My Proposal

Hola. Hope you are well.

After reading last week’s blog post, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ said my blogs are becoming “more mental”. As I said to her, it’s not my blogs that are getting more mental it’s my life.

This can be illustrated at the start of last week, when my agency were ringing me up asking me if “I was available for work”, when I was at … work. You’ll be pleased to know these problems have been sorted and I am now at the school til mid July (unless something changes).

As a comedian (that’s what I am) the whole Jimmy Carr furore interested me. For starters, I don’t pay tax on my comedy earnings, not  due to a tax avoidance scheme but because I don’t earn enough, so if Jimmy wants to avoid paying tax altogether he knows what he has to do.

David Cameron, described Jimmy Carr’s actions as being ‘morally wrong’ but refused to comment on Tory supporter Gary Barlow (OBE), who was reported to be part of a similar scheme along with 2 of his Take That colleagues, Mark Owen and Howard Donald. The most interesting thing about this for me is that the only member of Take That to not join this scheme is Jason Orange, whose brother is a financial adviser. As ‘HWOPJ’ said “How do you know this nonsense”? For some reason, I remember it from Gary Barlow’s book ‘My Take’. (this in my defence was before I realised he was such a wassock)

Over the weekend I met up with 2 of my uni friends. That’s right, I have friends and I went to university. Both these friends are female, also amongst the gathering was ‘HWOPJ’. When all three were on their own, whilst the men took care of the barbecue, their conversation turned to marriage. This has made me wonder, do all women want to get married? And if so, why? Is it because as girls they bought into the fairy tales they were read, or do women just like a tax break? Feel free to let me know via the comments button.

And Finally… Due to the technical glitch at Natwest, I’m still waiting for a money transfer from an African Prince, so I thought I could turn this slight set back into a positive. So if you want to make a bit of money, I have a proposal. For every pound you put into my account, I will double it when the Prince’s money hits my account. This is quite possibly, the best offer I’ve made on this blog, even better than when I was giving away CDs including Plan B’s. Feel free to contact me to discuss, sort codes et al.

Til next week, stay safe!

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Stop the clocks

Hola. Hope you are well.

Last week I mentioned I was having work related issues, these still remain as I am still in the school but have not had confirmation as to how long I will be there. My plan is to keep going in, until someone escorts me off the premises. Good plan eh?

In other news. Just over a week ago my headphones on my Walkman stopped working, so as a temporary measure I was forced to use my big, over the top headphones. Big headphones are in fashion at the moment, thanks to DR Dre, but mine aren’t his cool, overly expensive headphones. I’ve had these headphones since 1997, from my Hospital Radio days. My fear however was that people would think I was trying to be cool, when I was merely being practical. It’s bad enough to be thought of as trying to be cool, when you are trying to be cool, but it’s worse to be thought to be trying to be cool, when you’re not trying to be cool. You’ll be glad to know, I’ve now bought some cheap, small, inconspicuous headphones.

During the week my watch stopped in the evening, the next morning the clock in our front room stopped. I couldn’t help wondering if it was coincidence or a metaphor for my life. You’ll be glad to know I put a new battery in the clock and it’s back working.

I’ve not been so successful with the watch. When I was in Argos buying my cheap headphones, I enquired about a new watch battery. They quoted  a minimum price of £7:99 but this could increase depending on the make etc… I just want a cheap battery and someone to fit it. The watch only cost about £15. If getting a battery proves to be too expensive, I may go against my usual self and get another cheap watch. Feel free to let me know where I can get a cheap watch battery.

And Finally… some sad news, I’ve lost my little grey bag that I’ve had for years. I mainly use it when travelling, to keep the book I’m reading at the time and note pads, should I get some inspiration for these blog posts (there’s planning that goes on, don’t you know). I was in our local pub after an unsuccessful attempt to go to the dogs and must have left it in there. I rang and popped in the pub next day but it was nowhere to be seen. The stupid thing is, I wasn’t even drunk as I’d only had two pints all night. I’ve been in worse states and somehow remembered to bring it home with me. Another annoying thing is that it recently had a hole in it but the other week when back in Manchester my mum stitched it up. And thirdly, it had an A-Z of London in it, which without it means I’m going to be wandering round London aimlessly. But what hurts the most is that it was my own fault.

Til next week, stay safe!

How not to have an easy life

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’ve had quite a busy week. I was back at school yesterday, Mon, after having half-term off. Although being me, things weren’t straight forward. Due to communication issues between my agency and the school, on Monday morning, I didn’t know if I’d be in the school I’ve been working at since September. Phone calls were made, messages were left but nothing had been confirmed by the time I was due to leave to get my train. So I was advised by my agency to go in and explain the situation. It wasn’t til abt 10am that I was able to speak to my boss, who was able to confirm I would be staying, woohoo! The life of agency staff is never dull (sometimes it is).

Over the weekend I was at a training weekend for a Summer job I have managed to secure. The most notable thing was the beds. They could at best be described as basic. They had a little bit of mesh as the mattress and a big iron rod that ran horizontally across your spine, which rendered sleep almost impossible. I’m not a designer but I would say this is a design fault for a bed. I’m surprised this wasn’t flagged up at the manufacturing stage. Having somehow slipped through quality control, I’m surprised anyone actually bought them. I can only assume they were cheap and the people buying them, aren’t the people intending to sleep in them.

To get to the training camp on Saturday I had to get up at 6:30 am. The previous Saturday, I got up at 6am as I was on the BBC Radio Manchester Breakfast show. So, in my attempt to have an easy life, I’m currently working Mon-Fri at a school and getting up ridiculously early at weekends. I love it when a plan comes together.

Last week, I mentioned how there is an actor in London with the same as me (Julian Daniel, just in case you’ve stumbled across this blog). At this training weekend, I met someone with the same surname as me. I happened to see her name on some information pinned to the wall. I noted her first name, which was relatively unusual, so when I saw her name on her name badge, I couldn’t resist saying, “Is your surname Daniel”, which must have made me appear like a stalker. We were able to bond over the fact we don’t have an ‘s’ at the end of our name and she has family in Manchester, so maybe we are distant relatives (or maybe not).

I also did a 3 Prong Attack gig (my double act) last Thurs, where we referenced the Archduke Franz Ferdinand whose assination was the catalyst for the First World War. Although we were pleased with how the gig went, I can’t help thinking  it’s things like this why we are still on the open mic scene.

And Finally… Michael Gove wants children to be able to recite poems by the age of 5. My first instinct is to say ‘and then what’. Also, has Michael Gove looked into all the issues affecting schools and education services and decided this is a priority. And what if children do learn to recite poems at the age of 5, what are they going to at 18 when they are put off going to university because of the tuition fees. Or they can’t get suitable careers advice because they were got rid off in the cuts, or they can’t get jobs because there are no jobs. What are they going to do then? Take solace in the fact they can recite a poem? Over to you Mr Gove?

Til next week, stay safe!

3rd time lucky

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’m going to start this blog post by letting you know of a 3 Prong Attack gig (my double act) that I am doing tomorrow, Thurs 7th June. It’s at Up The Creek comedy club, 302 Creek Road, Greenwich, next to Cutty Sark Tube St. It’s part of their Open Mic night, we will be doing 5mins. In addition to us there will be plenty more acts. Doors 7:30, Show 8:15 and it’s £4. For more details .

I spent the last week in Manchester, which meant I missed out on all the Jubilee celebrations here in London (no bad thing) but it also meant that I missed out on appearing on BBC Radio 5Live commenting on the changing face of Britain in the 60 years the Queen has reigned. They wanted to conduct the interview at Battersea Park, which is not far from where I live in London, but is too far when you’re in Manchester. It’s not the first time I have missed out on appearing on 5Live, a few years ago I was sent an email asking if I would go on the Stephen Nolan show on the Sunday. I didn’t pick up that email til the Monday. Maybe it will be 3rd time lucky.

Last week, whilst in Manchester, I did a poetry gig called ‘Bang Said The Gun’ (it’s a London show that has recently set up in M’cr). In a quiet moment I put the event into a popular search engine to see how much coverage it had got. Quite high up on the first page was a review of the gig I did at the London show, I did a few months ago. For once I showed some restraint and decided not to read the review. My reasoning was that I remember the night to have been good and my poems well received. If I had read the review, I know that even if 95% of it was complimentary, it would be the negative 5% that would stick with me and in a way changed how I perceived the gig.

In addition to finding the review, I also found out that there is an actor, living in London, who is called Julian Daniel. I find it odd thinking someone else has my name, especially as Julian isn’t a common name and neither is Daniel as a surname (Daniels is more usual and don’t I know it). Intrigued I looked at my namesakes profile and not only is he younger than me, more successful than me, he’s also a model. It is possible to take a dislike to someone even if they have the same name as you (naturally I am joking). Feel free to let me know if you’ve ever met someone with the same name as you. Dave Gorman needn’t contact me. You can let me know via the comments button.

And Finally… I feel I need to comment on the Jubilee celebrations as it was all over the TV. I didn’t really watch the boat parade but it was on in the background. I can’t help thinking the word ‘flotilla’ has not been used as much as it has been in the last few days. One of the things that seems to have impressed people is that the Queen stood for the whole of her boat journey and that she didn’t need the toilet. As my mum said, the government will have noted this and will be soon making us all work til we are 86. Now there’s something to look forward to.

Til next time, stay safe!