Value for money?

My first thought when I read that Buckingham Palace was getting done up for £369m at the tax payers expense, was that 3,6,9 are multiples of 3.

Then I wondered why they didn’t round the figure upto £370m. Perhaps ‘they’d’ worked out that if they said the cost was £370m, we would rise up as a nation and call for a revolution but at £369m we’d think it value for money.

I just hope the Queen didn’t just accept the first quote, because everyone knows you’re meant to get at least three.

Til next time, be nice to each other.

@anunknowncomic

If you have time check out my comedy prongcast. Thanks

 

Who do you share your birthday with?

Hola. Hope you are well.

A friend of mine shares her birthday with the Queen.

Another friend shares his with Bob Dylan.

My sister used to share hers with Nelson Mandela.

I share mine with Ian Rush (former Liverpool striker), Dannii Minogue and Shane Ward’s mum Philomena.

Feel free to let me know who you share your birthday with. You can contact me via the comments button or on Twitter @anunknowncomic

*For those unsure who Shayne Ward is, nevermind his mum, he won the second series of The X Factor and should not be confused with Shane Warne the former Aussie cricketer.

Til next time, stay safe!

Prongcast

 

Is the Queen in Equity?

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’m back from my hols, Bruges and Paris, all went well and we didn’t bring back any kitchen utensils (see last week’s blog post).

In Paris we went to the places you’re supposed to, the Champs Elysees, the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre and a cemetery, where randomly Jim Morrison, Oscar Wilde, Marcel Marceau and Edith Piaf are laid to rest. Although when I mentioned in passing, going to the tunnel where Princess Diana had the car crash, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ said that would be ‘sick’. Too soon perhaps.

With the Olympics being in London and me now living in London, it was no surprise that I was in Paris, when the opening ceremony was taking place. Opening ceremonies are generally bonkers but even more so with French commentary (if you’re not a French Speaker). If that wasn’t odd enough mid way through, the Queen turns up in a skit with James Bond. If I were the Queen, I would have had to remind the organisers that I am the Head of State. After all she’s not some shmuck, trying to resurrect her fading career, she’s the Queen. At the very least, I hope she got paid Equity rates for her acting role.

The 4 hour ceremony was wrapped up with Sir Paul McCartney singing, ‘Hey Jude’. After what happened recently it would have been funny if someone had cut his mic.

Now I’m back in England, the big Olympic story is about the number of empty seats at some of the events. When I do comedy, here in London, they are generally held in the upstairs of pubs and although the capacity my not be massive, it does mean that the venue packs out easily and creates a good atmosphere. So if Lord Coe is reading this, my suggestion is to move some of the events to the upstairs of pubs. Or he could re-issue the tickets and allow the people to enter a complicated ballot system, where they’re sure to not get tickets for the event they wanted to see.

And Finally... the Olympics wouldn’t be the Olympics without the thoughts of the 3 Prong Attack radio show. Below are a few short vids.

Here’s our Olympic Competition (1 min 46)

This is our insight into the games  (1 min 12)

These are our Olympic predictions (1 min 11)

Enjoy!!

Til next week, stay safe!

Are you a professional singer?

hoddle and waddle

Hola. Hope you are well.

Congratulations on surviving the apocalypse. Thankfully I didn’t do anything drastic thinking the world was going to end on Saturday. The amount of times someone has predicted the end of the world and it hasn’t happened makes me think it’s either really hard to work out or people are making it up as they go along. It’s almost as if you are a preacher in America and you want attention, all you have to do is predict the end of the world or threaten to burn a certain holy book.

Besides still being here, I’ve had another varied week. I was briefly in Manchester over the weekend with the intention of meeting up with my dad only for him to ring and say he was stuck in Trinidad. I doubt anyone else had that happen to them this weekend,( except my brother).

I was also in a primary school last week, where I got complimented on two of my shirts, one by a co-worker and one by a child. And after singing along to a song two girls had made up, one of them said, “are you a professional singer”? I don’t think in all my time on this earth, I have ever been complimented for my singing, I’m not sure why as I fancy my self as a vocalist. I freely admit I’m not the best singer ever but I’m not the worst, I fall somewhere between Aretha Franklin and Bob Dylan, admittedly more towards Bob’s end of that scale.

This compliment reminded me of when I was having a kick around with ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ 6-year-old cousin,and he said, “how can you be so good at football and not be professional”? This is something I’ve thought about in the past and it was nice to know someone else thought that, even if they weren’t old enough to know any better. It would appear that if the world was run by 6 year olds, I’d be both a singer and a footballer. I could have been the new Waddle or indeed Hoddle but unfortunately (or fortunately) the world is not run by 6 year olds.

Talking of work, it looks like I will be in the school I’m currently at until the end of the summer term, working 5 days a week. Before I get lambasted for being Nick Clegg like and going back on my manifesto of only working a 4 day week,  I feel I must say, “I’ve had to make some tough decisions due to the previous regime leaving my life in such a mess”. I do however think it’s a little ironic that someone who has been quite ambivalent to work and has always tried to do his own thing work wise has ended up working full-time in of all cities LONDON. The couple of things I have discovered by doing a ‘proper job’  is what things I like and don’t like. In the latter case, that’s mainly doing a proper job.

The only other thing that happened at the school worth mentioning came about because they had a dentist in. This lead to a 5min class discussion about why we should brush our teeth, how we should brush our teeth, what foods and drinks are good for teeth. After all of that, the children sat down to listen to a reading of … Charlie and the Chocolate factory. You couldn’t make it up, well you could but people would think you made it up. 

And Finally… The Queen made a historic trip to Ireland last week. She became the first reining British monarch to visit Ireland for 100 years. It’s been seen as a successful visit, she said all the right things, she went to the Guinness factory and she didn’t get blown up.  But if you read the papers all this still pales into insignificance, compared to Pippa Middleton’s ass.

Til next week, stay safe!

Colour Blind

Sophie Amogbokpa

Hola. Hope you are well.

Just to let you know that I haven’t heard from ‘This Morning’ about paying my rent for a year. I can’t help thinking, no news is good news. This week they are giving away £30 000, so this time next week, I should have some good news (The answer to this week’s question is ABBA, should you be interested). Aswell as ‘This Morning’ not being in touch, I’ve not heard from the Queen or Duncan Bannatyne (see last week’s post) but ‘Her With One Permanent Job’  and I have found someone to rent our flat. It had more to do with the power of Gumtree than the efforts of our letting agent.

It did mean that ‘HWOPJ’ and I had to 2 days to move our things out of the flat and to do some intense cleaning before the flat inspection. Here’s a little tip, if you are cleaning with someone else and you have the choice to clean the blinds or not, DO NOT!!! Take your chances with anything else, because cleaning blinds are so time-consuming, as you have to clean each individual panel. I spent  about an hour and a half attempting to clean the blinds in the kitchen. My efforts were hindered because the grime and the steam from cooking over the years had mixed to form an almost impenetrable combination. It didn’t help that I had to clean them whilst leaning precariously over the sink.

At times I have to admit, I did lose the will to live. To gauge how long it took to clean the blinds, I did them in two stages, divided by a sit down fish and chips in a cafe. There can’t be that many things in life that have fish and chips as an interval.

When it came to the inspection, we passed with flying colours, apart from one thing. Can you guess what that was??? Yes the blinds in the kitchen. Bloody typical!!!

The only other thing to say about the move is that I had some stand up banners at the flat that belong to a writing organisation (Commonword) in Manchester City Centre. I did think about taking them back to the organisation as opposed to transporting them to my mum’s house but in the end I decided against this. Not only because of the time constraints, but when the banners are packed in their cases they look like they might be mini missile launchers. And with the Labour Party conference happening in M’cr, I didn’t want to be walking round with two suspicious unidentifiable items. It might be paranoia on my part but I didn’t want to end up tasered, because one thing that you could be sure of is that the tasers the police would fire on me, would definitely work. No faulty ones for this ‘unknown comedian’

Talking of the Labour Party conference, congratulations to Ed Miliband or Red ED as some newspapers have nicknamed him, largely you suspect because it rhymes. On ‘Question Time’ last week, an audience member asked the panel if the Tories will attack  Ed because he isn’t married to the mother of his child (and one about to drop) and because he is a Jewish Atheist. It did make me ask myself, can you be both Jewish and Atheist, aren’t they mutually exclusive terms, like clean living smackhead, a 4×4 driving ecologist or mature student. (feel free to add your own examples via the comments button).

And Finally… Those regular readers to this blog (HWOPJ, Simon et al) will know that in the past I’ve taken many opportunities to slag off Cheryl Cole. Well the battle resumes. Anyone who watched y’day’s  X-Factor will know what I’m talking about. Basically Cheryl put through two performers to the Live shows despite them breaking down and being unable to complete their songs during their audition pieces. This meant that more accomplished performers didn’t go through, including one of the favourites a girl named Gamu. There’s been a lot of speculation as to why Cheryl did this, but I think  Cheryl’s decision had nothing to do with ability but maybe Gamu reminded Cheryl of the toilet attendant she assaulted a few years ago (see pic at the top of the blog) . Who knows???

Til next week, stay safe!

Hello Ma’am

The Queen

Hola. Hope you are well.

After the last couple of weeks, when I’ve spotted Johnny Bramwell and Carol Ann Duffy, this week I can’t say I’ve spotted any semi-famous people.

This week gone, has been the usual varied affair. ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ and I ventured down to ‘that there London’ to view flats. I imagine normal people allocate a reasonable amount of time to do this, we gave ourselves one day to find a flat. I imagine in the very near future, ‘Find a Flat in a Day’ will be an ITV programme. Just remember where you heard it first. Anyway, against the odds we found a flat to rent, so hopefully the paper work will go through without a hitch. All we need now is someone to agree to move into the flat we currently live in, cos paying two sets of rent would be ridiculous, even for us.

The move is a little disconcerting, especially when you consider that the Queen is struggling to make ends meet in London (see here). If she is struggling, what chance has ‘an unknown comedian’. Having said that, we will not be living in a palace. If you are reading this Ma’am, there is a one bedroom flat in Sth Manchester that’s going. You may not be able to bring Philip or the Corgis and you may need a reference but the costs will be significantly lower.

With money issues at the forefront of my mind, I’ve set out to change my finances for the better. Firstly, I did something I wouldn’t normally do, I entered a competition on daytime TV. I entered ‘This Morning’s’ Pay your rent or mortgage for a year competition. Thankfully I was able to identify, Home is where the ‘Heart’ is, as opposed to the other options, Stomach and Hand. I’ve not heard back from This Morning yet, but I’ll be sure to let you know if and when I win.

The second thing I did was to start writing up a CV. Doing a CV isn’t as easy as it sounds, for a start there are conflicting views on the Internet. For example, do you do a 1 or 2 page CV, do you write it in the first  or third person. (I’m going for a 2 page and in the third person should anyone care). It’s also not easy trying to describe how the skills you’ve learnt as an unknown comedian are relevant in the modern workforce.

And Finally… my fortunes maybe on the up. I was at the bus stop on Sat morning, on the way to the radio show and glanced down. Something made me look more closely at the pavement, I don’t know what. Anyway I picked up a tightly rolled up piece of paper, unrolled it and to my surprise it was a ten pound note. Why it was tightly rolled, I’ve no idea.

I’m sure most normal people would have just pocketed the money and been happy with that, but here are some of the thoughts that went through my head. Firstly, I thought has someone just dropped it, but no one else was at the bus stop, so that wasn’t likely. Then I thought had I dropped it, but I don’t roll up my money in such a way. Then I thought, is it a fake. Then I got happy, thinking I’d found a tenner, but then I felt a bit bad thinking someone had lost ten pounds. My final thought on the matter was, I wonder if I can make a living from finding money. What other mid-thirties man thinks that finding money is a viable way of making a living. I doubt Duncan Bannatyne would invest in such a business, let me know for sure, if you’re reading this Duncan.

I wonder who will contact me first Duncan Bannatyne or the Queen.

Til next week, stay safe!

It’s just another brick in the wall

brick work

Hola. Hope you are well.

About this time last year I started doing some pointing at my mum’s house, well a year later I’m back there continuing the job. I don’t know what it is about this time of year that makes me think I should do pointing. Maybe it will become a family tradition, something to rival Christmas. Just to clarify, when I say I’m pointing, I mean doing brick work and not just being really observant.

And before you ask, I’m not doing this because I’ve been inspired by David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’ which I’ve got to say is a ridiculous idea. For those that are unsure what the Big Society is, (which probably includes politicians) David Cameron wants people to take control of their community by volunteering in different areas. One example given, is for locals to take over the running of their pub. Which seems like a very sensible idea because if your local landlord/lady can’t make the pub work despite having years of experience in the licensing industry, you and your mates are bound to make a success of it.

Allied with the cuts that are on the way, it will mean we are going to be removing qualified people and replacing them with well-meaning volunteers. It’s like Man Utd replacing Wayne Rooney with the 65 yr old who currently works at B&Q or ‘street walkers’ being replaced by the ladies from the local bridge society. So with this spirit of people doing jobs that they are unqualified to do, next week David Cameron will be doing this blog and Nick Clegg will be running the country.

Another ‘politician’ making the news last week was the BNP’s Nick Griffin, who was invited to the Queen’s Garden party along with others, in his capacity as a MEP. He then got uninvited, the official reason given, was that he was using the event to promote his political views and this wasn’t the arena for such a thing. However I think, the Queen thought, ‘I don’t want to be pictured with a man prone to coming out with racist remarks’. Let me clarify this, I imagine having had to go on many foreign trips with Prince Philip, she didn’t want to be pictured with another man who may come out with racist remarks.

Onto lighter stuff. I was flicking through the Royal Exchange listings brochure (I’ve changed). I was happily flicking through looking at all the different events and then what should I see but this. It was for an event called Speakeasy. For those who don’t know, I’m a member of this collective (I’m far right in the pic) and yet I had no idea about this event. Let me know if anything like this has happened to you. Have you ever found something out about yourself that unbeknown to you was actually public knowledge? (Feel free to use the comments button to let us know, cheers)

And Finally…. I ended up watching 3 films over the weekend, ‘Changing Lanes’,‘Catch me if you can’ and ‘Up in the air’. The first two I’d seen before, which does seem a little bit like a waste of my time but when you’re sat on the sofa and there’s much else on, what can you do. ‘Catch me if you can’ follows Leonardo Dicaprio’s character who is a con man (con boy). Watching it did make me want to become a con man. If anyone from any law enforcement agency is reading this, I’m not actually going to pursue this an option. And ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney is a good couple movie, because it’s slush enough for the chicks but not too unbearable for us blokes. For any more film advice, do not hesitate to ask. Cheers.

                                                           Til next week, stay safe!
(original post 26/7/10)