X-Factor merely getting booted off the show, they get lined up and shot, we will know where the seeds for this idea came from. At least if this did happen you’d feel the tears would be for a just reason.

Anyway, onto other news. As I’m sure you were all aware it was National Poetry Day on Thurs (7th Oct). I was marked the occasion by going into a prison and travelling from wing to wing asking the inmates about home. Before I go on, I feel I should assure you I was booked to do this, it wasn’t some elaborate prank. But I can see how going into prison asking inmates what they think of home, may appear quite cruel, akin to going to a weight watchers event and asking the participants to talk about cream cakes. But in my defence, the theme of this year’s  National Poetry Day was ‘Home’, so I did have a legitimate reason for asking these questions.

The idea was for me to get all the inmates I met to write down on a strip of paper one sentence that summed up home and then they put that strip of paper in an envelope and at the end of the day I would turn their contributions into a poem. As it happened I met quite a lot of inmates and the vast majority were very co-operative, we did get the odd ‘majour pussy’ but that was always to be expected and to be fair maybe majour pussy does sum up home to him. Unfortunately I didn’t feel it was appropriate to the overall feel of the piece.

I eventually got round to piecing the poem together yesterday, that’s why I didn’t get round to completing this blog. I have to say I found the whole thing an interesting process. Initially when I saw all the strips of paper I did feel a little overwhelmed, thinking where should I start. It’s probably not surprising I felt this way as if you’ve seen me perform any of my poems you will know they are generally pretty short. One of my shortest poems consists of two female names and the word ‘whilst’.

But after my initial fears as to my ability to turn it into a poem, I got into it. I felt a little like a music producer, trying to take all the different parts and make one coherent piece. In many ways I could become the Manchester poetry equivalent of Phil Spector. If the poem gets the all clear, I may put a link of it on next week’s blog, I imagine you are all can’t wait.

And Finally… It’s my nephew’s 3rd birthday today, don’t feel you have to wish him Happy Birthday as he doesn’t read this blog (everyone’s a critic). I only mention it because I got him a card as is the way with these things, but it wasn’t as easy as you may think. He is mixed raced (person of dual heritage) and I’m sure I read somewhere that it is important to show children positive images of people similar to themselves. But the problem was, it’s not easy to find cards with mixed raced children on them, especially the card shops I frequent, so instead I got him a card with a bear driving a car. Because in no way is that going to confuse him more than a smiling white boy.

Til next week (Mon hopefully), stay safe.

Are you the comedian guy?

ronan keating and his wife


Hola. I hope you are well. Apologies for posting on a Tues, it wasn’t because yesterday was a Bank Hol, it was due to a technical difficulty and me being an idiot. I typed the blog late last night, put on all the links, published it and then accidentally deleted it. The moral of this story is don’t try to do anything that requires concentration late at night whilst watching Graham Norton

I’m sure you’ve all been waiting in tenterhooks to find out how my gig at the Iguana bar went last Mon. For those that weren’t there, let me tell you it was a rip-roaring success, by the end of my set the punters lifted me onto their shoulders and carried me through the streets of Chorlton, lauding me as a comedy God. Those that were there will know it went ok. I went on first, which is always tricky as the audience isn’t warmed up (i.e. pisssed). I got laughs throughout my set, but there were also periods when it was just a man chatting on stage. Having said that, I really enjoyed it, which isn’t always the case when I do stand up. 

Also last week, I went to a free screening of new film, ‘Death at a Funeral’, starring Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence. I felt it had all the ingredients to be funnier than it was, there was slapstick, poo, a dwarf and as is obligatory with a film with a mainly black cast, an ‘idiot white boyfriend’. The best way to sum up this is to say if I’d paid £7:50 I’d have been disappointed, If I’d got in for half price courtesy of Orange Wednesdays, I’d have thought it was alright, but as I got in for free I enjoyed it. 

After the film, whilst waiting for the bus, a woman came up to me and said, “Are you the comedian guy”? I responded with a “Yes”, whilst desperately trying to rack my brain, to workout who she was. My brain was giving me nothing (not for the first time), which must have been obvious, as she then said, “You don’t recognise me do you”? I didn’t, so I had to admit to this. Then my friend Nadeem (the poet, not my other friend Nadeem) came along and said “Hi Dee”, making me look like a totally self-absorbed idiot, who can’t be bothered to remember people they have met. Cheers. Feel free to let me know if anything like this has happened to you. 

Regulars to this blog will know that a couple of weeks ago I emailed a train company complaining that the last train back to M’cr from Liverpool on a Sat night was too early (23:38) and they should put on a later train. I got an email back from the train company, Woohoo!!! Unfortunately it was bad news as apparently train companies don’t work their schedules around unknown comedians, they have boring rules and regulations they have to adhere to, Boohoo!!

I also found out I’ve made it onto YouTube. About a month ago I was asked by Literature Northwest, to take part in a scheme to promote Northwest writers. It basically involved me talking to a camera, which isn’t as easy as it sounds. Check it out here. (tis only 2mins 54) 

And Finally…I read in the Sunday Mirror, (so it must be true) that Ronan Keating has managed to grovel his way back into his wife’s affections, after his 7 month affair. It was also claimed he was writing love songs for his wife. My advice having heard Ronan’s music, is to say,

“Don’t do it, quit whilst you’re ahead”!!!


                                             Til next week (Mon), stay safe!
(original post 1/6/10)