Jobs for the boy.

My one year boy has just started taking his first tentative steps. He is however good at kicking a ball whilst holding my hand. With this in mind I was wondering what’s the earliest age Premier League clubs offer parents a ‘financial inducement’ to join their academy. The sooner the better from my perspective.

If not a Premier League footballer, I’m thinking a forensics officer as he has an inbuilt ability to find the smallest of bits. There would be some danger that the evidence would end up in his mouth but I suppose that’s the risk of employing toddlers.

@unknowncomic

Have a listen to my comedy prongcast. Thanks.

Cutting down on the white stuff.

Like Ian Wright I need to cut down on my sugar intake.

This realisation, like most realisations in life, came via porridge.

Whenever I’ve made porridge for myself I’ve always added sugar but for my 1 year old I make it without. Being so young I also have to check the temperature is suitable. I do this through the very sophisticated method of sticking my little finger in the porridge. This however means I then have a bit of porridge on my finger and the easiest way to remove this is by licking it off. On doing this I was surprised that it didn’t taste minging, in fact it was more than passable. Since then I’ve tried to take less sugar in my porridge, my other cereals and my cups of tea (down to about half a tea spoon).

Feel free to tell me about your sugar journey, either via the comments button or @anunknowncomic

Listen to my comedy prongcast. Cheers

Rioting workshops

When I used to do poetry workshops in prisons before and after 2010 there were definitely less riots and general violence in prisons.

Some people might say this is because the government have cut the number of prison officers. Others may point to the fact experienced officers have been replaced with young and inexperienced officers, who are unable to deal as effectively with such circumstances. Some may say that the above reasons has meant that prisoners are being locked up for upto 23 hours a day leading to justified resentment. Others may say we send too many people to prison in the first place.

I on the other hand am saying the increase in prison violence is down to my lack of poetry workshops. So confident of my abilities that during the next prison riots I want the governor to ring me and I will guarantee to calm the situation within 2 hours with a mix of word association games and a few clever rhymes. I await the call.

@anunknowncomic

Listen to my comedy prongcast. Cheers.

One higher than mute.

I managed to work out (I read the instructions) how to turn off the flashing lights and transmission  noise on the baby monitor.

It was quite reassuring having the noise, just so we knew it was working but at night it impacted on my sleep. Now I can have uninterrupted sleep, unless the baby wakes, I need the toilet, or as is happening I wake anyway as my sleep pattern is all over the place.

Talking of baby monitors, you can set the volume at 1. Who sets their baby monitor at 1? Surely it’s either set high or in the middle, not one higher than mute. Should you set it at 1 feel free to contact me via the comments button or @anunknowncomic

Listen to my comedy prongcast. Thanks.

I’m not saying I’m better than the BBC but…

The BBC Pay reveal shows a gap between what men and women are paid and that BMEs are underrepresented (not great news if you’re a BME woman).

Now I’m not saying 3Prong Attack (the #prongcast I do) are better than the BBC but…. both me Prong1 and my co-presenter Prong2 have absolute parity when it comes to pay. I say pay, it’s more like costs.

Plus with me being a person of colour and Prong2 being Jewish, we must tick some cultural boxes. But neither of you are women, I hear you ask. Well, firstly some of our 20 to 30 regular listeners are women and secondly, when we started out the third presenter was a woman. The last I heard she was living out in LA, no doubt continually contemplating on what could have been.

In many ways, we are the model the BBC should be copying, apart from the lack of making money and the no audience but other than that they need to be taking notes.

@anunknowncomic

Put your money where my mouth is

I read recently that Naughty Boy ploughed the £44 000 he won on Deal Or No Deal into becoming the successful music producer he is today. I like stories like this where people back themselves and come out on top.

It’s made me ponder, what’s the least amount of money I would need to make a success of my creative career.

I reckon I would have to take a couple of years off work but fortunately for me, in this scenario anyway, I am on a low wage, so it wouldn’t take a ridiculous amount to cover the two years. I’d also need to budget for travel and any equipment required. All in all, I’m thinking about ¬£40 000.

My biggest concern however is that I’d get 18 months in and I’d be no closer to being a success, I’m basing this on the last 20 years. Should there be a rich benefactor/benefactors reading this, don’t be put off by this as I am willing to put this to the test. You can contact me via the comments button or @anunknowncomic. We can swap bank details offline.

I’d be interested to know what’s the least amount of money you would need to fulfill your dreams?

Have a listen to my comedy podcast. Thanks