Prison or Peru?

Benjamin Button

Hola. Hope you are well.

I’ve had another varied week. Today at work, for example, I was mistaken for a pupil on two occasions. A couple of weeks ago a female colleague said I didn’t look older than 24, so maybe I’m getting younger and younger, just call me, ‘Benjamin ‘unknown comedian’ Button.

In the week, ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ flew off to Peru (for work). The night before her excursion I ‘treated’ her to Liverpool Vs Man City in our local pub. Relationship experts at this point would no doubt bang on about compromise, some people would add it shows, ‘HWOPJ’ in a good light but I’d like to say this is an example of me playing the long game. Regular readers to this blog will know that in recent weeks, I’ve sat through an hour of Downton Abbey and walked round a shopping centre for hours all for ‘HWOPJ’s benefit. The one thing it does show, is that I’ve definitely not turned into Milkshake. (see last week’s blog post)

Whilst ‘HWOPJ’ has been in Peru she’s had a birthday, which I think is pretty cool. I’ve never spent my birthday anywhere exotic or mildly interesting. For the last two birthdays I’ve spent a huge chunk of the day in prison (doing writing workshops) and a few years back, on my birthday, I went to Sheffield, with a female poetry collective, Sista Talk, where I did 5mins of my own poetry. Neither prison or Sheffield could be described as being as exotic as Peru. Feel free to let me know of any interesting places you’ve spent your birthday.

Although ‘HWOPJ’s has not long gone, I’ve already received a number of invites from people. On Saturday, my mate invited me to watch his friend’s band, my brother invited me around to his, and another friend invited me for a pub Sunday lunch although this was an invite by default. She sent me a txt that was meant for one of her female friends and when I pointed this out, she said, “I was welcome to come along”. As nice as the offer was, I declined, but I’m starting to think people feel I’m incapable of coping on my own. I imagine this is what happens when a wife leaves her husband and his friends rally around him. If ‘HWOPJ’ was away longer than the 2 weeks she is, I’d expect my friends would start introducing me to their female friends.

And Finally… I went for a jog yesterday and during it, I found an older lady in a pile on the pavement. I say I found her, an Oriental man got there first but I did stop and helped her to her feet and then walked with her towards her house, propping her up as she was still unsteady on her feet. As we got near to her house, she saw a young  man she knew, so we left her in his capable hands. All this did however affect my time. Maybe better luck next time.

Til next time, stay safe!


A bit below the belt

Westfield Stratford

Hola. Hope you are well.

I had a varied week. On Monday I went to an Equality and Diversity seminar run by the football organisation Kick it Out. Surprisingly I didn’t see John Terry or Luis Suarez there.

On Tuesday, I went to an Edinburgh Free Fringe Benefit gig at the cost of £15. It does seem a little odd to pay £15 so comedians can take their show to Edinburgh, where they then don’t charge an entry fee. I’m also more than happy to admit that there are for more rewarding causes to have a benefit night for but I did get to see Rich Hall and Stewart Lee amongst others and the night was put together by the legend that is PBH (Peter Buckley Hill).

Also on the bill was Lucy Porter, who during her set mentioned that she had recently given birth to two children in the same year, is this possible? Even if the first child was born in January and the second in December of the same year it still seems too close together. I’m not a gynaecologist but after a woman’s given birth to a child isn’t she supposed to leave that area fallow for a certain amount of time? Maybe I’m wrong, do you know of siblings born in the same year (not twins of course)?

On Thursday, I sent a letter (ask your parents kids) to a low-budget coach company. due to the fact that back in September, I emailed them to let them know that my coach was 59 mins late leaving, and I got no reply. I’m now hoping the humble letter will prove a more successful way of corresponding. I will keep you informed, I bet you can’t wait.

On Friday, I celebrated ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s’ fake birthday. She’s away on her actual birthday so she brought it forward by a week. It was a fun evening, starting in a cocktail bar, drinking half price Martinis and ending in our local pub listening to a covers band. Feel free to let me know if you’ve had a fake birthday and what were the circumstances?

And Finally… Yesterday (Sunday) I spent a huge chunk of the day at Westfield shopping centre, missing both Man City vs Spurs and Arsenal vs Man Utd. I tweeted this and my friend, who’s a poet and playwright, a man who makes money from words replied, “Don’t let the p*ssy turn you into milkshake” (he didn’t use an asterix). I’m not sure exactly what it means but I don’t think he was complimenting me, having said that I quite like milkshake. I’m now thinking that if I ever do a follow-up to ‘How to Dump your Girlfriend’ that will be the title. At the very least I might try to turn it into a catchphrase.

Til next week, stay safe!

Have you used any of your own bags?

zahid hussein, terry christian and me

Hola. Hope you are well.

Last night I was forced to sit through an hour of Downton Abbey. I’m not sure how it happened. It wasn’t a show I was interested in when it was on TV and ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ didn’t seem that fussed about it, but she got the box set for Christmas. Some people will probably think I’ve gone soft (softer) for watching it, but I’m playing the long game. In any relationship there is give and take and I know that the night before ‘HWOPJ’ goes to Peru for two weeks, (for work) it’s the Carling Cup Semi Final Second Leg, between Liverpool vs Man City which I will want to watch. I just hope that on that evening ‘HWOPJ’ remembers my sacrifice last night.

Talking of Downton, people who watch it talk about whether they’d be upstairs or downstairs in the manor house. In my case I don’t think I’d have been allowed in the house full stop.

On to one of the oddest stories of the week and Antony Worrall Thompson being caught shoplifting cheese and wine from his local Tesco. It does seem a little weird that a man off the TV is forced to shoplift. Even if he is on his uppers and I don’t know if he is but  cheese and wine are hardly essential items. He did his pilfering from the self check out counters, scanning some items and not others. I have to admit I couldn’t do this, I haven’t got the nerve to steal, I’m the kind of person who can’t lie when the scanning machine asks, “Have you used any of your own bags? At least this might go some way to explain Tesco’s record losses.

On Friday, I was watching Coronation St. and got excited, maybe a little too excited as I saw someone I know on it, playing a nurse and she had a speaking part. If this wasn’t enough, I also saw a poet friend of mine on a show on a show called ‘My Daughter the Teenage Nudist’ he wasn’t the female nudist but he was filmed naked, with everything on show. I have admit, he’s braver than me, there’s no way I’m getting ‘little unknown comedian’ out on  national TV (or  regional tv)

On last week’s blog I put up the first ever 3 Prong Attack videos. I didn’t have loads of feedback but one of my colleagues did come in to work and start saying, “Prong 1”, “Prong 2”. I had to do a double take and think how does he know about 3 Prong Attack and then I worked out he must have read my blog. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always grateful when anyone reads my blog but I also like to think the people and work think I’m doing some sophisticated, satirical comedy, not arguing about who’s Prong 1.

One other bit of feedback came from one of my oldest friends (in longevity not age) he said of the first video, ” you owe me 51 seconds.” If you want to view the videos for yourself they are here.     First Video                        Second Video

And Finally... I’ve started following Terry Christian on Twitter, which when I mentioned this to the aforementioned colleague at work he said, “why?” which is probably a valid question. I do however find it a very interesting experience, mainly because of the abuse Terry gets on it. I genuinely didn’t realise people were so angry and abusive. Surely if you don’t like someone, don’t follow them. And what were people doing with all this pent-up aggression before Twitter was around, or is it a case of I will abuse someone because I can. But the oddest thing for me is that grown adults are wound up by Terry Christian. I would have said all this on Twitter but you only get 140 characters, plus I don’t want to receive any abuse.

Til next week, stay safe!

Better late than never

An aubergine

Hola. Hope you are well.

Since last week’s blog post, I’ve been back working in the school I was at before Christmas. After 2 weeks off, for the  festivities, I went back feeling refreshed. After just one day back I was knackered. Luckily I only had to work 3 days last week.

I also received a late Christmas present as one of the pupils I worked with last term gave me a Liverpool FC wallet, which was a nice gesture, especially as he is a Man Utd fan. I’m not however sure if the wallet was official merchandise, as the slogan on it appears to read ‘YOU’LL NEVER WAIK AIONE’. As it so happens I no longer work with the same class that I was with last term, so I had to take the present and run. I do however reckon I’ve become more popular with the pupils of that class, now I’m no longer working with them. Nowadays they smile and say hello to me.

The only other work related news, was that today (9th Jan), I found a Christmas card addressed to me, where I sometimes sit, in our staff room. I can only assume the person left it for me before Christmas and I hadn’t seen it. They must have thought I was really rude as I’d not thanked them for it, until today. However instead of concentrating on a negative, I’m going to extenuate the positive and say I’m the first person in the world to receive  a Christmas card for Christmas 2012.

I’m still on Twitter, @unknowncomic. I’ve now got 16 people following me, including the games people Atari, I’ve got to admit I’m not sure why.

Before signing up to Twitter, I always thought it would be hard to condense my thoughts into just 140 characters. I now however realise my thoughts come in well under 140 characters.

Not only have I joined Twitter, which is a quite a technological achievement for me, it has also required to use my very first TinyUrl. As ‘Her With One Permanent Job’ said it’s a significant moment in a man’s life, his first tiny url.

On to some 3 Prong Attack news (the double act I’m apart of), and as regular readers to this blog may remember before Christmas, Prong 2 and I did a couple of video recordings but had to abandon doing any more as his camera packed in. Well below are the fruits of our labour from that day. They are a bit rough and (un) ready, but in years to come when 3 Prong Attack are the biggest name in comedy you can tell people you viewed their first demos and more important to you they’re  only a min each.                                      

First Video                        Second Video

And Finally… Those of you who read last week’s blog and have come back for more will know that ‘HWOPJ’ and I won £3 on scratch cards. In my head, I’m under the impression that you’ve all been waiting around since last Tues, waiting to see how we spent the money, someone who shall remain nameless said people wouldn’t be that interested. For all those on tenterhooks, on Sat ‘HWOPJ’  and I, went to our local supermarket, cashed the money and then bought items that included Chorizo, Olive oil (extra virgin), an aubergine and a left leaning broadsheet newspaper. In the end we ended up spending £4 of our own money on top of our winnings. Them’s the breaks.

Til next week, stay safe!

The go to gutter man

A scratch card

Hola. Hope you are well and 2012 is treating you well. I wonder if in 8 years time we will all have perfect eyesight (my annual joke, apologies)

I’ve had a good Christmas period, I didn’t do loads but that’s no bad thing. In fact I did a couple of manual things, at our flat I cleaned our window sills inside and out and then at my mum’s I cleaned out the growth that was causing a blockage in her gutter. This process involved me leaning out of my old bedroom window and with my marigold wearing hand scooping the weeds and soil out. My reputation as the ‘go to gutter man’ must have spread because a few days later I was repeating the process at ‘Her With One Permanent Job’s mum’s house. It’s always good to keep on the right side of your partner’s family, especially as I think some sections think I’m a bit of an idiot (I wonder where they get that impression from)?

Also whilst I was at my mum’s I watched EastEnders for the first time since my self-imposed ban due to the baby snatching storyline. In the episode I watched there was a fire, a lot of crying,and even more screaming and a death, it’s nice to see some things don’t change. Other things I did at my mum’s, that I wouldn’t normally do included, watching Holby City and listening to more Adele than any man should. I listened to both her albums, 19 and 21, quite a few times. I wonder at what age Adele will stop naming her albums after the age she is?

I also took my trainers back to Manchester, with the intention of doing some exercise. Have a guess how many times I did exercise whilst I was back? Answers on a postcard to Julian scoffed his face during Christmas but did NO exercise competition.

And Finally… My new year has started well, as on our return to London we were greeted to a plant from our neighbour and some scratch cards from ‘HWOPJ’s friends, two of which were winning tickets. We had a brief chat as to what we are going to do with the money but it’s not easy knowing how to spend £3.

Til next week (Mon), stay safe!